Taki's Mag

An elementary-school principal in Somerville, Massachusetts is out to abolish Halloween, among other innocuous celebrations, because it is “insensitive” to witches or something. The school will, however, continue to teach six-year-olds how to put condoms on bananas. Extra credit if you can do it with your mouth.

Somerville is a short drive from Salem. Yes, that Salem, infamous for witch trials whose guiding principle (according to legend) was this: If you drowneth when we tie a rock to thee then you are clean; float and we burneth thee alive as a witch.

The leftist mind is a curious and perverse thing. The same mindset that wants to teach children about fellatio before they can spell it wants that child to still be a tax write-off for his parents at 26.

Is Peter Pan a liberal? The BOY WHO NEVER GREW UP is so in vogue in America right now that anorexic, smelly man-boys are not only getting laid, they’re getting it precisely because of their loser trappings.

One can see how the concept of the harem developed—it was to keep guys like this from procreating. Just make sure that his dumb and desperate repository isn’t your daughter. If so, it’s probably your fault. Quick, somebody get the matches!

Now that the progressive tax structure has pushed both parents into the work force, kids increasingly look outside of their parents for authority figures. Like, for instance, the joyless principal who takes away the one day a year many kids anticipate the most. Word is she’s got a petition floating around about canceling Christmas and has authorized a hit on the Easter Bunny.

This principal didn’t want to stop with Halloween. She would like to see a world where we don’t celebrate Christopher Columbus because, well, some Indians got a little sick when he visited. History’s messy, biatch; that doesn’t mean you can ignore it. But liberals played hooky during history class, which is why so many of them embrace socialism.

This trend of dismissing historical figures because they are not perfect has to stop. By this distorted logic we should ignore the fact that Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence because he liked black women. And Winston Churchill? Suffered from male pattern baldness. Dismissed. But we can still celebrate Hitler—he had good posture and liked vegetables.

And Jesus? You know he wore sandals so his feet could breathe, right? It was the athlete’s foot—little-known fact—and that’s gross, so erase the man from history. We can replace him with Paris Hilton because, well, she colors her hair real nice. And her dog fits in a purse. How cute is that?

It’s not like kids need us to save Halloween for them. When it comes to the bond between a child and his chocolate he will find a way to make it happen. Remember Charlie from the Willy Wonka movie? Not the disgusting Johnny Depp version, but the brilliant Gene Wilder one?

As boys cling to this annual dress-up-for-candy ritual it is good training for the transition later in life into raising money for what is also now Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Out to save the world one breast at a time and all that.

Did anybody ever doubt that the breast would be responsible for curing cancer? Sure, the real hero will be working long hours all goggled up in a lab somewhere, but we know what motivated him.

What about the lightbulb? Take one look at one of those and it’s not hard to imagine what Edison was thinking about. And the Internet? It never would have caught on if breasts hadn’t swooped in and saved the day in the early years. It was all part of Al Gore’s grand design.

Breasts can even define a culture—the French prefer those that fit delicately inside a champagne glass while Americans want a matching pair that can collectively plug a toilet.

The downside of breasts is they can cause car accidents and make men lose their houses. They can be inconvenient for women, causing backaches and poor posture.

And alas, some women will be objectified and not appreciated for everything they have to offer (in addition to their breasts).

But that seems a small price to pay to cure cancer.