Vile Bodies

Rahmbo: Shape Up or Fork Out

September 25, 2011

Nonetheless, good intentions are likely at the core of Rahm’s “Keep Corpulent Chicago City Workers Well” initiative. Chances are that the city’s pirouetting mayor is only trying to help out. Either that or he enjoys presenting city workers an “offer [they definitely] can’t refuse.”

Let’s hope workout gear is provided gratis, because Lou Phillips, business manager of Laborers Union Local 1001, is just itching to get physical. Phillips supports the mayor’s effort and maintains that “There’s no penalty for getting sick. But if you choose not to participate, you’re gonna pay $50 more a month and $50 for your wife.” A diabetic, Phillips promised, “It’ll get us in shape. You’re actually making yourself better. In the end, it’s gonna save millions and millions of dollars. If people are healthy, they won’t be going to doctors to get toes or feet amputated.”

Not to worry, though—accidental amputations, such as losing half a finger in a meat-slicing machine, are definitely covered, as are assault-related injuries such as broken kneecaps and loose teeth.

In the future if Americans should go blind or need treatment for kidney failure, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius and a team of cost-control analysts will step in to decide whether a city worker in Chicago, and ultimately Obamacare recipients nationwide, will receive lifesaving dialysis or short-term, cost-efficient, end-of-life care.

In the runup to Obamacare, what better venue than Chicago to launch another unofficial pilot program? The government will probably be interested to see if improving Chicagoans’ health against their will or collecting penalty fees—also against their will—can “help cut the annual $500 million bill for healthcare for city employees.” If it does, it can then be translated into a nationwide “Ditch the Cookies and the Camels or Suffer the Financial Consequences” effort.

Hizzoner maintains the program is a “necessary step to getting healthcare costs under control.” If you work for the City of Chicago in the CDOT’s alleys division and happen to need an abortion, it’s likely the mayor will enthusiastically agree to foot the bill; but if you’d rather not spend 45 minutes a day on a stair climber, pay up!

Instead of eating deep-dish pizza, Mayor Rahmbo’s Dumpster Task Force and Office of Underground Coordination workers will soon either be shaping up or forking out.

It’s probable that Chicagoans are slowly coming to realize that in Mayor Emanuel’s version of “pro-choice” America, the guy with the foul mouth sporting the occasional leotard gets to do the choosing.

 

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