Taki's Mag

My belly is full of pork and my lungs are swimming in cigarette smoke, but I don’t feel like forking over $60 to enjoy my Chinese girlfriend’s company tonight. Saipan is where all of Asia comes to sin, so I’m sure she’s busy with a more affluent gentleman.

This oft-forgotten American territory, officially known as the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands (of which Saipan is the capital and largest island), has long established its notoriety as a hotspot for international sex tourists, commonly known as “mongerers.” That’s because it is swarming with sweethearts of the me-love-you-long-time variety. The Marianas boast the world’s greatest female-to-male gender disparity, with 74 men for every 100 women.

Laid off in the aftermath of the Jack Abramoff/Tom DeLay garment-industry scandal, these former garment workers chose more lucrative careers as sex workers. White-knight liberals did what any spiteful cock block would do: They ruined everyone else’s fun.

The garment industry created tens of thousands of jobs for residents and foreign workers, but the story goes that corporate executives blatantly exploited the labor force, overworking and underpaying workers in “sweatshop-like conditions.”

The local government collected billions of dollars from taxes and employee “user fees,” while American Frankenpoliticians took the opportunity to stand on their soapboxes pointing indignantly at the “evil corporations exploiting poor workers,” when the real crooks were the CNMI officials whose mouths were gleefully guzzling on this industry’s tiny tit.

The efforts of bleeding-heart liberals and pro-union lobbyists prevailed. The garment industry’s shutdown forced former garment workers into a veritable lose-lose: Start turning tricks, or return to China (where they’ll be employed in another “sweatshop”).

After litigious libtards and Hoffa henchmen forced the garment industry’s closure, Saipan’s economy tanked. Before the factories closed, the CNMI government could get away with rampant corruption. There was such an excess of money that everyone was living large despite government sleaze. Remember the 90s?

As with all neocons, Jack and Tom milked the American people and shared the booty with the ruling elite. At the time, Saipan’s plutocrats included Governor Benigno Fitial and businessman-cum-gangster Willie Tan, who owns much of the island.

Even after Abramoff’s conviction on bribery and graft charges, the islands continue to reap government benefits that would probably make the state of Mississippi green with envy.