Taki's Mag

Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian

Who’s easier to mock—athletes or celebrities? It’s a neck-and-neck race, each one stretching to be more idiotic than the other. When celebrities and athletes come together, they multiply one another’s idiocy.

Consider Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, also known as KK&K. We will assume she is a celebrity, though she might be more accurately classified as a celebutard. He is an NBA player who is roughly ten feet taller than her and is now demanding money from a joint account they shared prior to the end of their 72-day marriage. He signed an ironclad pre-nup whereby he would not be entitled to one cent of her earnings. But now he is asking for an annulment and $7 million. Oy vey!

If not Kim K. & Kris, who gets this week’s Gold Medal for folly? Here are our candidates from the past week’s tabloid headlines….

HOLLYWOOD HALFWITS

Kill Bill actor Michael Madsen was arrested in Malibu over the weekend and held on $100,000 bail because of a domestic dispute with his son. The actor looked a bit too blond and worse for wear, which is surely a great disappointment to his Thelma & Louise fans. What is it with these Malibu dads? Gibson, Nolte, Downey, and Sheen come to mind.

The third time is not always charming. Dennis Quaid’s wife Kimberly has recently filed for divorce. This will be the third split for Quaid, who was previously married to Meg Ryan. Is Quaid back on the sauce or just an insane actor? Probably both. How long before he’s engaged again? I give it five minutes. Ten, tops.

They never learn. Halle Berry and French actor Olivier Martinez have confirmed their engagement. This will be the third marriage for Berry, who has a long list of failed relationships behind her, including her most recent with her baby daddy Gabriel Aubry, a Canadian male model with anger-management issues.

Surely another baby is on the way for father of six Jude Law and his new girlfriend, seen taking a walk in Venice Beach recently. Jude, please get a stylist and a vasectomy. You look like a circus performer. Why do women still have sex with this clown? Who said women are smarter than men?

CRETINOUS JOCKS

Former Mets outfielder Lenny Dykstra was convicted of felony grand theft auto and sentenced to three years in prison. He also owes the IRS nearly $30K. He has filed for bankruptcy, spent time in a sober living facility, and was accused of indecent exposure. Talk about batting a thousand. Maybe Dykstra’s dyslexic. Or may he’s a little like Lennie from Of Mice and Men.

Former basketball player Charlie Bell is divorcing his wife Kenya, who attacked him with a box cutter in front of their two children. Kenya, a former Miss Michigan, is currently appearing on the reality show Basketball Wives. Apparently she is the butt of jokes among the other wives and has “bad moves and a bad weave.” Add bad judgment to the list. Girlfriend, get a grip before you end up back in the ghet-toe where you belong.

Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife Linda is dying to get her hands on an alleged sex tape that has recently come out starring her hulking ex. Even thought the Hulk has remarried, Linda is hoping to prove he cheated on her. She already bagged 70% of their assets in the divorce and wrote a book claiming Hogan had a violent temper as well as a gay affair with wrestler Brutus Beefcake during their marriage. The Hulkster denies both claims and is suing her for defamation. Apparently she thinks the sex tape will help her in the lawsuit the Hulk has against her now. Once a grappler, always a grappler. But really, we’ve heard more than enough from these two.

New York Jet Santonio Holmes is being hit up by Nicole King, with whom he fathered a child in 2002. Now that he scored a contract to the tune of $50 million, she wants a raise in child support. No doubt she’ll save every penny for the kid’s education.

OTHER CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS

Angelina Jolie is in hot water over her promotion of “humanitarian” intervention in Africa. Infowars’ Alex Jones may have a point about her liberal agenda, but he seems just as kooky as Jolie does with that endless rant and his call to have her arrested. A little two much passion on both ends there, guys. Chillax, will ya? Or at least get a hotel room? Nobody needs to hear that much from either of you wingnuts.

Apparently Bobbi Kristina Brown wants to change her name to Kristina Houston because she doesn’t want anything to do with her ex-crackhead father Bobby Brown now that her mother has ascended to that great concert hall in the sky. While we are loath to forgive children who take their mother’s name when it is better known than the father’s, this is the sanest thing we’ve heard all week. Now if little Kristina can squelch all those rumors that she’s a cocaine addict who was spotted getting high in a hotel room directly after her mother’s funeral, her future looks bright indeed.

Sadly, in the company’s endless pursuit of higher ratings, NBC is axing local Manhattan news anchor Sue Simmons after more than 30 years on the air alongside Chuck Scarborough. Her replacement is rumored to be 36-year-old Shiba Russell. Um, we will miss you Sue, but Shiba’s a fox.