April 27, 2011
I have been married for five years and trying to get pregnant for the past year. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, my husband gets diagnosed with MS about a month ago. I can’t believe my bad luck! I really want to have babies, but now he is “unsure” about what he wants. I guess I still love him but I want to leave; we just don’t want the same things anymore. When do you think I can leave? Is next month too soon? Three months? A week? Have I already stayed too long? What do I say? Do you have any ideas about how to make a graceful exit?
—Bitch? in Berlin
Dear Bitch? in Berlin,
You don’t need the question mark. You’re a bitch. And no, I don’t have any ideas on how to help you find a heart short of running into Dorothy on her way to see The Wizard of Oz. But for now, quit being a bitch and give him a minute to get his bearings. For the love of all that’s holy, this man just found out he has a life-altering, crippling disease; do you think you can delay your baby train for six months or even a year to let him think about what has happened, what it means, and what he wants?
Sure your first impulse is to run from a burning building, but you don’t leave your husband or child to die alone in the fire! Maybe he will decide he wants children, but after your appalling bedside manner he may decide he doesn’t want someone like you for their mother. Stop thinking about yourself for five seconds and start thinking about your husband. Give the poor man a break. “In sickness and in health” is supposed to be taken literally. It is intended to dissuade people from dishonorably running away from the sick and dying…you horrible, selfish bitch.
I really—make that really, really, REALLY—want my 12-year-old daughter to dye her hair blonde. She has awful mouse-brown hair and doesn’t even realize how bad it looks. I think she would look better, have more fun, and be more accepted by society if she were blonde. I always imagined it would be more fun to be blonde. Problem is, she keeps refusing. I keep showing her magazines and telling her that celebrities change their hair color all the time, but she is simply not interested. I’ve even thought about trying to dye her hair while she’s sleeping, but she’d probably wake up. What can I do? They’ve done studies—life is better as a blonde. If she would just try she would see how much better it would be! What’s her problem?
—Defiant Daughter in Mobile
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