Kids Today

Six Stupid Things Adults Believe About Spring Break

April 11, 2014

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Six Stupid Things Adults Believe About Spring Break

I got in a “teensy” bit of trouble last week for saying you should be more worried about your daughters attending Spring Break than your sons. The quotes that got yanked into the blogosphere ranged from the relatively tame “It’s called different genitalia!” to the incendiary “these women are human garbage whose parents don’t love them.” Jon Stewart called my feelings “sexist.” Unfortunately, TV news is a medium where you only get a few seconds to yell out your point, and very few people got my message right. Nobody’s saying Spring Break should be banned or even that it can be stopped. We’re saying today’s Spring Break is worlds away from what you experienced. Here are half a dozen misconceptions about the holiday.


1. SPRING BREAK HASN’T CHANGED

Back when I was trying to get laid, it could take an entire night of courting to get to touch the edge of one tit. Today’s kids grew up with unlimited adult porn, and any 15-year-old who isn’t willing to do anal on the first date is considered a prude. I spoke to some of the film crew who went down to film the proceedings for Fox (something the smug pundits at The Daily Show couldn’t be bothered to do). They told me about episodes of decadence they couldn’t show or even describe on air—the most disturbing of which was when a heavy-set girl stood on a box with her hands on her knees as passers-by randomly fingered her vagina and anus. This reminds me of what happened to Lara Logan in Egypt, but with full consent. Do you remember this happening at your Spring Break?

“There is free pussy being handed out by blind drunk women. As a father, I find this very unromantic when it comes to young boys, and virtually unthinkable when it comes to young girls. How is that controversial?”


2. RAPE IS RAPE

Everyone knows rape is bad, but when thousands of people gather to get blackout drunk, permission becomes a gray area. I have no problem with threesomes and orgies and liquor. There’s nothing wrong with nudity. Take your tops off, ladies. There’s nothing wrong with being adored by groups of young suitors. This isn’t that. This is a polluted bachelor party dipped in Rohypnol. I’ve been to plenty of decadent parties where sex and drugs were everywhere but all intercourse was completely devoid of legal ambiguity. Most courts wouldn’t know who to charge when it comes to modern Spring Break sex. Neither party even remembers it.
So, to talk about good parenting and instilling values is naïve. Think of all the remarkably stupid things you did at 20. Now dip that in prescription drugs like Adderall (legal speed), Oxy (legal heroin), and a world completely devoid of values.


3. YOUR SONS ARE THE ONES DOING THE RAPING

A common reaction I got for saying that I’d rather have my sons there than my daughter was, “Well, it’s your sons doing the raping!” These people were forgetting what law enforcement officials call the “100 milers.” These are rapists and thieves from the surrounding areas who descend on the town to prey on the drunk, rich, and weak. I spoke to one brainwashed liberal who told me “100 milers” was code for “black.” So? There are also the 40-somethings who come from New York and wait until teenage girls get too drunk to notice they’re with someone who looks like their dad’s friend. Before getting into some Ivory Tower conversation about how we’re all responsible and these are the same boys who will marry your daughter one day, try to focus on this new demographic of parasites who have poisoned the party well.


4. BOYS AND GIRLS ARE EQUALLY AT RISK

There is free pussy being handed out by blind drunk women. As a father, I find this very unromantic when it comes to young boys, and virtually unthinkable when it comes to young girls. How is that controversial? I think Spring Break is gross, but if sex is being handed out for free by dumb sluts, I can’t really blame adolescent boys for wanting to cash in. It’s not hypocritical to disapprove of something but also want your sons to get it. I don’t think the government should leave hundred dollar bills lying on the road, but if they are, I want my kids to have it. The pensions cops get paid are ridiculous, and being able to retire at 40 hasn’t made sense for about 100 years, but I’d love my boy to be a cop in New York. If those kinds of luxuries are being handed out, why can’t he have some?

A woman’s chastity has value. A man’s doesn’t. This is evident in a court of law. Call a girl a slut and her dad will sue your pants off. Try bringing someone into court for calling a man promiscuous. It’s incredibly negligent for a young girl to go out and get blind drunk alone. It’s only a bit negligent for a man to do the same. How is this news? Why am I the first person to notice that women are more vulnerable than men? When I bring this up with liberals they insist we “change the conversation” and work to build a world where this is not the case. Okay, you guys get to work on that. In the meantime, I’ll be here in the real world protecting my family.

Some panelists told me boys are more at risk. This is something that feels good to say but couldn’t be less true. I was told by one father that he’s usually more worried about the boys who date his daughters than his daughters, because his girls are just so empowered. What a crock of shit. Boys can have a depressing and pathetic sexual experience. Girls can get pregnant. Both can get STDs but they’re not as much of a big deal for boys. AIDS is still about as probable as a piano falling on their heads, so the statistical probabilities leave us with chlamydia, gonorrhea, crabs, venereal warts, and maybe herpes. The only one that can’t be cured in a week or two is the latter, and even that can be reined in with meds. With boys, as the saying goes, “Nothing can get picked up that can’t be put down.” When girls get STDs, however, they’re risking ovarian cancer further down the line. Biology keeps hammering us with example after example that says men and women are not the same, but the academics keep dragging us back to hypotheticals.

Sure, getting mugged is not uncommon, and at least one kid a season dies of alcohol poisoning. But getting mugged ain’t no getting raped, and the kid who dies of alcohol poisoning is so statistically improbable, it’s not worth worrying about. Your kids are more likely to die in a car accident on the way down.