More Acting and Less Activism, Please

March 21, 2012

Multiple Pages
More Acting and Less Activism, Please

Don’t you hate it when actors get involved in politics? I do, and not only because I usually disagree with their views. I hate it because it ruins the rich fantasy life that actors enjoy in my mind.

That old maxim about how one should never meet one’s idols is true. All the “cool” actors I’ve met turned out to be a disappointment compared to my sexy daydreams, but some much more than others.

I’ve never met him, but take Sean Penn—please! He was the hottest actor around until he started making friends with that nutbag Cesar Chavez, or whatever his name is down in Venezuela. I’m hoping Chavez’s cancer will help things along so Penn can go back to saving Haitians and paddling his rowboat around New Orleans.

Johnny Depp has spouted off about politics from time to time, but at least he doesn’t rent out his cheekbones for some tiresome political cause. Let us hope that doesn’t change. A lot of people are holding a candle for you, Johnny. Stay gorgeous and stay out of politics.

“We want our actors to help us escape from this world, not to lecture us about what’s wrong with it.”

The last thing we need in the current political climate is another idiot thinking he can make a difference. The only difference that actors can make is making things more idiotic. Don’t they get it? We want less politicking and more heartthrobbing. Things are confusing enough as they are. We don’t need another schmuck with a Jesus complex thinking he has the power of light behind him. We want our actors to help us escape from this world, not to lecture us about what’s wrong with it.

Enter George Clooney. Not surprisingly, he wants another 15 minutes, this time so we can all bask in his humanitarianism. Millions of movie lovers are not enough for his Godzilla-sized ego. No, no. Now he needs love from the highest office in the land. Yup, he met with the prez last week to “shine a light” on problems in Sudan. As if Obamarama didn’t have enough to worry about, now he needs some actor getting up in his ear? When is Clooney going to realize that just because he gets the big bucks and 1000s of chicks dig him, he’s only an actor? George, stay out of politics. Spend more time in a shrink’s office—or maybe even at some AA meetings. Surely the Sudanese and the Chinese can manage without another dumb American trying to tell them how dumb they are.

Speaking to the commander-in-chief wasn’t enough for Clooney, though. Then he gone done got hisself arrested in front of the Sudanese embassy with his 78-year-old dad. I hope Obama doesn’t invade Africa because of these fools. I at least like to pretend that Washington is smarter than Hollywood.

I guess models are people now, too. Elle Macpherson is saying she loves Obama because she’s a socialist. Maybe she considers herself an actress since she appeared in some lame Hugh Grant movie. Perhaps like Clooney, she thinks anyone on Earth would value her thoughts on American politics. On the bright side, at least we know the truth about Obama now.

When actors aren’t being activists, they are usually adopting Africans. We are pleased to announce that Angelina Jolie has not relieved Africa of any more children this week. No, no. The latest star to start collecting unwanted babies is the leggy Charlize Theron. But this time it was a South African adopting an American baby. I guess they’ve learned something from us after all.

God bless Charlize for not producing one of her own and for sharing all that her brilliant career has to offer to a growing child in need of parenting. I guess none of this actor/adoption business seems that bad if you think about it. My only concern is that there might be a wave of bizarre crime in Hollywood in about 15 years when all these adopted kids, some of whom are likely to have psychological problems, come to resent the fact that they have been showered with money and spoiled rotten with Hollywood values. Surely the ever-growing tabloid market will be grateful for the raw material.


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