It’s only been two weeks and the entire world has overdosed on one of the most destructive drugs of all: Charlie Sheen. Among his accomplishments this week: Failing to get any laughs in a painfully scripted “Funny or Die” video, sparking a police raid at his house, pissing off Two and a Half Men costar Jon Cryer—Sheen called Duckie a “turncoat” and “traitor”—and finally, suing Warner Bros for breach of contract over his firing. The studio laughed right back in Sheen’s face, calling the accusations “imaginary” and said Sheen’s looking for a lottery payday.
We already know Lindsay Lohan looks great in orange, so why can’t she just suck it up and head to jail already? Instead she rejected a plea deal this week and her shoplifting case in now moving towards trial. The deal was six months in the lock-up if Lohan admitted she was guilty. If she goes to trial and loses, Lilo could get up to three years. Inmates are already anticipating her arrival by stuffing their jewelry into pillowcases.
Oh, this is rich. The only thing more noticeable than Kim Kardashian’s sizeable derriere is her now super-famous last name, so the reality star’s made it a habit to check into hotels under the name “Princess Jasmine.” “Mr. Donkey Ass” was already taken by Johnny Depp, Britney Spears goes undercover as “Alotta Warmheart,” and Robert Pattinson…well, let’s just say his pseudonym isn’t as chaste as his vampiric alter-ego.
Spider-Man on Broadway is a certifiable hit…sort of. Despite raking in millions every week, the show’s still a disaster and punching bag for critics. Now, another casualty: Director Julie Taymor has been yanked from the musical she’s been working on for years, and the official opening is now set for summer. (Remember, the curtain was supposed to come up in December?)
And finally, good news for people who hate the singing youngsters: Justin Bieber got the scare of his life this week in Liverpool when a mob of girls stormed the hotel he was in (appropriately, the Hard Day’s Night) and prevented him from leaving. Young Bieber then drifted off to sleep smiling with the wails of young girls thrumming through his head, and plotted his eventual seduction of Jessica Biel.
Copyright 2017 TakiMag.com and the author. This copy is for your personal, noncommercial use only. You can order reprints for distribution by contacting us at email@example.com.