Woody Allen

Raping a child can land you in prison for life”€”unless you”€™ve made some cool movies, in which case the penalty is a lifetime achievement award. In France, where they “Thank Heaven for Little Girls,” molesting a seven-year-old girl will make you a God. We love to mock the English for their love of monarchy, but our love of celebrity goes way beyond love and into blind worship.

On Sunday, Woody Allen was awarded the Golden Globes’ highest honor and within seconds, his estranged “son” Ronan Farrow (look at his face and tell me he’s not Frank Sinatra’s son) Tweeted:

Missed the Woody Allen tribute – did they put the part where a woman publicly confirmed he molested her at age 7 before or after Annie Hall?

Ronan was referring to his adopted sister Dylan, who recently spoke out about the fingering she received from Allen at age 7. However, the judge decided it would be too traumatizing for the child to go over the details, and the case was dropped. Surely it’s not the testimony that traumatizes rape victims so much as the rape itself. To this day, Dylan claims to suffer from panic attacks and nightmares every time Woody Allen’s hideous visage drifts into her consciousness. After the controversy surrounding Mia’s daughter Dylan subsided, he married Mia’s adopted daughter, Soon-Yi. Despite this systematically creepy behavior, the self-deprecating egomaniac has also been granted the Golden Lion lifetime achievement award, the Director’s Guild of America lifetime achievement, and the Palme des Palmes lifetime achievement award. I’m sorry, but if you’ve fucked a child in your lifetime, you’re officially off the achievement list.

Sex offenders in prison will likely be beaten to death if not kept from the other convicts. But being entertained is very important to Americans, so if the child rapist can make us a moving picture or sing a catchy song, he gets a Get Out of Jail Free card. We are living in a culture where convicted murderers have a more unbiased sense of justice than we do.

Another successful filmmaker to essentially get away with child rape is Roman Polanski. In 1977 he violated a 14-year-old girl every which way but loose and skipped town when things got too hot. Polanski continued to make films and was recently on his way to receive a lifetime achievement award in Sweden, but they arrested him in Switzerland for fleeing LA 32 years previously. They let him go and he got his award.

A common question regarding such cases is, “Where were the parents?” Polanski’s victim had already been with him once and the girl’s mother was allegedly aware something was up, but he’s famous, so she swallowed her instincts and brought her daughter back for more.

Michael Jackson was another voracious predator who consistently had children fed to him. Music is just as important to Americans as film, so if the King of Pop wants to grope your son, bow down before him. Jackson spent an estimated $35 million silencing reports of the 17 young boys he reportedly molested. Word got out after the first few, but parents kept coming back because”€”I don’t know, because they’re subhuman pieces of shit? Go try to touch a bear’s cub and see what happens to you. These parents should be classified as insects because their behavior is below that of any other mammal. One detective hired to cover up these scandals described a mother who “knew her son was being molested but turned a blind eye to it” because if “it didn’t bother her son, it didn’t bother her.” If I ever met this woman, I would drown her in my own projectile vomit.

“Yeah, but what about priests?” says the unflappable fan. First of all, priests don’t put out hit movies and sell out concerts after they’re discovered to have abused a child. Priests also don’t molest young girls. They molest young boys. Like Michael Jackson, they are frustrated and immoral gays.