Living with Savages

June 29, 2012

Multiple Pages
Living with Savages

When libertarians, paleocons, neocons, and Republicans are confronted with a shrieking liberal they usually shoo it away. That’s easy if you don’t live in New York City, Berkeley, LA, or Madison, but those of us mired here in the jungles of hysteria have to come up with other solutions.

It takes a certain type of masochist to live this Sisyphean lifestyle. We can’t bitch about Obama’s ridiculous spending because Bill Maher told them Obama has spent less than any other president. We can’t rail against Fast and Furious because Chris Hayes told them Obama is pro-gun. Whenever you criticize the president, their trained response is that you can’t handle his blackness—oy vey!

I’ve found the only way to calm this yelping beast is to speak to it in its own language.

Let your liberal antagonist bask in their decision to elect Obama. Tell them Obama is cool and smart and articulate. Agree that it is much less embarrassing to hear Obama speak than it was to hear George Jr.’s malapropisms. Once they feel calm and safe, say something soothing like, “Fascism is bad.” Then say how surprised you were when you looked up the word on Wikipedia and discovered it wasn’t a dictatorship where the state runs the entire economy. In fascist economies, the government chooses CEOs to run various monopolies and then leaves them to their own devices. Wait, that sounds like Obama choosing GE to run the Council of Jobs and Competitiveness and Monsanto’s ex-attorney to run the FDA. The liberal will find this as perplexing as you do. This is where both of you shrug and then make some joke about how inaccurate Wikipedia can be.

“I’ve found the only way to calm this yelping beast is to speak to it in its own language.”

Liberals hate big business and the white men who run it because the whole thing reminds them of their father. Dad was disappointed in them for spending tens of thousands of his dollars at NYU taking Japanese Animation & New Media. Therefore, massage their own daddy complexes by pretending to hate the rich white male father figure as much as they do. As Fran Lebowitz pointed out, “No one earns $100 million. You steal $100 million.” Agree with Fran. Say, “These guys aren’t entrepreneurs. They’re slave drivers.” Then you can add, “That’s the saddest part about illegal immigration. It only benefits rich whites in both countries. Poor Mexicans on both sides of the border are worse off for it, and black workers in California are the first ones to lose jobs to illegal—sorry—undocumented workers.” Don’t say, “Multiculturalism is a weakness,” because the liberal hears, “Having a variety of restaurants scares me because I’m racist.” Instead say, “High schools in California have metal detectors and the tension between blacks and Hispanics is getting so bad, it’s bordering on a race war. Why? So rich whites can ‘steal’ another $100 million.”

Once you get into this Trojan Horse method of placating the left, you get to say whatever you want. “I love gays. They’re wonderful. This is why I find it so hurtful when people keep describing the Catholic Church as a place where boys get raped. They know full well it’s not toddlers getting molested but adolescent boys. It’s very clear the ones doing the touching are frustrated homosexuals at war with their own libidos. Catholic-bashing is tantamount to fag-bashing, and we need to have an open discussion about the inner struggle that gays face.”
“Speaking of rape, the statistics we have are probably a fraction of the actual instances of sexual assault.” Calm the militant feminist by agreeing on the social stigma of being attacked and how shame has prevented probably millions of rape victims from speaking. “And it’s always men, never women,” you quietly add while shaking your head. Hopefully, around this time, she’ll say, “Yeah, it’s not like men get raped.” This part gets tricky because it’s such a jump, the liberal brain can get whiplash. Then mumble to yourself, “What about jail?” Look it up on your phone and let your phone take the blame for saying that when you include prison, men get raped far more often than women do.

It’s challenging to talk to the animals because you have to act like Dr. Doolittle with almost every topic. If you want to discuss the female/male wage gap don’t say something brash like, “Women earn more because they choose to.” Start slow and say how perplexed you are by women who abandon successful careers to stay at home with the children. “It must be frustrating for the feminists who helped pave the way,” you say despondently. “However, a woman’s choice is a woman’s choice, so if she wants to stay at home that’s her prerogative, no matter what it does to the wage-gap statistics.”

“Speaking of choice, isn’t it awful what’s been going on with people aborting babies because they’re female? No, not just in China—in Austin and all over the country. I bet this silent ‘War on Women’ isn’t getting reported because of sexism. Yeah, apparently Planned Parenthood doesn’t hesitate to help people abort babies based on gender and as we’ve seen in China, this process tends to favor the male. These disgusting white men want to further their despicable lineage and keep all their stolen money in the family, so they’ve created a patriarchy where abortions become female genocide.” (See what I did there? I almost got a liberal to admit abortion is sexist AND murderous.)

The secret to living among the savages is to understand how their brains work. To them, the ends justify the means, so when Holder and Obama wanted people to hate guns, they worked backward from there. Guns weren’t doing a good enough job smearing themselves, so the White House gave assault rifles to Mexican criminals and said, “Shoot.”

To get a liberal to think logically, you have to do the same thing. Never say, “Drill, baby, drill.” It sounds like you’re saying, “I don’t care what happens to the environment. I want money.” You have to start at the end with “War is bad.” Then you talk about all the young men giving their lives for some stupid oil war. “It’s unconscionable. You don’t see the politicians or rich white CEOs sending their kids to Afghanistan. It’s always the blue-collar family in rural America having to go because there are no other jobs. In upstate NY and Pennsylvania there could be hundreds of jobs drilling for natural gas, but the bureaucrats (don’t say “eco-environmentalists”) have crippled the whole industry there.” The liberal might come back with, “But isn’t that kind of drilling dangerous? Doesn’t it pollute the water supply?” As gently as you can, respond with, “My understanding is we get about 90% of our natural gas the same way, and isn’t sending kids off to war far more dangerous?” Act as though you’re working through this together and even though the person you’re talking to has a degree in bullshit and lets the TV do all their research, you need to pretend you know as little as they do.

Treading softly through the jungle gets tiresome and occasionally you run into a Dr. Livingstone who has actually done his research. Dealing with so many morons is what makes talking to the sane so cathartic. Finally, you can pull up a stool, grab a beer, and speak freely about freedom. “Can you believe this ideologue of a president?” you blurt out recklessly. “Why didn’t he do what Pinochet did and just dump the bodies in the ocean? I guess Holder needed the photos. They pretend they’re out to help the little guy, but it’s really a giant war on the poor. Cheap labor from Mexico, denying drilling jobs so the blue-collar kids have to fight their wars—what a bunch of elitist assholes. They’re right about one thing. There is a war on women. Its weapons are feminism and abortion. Feminism insists women generate tax revenue while raising children, and abortion kills female children in the womb. It’s all part of the same big mess. Instead of giving people the freedom to pursue happiness on their own, the liberals decide what’s best for everyone and force us to acquiesce.”

There’s something very satisfying about speaking truth to liberals, especially when they’re in power.

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