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January 25, 2012

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Last year was a banner year for Los Angeles divorce attorneys. The most high-profile splits include: Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (turns out she suffers from “exhaustion,” i.e., “is a junkie” and is off to rehab), Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Russell Brand and Katy Perry.

And those are only the most famous. Christina Aguilera (famous, but not as much as five years ago) left Jordan Bratman (never famous), Debra Messing (half-famous) and Daniel Zelman (seven-eighths not famous) went their separate ways, old Tony Danza (whose wife is so utterly not-famous, we won’t even mention her name) decided to throw in the towel after 24 years of marriage, and Mel Gibson (infamous) had to part with his wife (don’t know her) and $425 million.

One can’t help but feel a tinge of schadenfreude, what with all the grand declarations of love and the extravagant ceremonies in exotic locations—all for naught! In fact, it’s more than a tinge of schadenfreude; it’s a torrent. It’s a raging cyclone of taking delight in the misfortunes of others.

“Last year was a banner year for Los Angeles divorce attorneys.”

Looks like this year is going to be big, too….

Klumsy, Sealed and Delivered
Imagine renewing your marriage vows in the public eye six years in a row, only to announce your separation on the eve of the seventh year. Talk about the seven-year itch! But alas, Hollywood’s king and queen of interracial romance are abdicating the throne. German model/TV personality Heidi Klum and her husband, the musician Seal, issued a joint statement this past weekend declaring their split, despite “the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship” and the fact that they “continue to love each other very much.” Huh? Seal later went on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to promote his new album while still wearing his wedding ring. This gesture was probably for the sake of the four children they have between them. These two deserve what they’re getting if for no other reason than hubris. I wouldn’t put it past them to throw a divorce party every year from now until death do them part.

Johnny Be Gone
Word on the street is that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are only a few miles from Splitsville’s city limits. Hollywood rumors are percolating about Depp having an affair with his pneumatic costar, Eva Green. At least now female Depp fans know he likes European girls—especially French ones—and that they might have a chance with the sexy star. Paradis appeared solo at the premiere of her new film Café de Flore, and Depp was also dateless at the Golden Globe Awards in Los Angeles last week.

Luck of the DrewDrew Barrymore and Will Kopelman
Drew Barrymore got engaged over the holidays to Will Kopelman, the son of former Chanel honcho Arie Kopelman. This will be her third marriage. Haven’t you learned anything, Drew? Shame, Drew, shame! We expected more from a New Yorker such as Will, but ten years in Hollywood will fry anyone’s brain. Run, Will, run!

Soul Sista Still Single
Wiser souls have prevailed in Hollywood however, and Aretha Franklin recently called off her engagement to the wild, wacky, wonderful, and wistfully willful Willie Wilkerson. The official statement says, “Will and I have decided we were moving a little too fast, and there were a number of things that had not been thought through thoroughly. There will be no wedding at this time,” Aretha said. “We will not comment on it any further because of the very personal and sensitive nature of it. We appreciate all of the many well wishes from friends.” She ain’t the queen of soul for nothin’!

Boulevard of Broke Crackheads
Sources say Franklin’s successor of sorts, Whitney Houston, is ruined. The former crackhead has blown more than just a few lines and is now being bankrolled by her label Arista Records against future sales of her forthcoming-but-as-yet-unrecorded album. Her people deny those allegations and say she just starred in a new movie called Sparkle. If the rumors are true, it’s no surprise a former drug-using pop star who was married to Bobby “Tenderoni” Brown, himself a former Olympic-quality crackhead and current full-time has-been, are cash-strapped. These two were the R&B version of Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen before they split back in 2007. That seems bad enough—until you realize it was a notch higher than where they are now.

Aubry Still Tawdry
Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry will be back in court again this week. This time he is being accused of physically pushing his daughter’s nanny while the nanny held three-year-old Nahla. Halle has a slammin’ body but keeps getting slammed by her boys. She almost committed suicide when she divorced her first husband David Justice. Then she married and split from second husband Eric Benet amid rumors he cheated and was a sex addict. She is currently with Kylie Minogue’s ex, French actor Olivier Martinez. But still she suffers the slings and arrows of her baby’s daddy, Aubry, who has allegedly been gripped by anger issues in the past. God bless them all. What they lack in brains they make up for with good looks. If they start losing their looks, well, Game Over.

Federline Freaks and Britney Peaks
Good things do happen in Hollywood, or so it seems. Page Six announced yesterday that Britney Spears may be regaining control of her finances from her father’s conservatorship in time for her forthcoming wedding to Jason Trawick. Only yesterday, Britney’s ex-soulmate Kevin Federline suffered a minor cardiac arrest while filming his weight-loss show Excess Baggage. This is his third recent hospitalization. Perhaps he’s in a panic now that Britney is moving on with her life…oh, yeah, and her cash.

Jay-Z Gets a “C”
Rapper Jay-Z, AKA Mr. Beyoncé, has had his 40/40 Club in New York shut down for what The New York Post reported to be a “slew” of health-code violations. Who knew he even had a club? According to the Post, “A worker was also seen mixing salsa with his bare hands.” Remind us never to eat salsa again.

 

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