Satan, Thy Name is Paul Ryan

August 18, 2012

Multiple Pages
Satan, Thy Name is Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan wants to hurt you.

Oh, sure, he may seem nice, but that’s only a mask.

In reality, this wonky honky is “a soulless predator” who is either “a pathological liar or mentally ill.” He is also a “sociopath” who “evinces a total unconcern with the pain, poverty and illness of millions of people.” His demon heart harbors “A rage against women, a rage against immigrants, a rage against workers, a rage against gays, a rage against the poor, a rage against the environment,” and he aligns himself with fanatical pigs who “seek to march civil rights back to the Dark Ages.”

His sad, puppy-dog eyes mask the soul of a moral degenerate who gets a sick thrill out of “beating up on the poor.” Beneath the veneer of sensible frugality beats the heart of a murderous sadist “trying his damnedest to injure” lesser beings and “rain misery upon the heads of millions of Americans.”

“Paul Ryan is obviously smarter than Sarah Palin, so they can’t attack him for being a Mongolian idiot.”

Paul Ryan is a pickpocket, an extremist, and a selfish, selfish man. He “enjoys punching animals for the sake of punching animals” and will potentially kill one of the remaining Beatles.

Because he’s a sick person, he seeks to slash, rip, cut, gore, impale, and eviscerate the social safety net. In keeping with his twisted torture fantasies, this fanatical extremist wants to personally harm the elderly. This “zombie-eyed granny-starver” would like nothing better than to push your grandmother off a cliff and lock senior citizens inside a Denny’s and set it ablaze.

Paul Ryan fears homosexuals and “DEFENDS HATE.”  Rumor has it that he wants all gay people to eat AIDS sandwiches and donate their T cells to their local Christian charity.

When it comes to gender politics, he prefers to “Let Women Die.” He is fundamentally “anti-women.” He hates women so much he scares them to death. He is pro-rape and is only against abortion because he prefers the taste of newborn babies to that of fetuses.

Paul Ryan is on record as a shameless acolyte of the unconscionably sociopathic Ayn Rand, although he is “little more than Ayn Rand in Christian drag” and shows a frat boy’s “arrested-development reaction to reading Ayn Rand.” As every politically mature and socially aware adult knows, “rugged individualism” rather than “abject whining dependency” is the hallmark of an adolescent mind. Self-interest is bad, and it’s not as if welfare parasites are acting in their own interest. After all, it takes a village to keep everyone on antidepressants, and it’s not as if Karl Marx’s philosophical musings led to far more dead bodies than Ayn Rand’s…right?

FACT: Paul Ryan is rich and white. The worst thing in the world is to be rich and white, which is why most of the world’s immigrants flock to poor black countries.

FACT: Paul Ryan proposed legislation requiring every American woman to carry a copy of Atlas Shrugged inside her vagina.

FACT: Paul Ryan voted against the DREAM Act because he hates Mexicans as well as Mexican cuisine, although it’s true he once wore an ironic sombrero at a frat party. Under Ryan’s so-called “budget plan,” every Mexican family would be allotted only one bean to share among themselves daily, although for Christmas they’d receive a slightly stale corn tortilla courtesy of the state.

FACT: Paul Ryan would take great personal pleasure in seeing you suffer.

We’re only joshing and being playful scamps, of course. We’re merely making sport of the hyperbolic progressive backlash against Mitt Romney’s newly whelped running mate. Paul Ryan is obviously smarter than Sarah Palin, so they can’t attack him for being a Mongolian idiot. So the tack they’ve taken is that he may not be dumb, but he is EVIL—so evil that you have to draw out those syllables—he is EEEEE-VILLLLL!

Despite their pretense of intellectual superiority, many progs seem incapable of understanding that ad-hominem attacks are among the most basic and pervasive of logical fallacies. They seem blind to the possibility that many people may simply disagree with them, and thus they recast simple ideological disagreements as fundamental character flaws, as shit stains on the soul’s underwear.

Therefore, Paul Ryan can’t possibly hold certain beliefs because he thinks they’re right; it’s because he’s a bad, bad, bad, evil, evil, evil, EVIL man. Using their Magical Progressive Crystal Ball, they are able to peer inside the wretched, rotting souls of those who may simply see things differently. They are soothsaying truth-seekers, or at least truth-saying soothseekers.

They can’t swallow life as it is, so they focus on what ought to be. There is no “debt bomb,” and even if there was, we have experts who can simply write it off.

In reality, Paul Ryan is not as “extreme” as many leftists fear or many rightists may wish. He’s not against government spending when it comes to fighting useless imperialistic wars, bailing out banks, or jailing recreational drug users. He is—surprise, surprise—more a politician than an ideologue. Despite how he’s being painted, even the Randians and the Birchers disown him.

The main problem with politics is that it’s typically framed as a tacky and half-assed moral struggle rather than a logical debate on what works and what doesn’t. And until we learn to focus on “true and false” rather than “right and wrong,” our two major parties offer nothing more than a choice of whether you wanna wear a blue or red jumpsuit when we all fall off a cliff.

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