Smears

Invasion of the Kochtopussies

March 01, 2011


Ever since last August’s game-changing New Yorker article about the intergalactically wealthy Koch brothers and their unholy, unfeeling, and ecologically unsanitary war to harass and undermine Our First Black President, American leftist tribespeople have finally been able to put a face on their Own Personal Satan. Technically, it’s two faces“€”one which looks like a weatherbeaten dildo and the other which (quite curiously, I might suggest) looks like Stephen Colbert’s secret evil libertarian father.

As if they”€™d received a gift-wrapped voodoo doll, all of Team Blue’s gentle and enlightened souls eagerly began ramming footlong knitting needles into the Kochs, desperate to make up for lost time and catch up to all those crazy tinfoil-hat-wearing, UFO-spotting, Bigfoot-sodomizing dumbass retarded inbred hope-you-all-die-soon rural crackers who watch Glenn Beck and had been sticking pins in their own personal George Soros voodoo dolls for a year or two already.

Because, don”€™t you just know it, when anyone on Team Red suggests that politics might not always be what they appear to be and that all those mountains of power and cash may lead self-interested oligarchs to pull strings and influence events in ways that might suit them, well, those toothless hillbilly conspiracy-freak living abortions are out of their goddamned meth-soaked coconuts.

Because, don”€™t you just feel it, there is only ever one kind of conspiracy”€”the kind that they”€™re planning against “€œus.”€

As I go about my ablutions and various shaving procedures every morning, I make it a general rule never to trust even one-half of a word that any politician says, whether it’s left, right, up, down, North, South, and even some parts of Philly. I”€™ve never been good at team sports, and when forced to choose between Democrats and Republicans, it’s like having to pick whether it”€™ll be my parents or the nuns at school who slap me in the face. Not for a nanosecond, even when I was really bored, have I ever considered myself “€œright-wing”€ or “€œconservative”€ or “€œlibertarian,”€ and I took the Last Train out of Leftville about 20 years ago, long after they”€™d lost their sense of humor and had become so insufferable, you didn”€™t know whether to fart in their face or stab them in the neck.

It’s hard if not impossible to ever find me saying anything in favor of the “€œright,”€ but I”€™ll talk your ears deaf about how much leftists suck. The reason”€”let’s come clean, everybody”€”is because people who identify with the “€œleft”€ have been The Biggest Assholes in the Universe for quite some time now.

I”€™m not Don Rickles, but I”€™m at least a Brown Belt when it comes to the ability to insult, denigrate, and even make people cry. I can launch the kind of ad-hominem attack that will make Mr. Hominem and all his children wish they”€™d never been born.

But whether it’s caused by head trauma or not, I”€™m also an obsessive thinker, always weighing facts against one another, considering contrary evidence, finding inconsistencies, wondering what parts they”€™re deliberately leaving out”€”and this is all while I”€™m still shaving my taint in the morning.

“€œCut the Adderalls in half next time. That way, the Kochs will only look half as evil.”€

And that’s why I love to argue. I approach it like a bloodsport. But increasingly, I”€™ve noticed leftists shying away from any project that might require logic, evidence, or anything really beyond wishful thinking and cheap character attacks against anyone who doesn”€™t think as wishfully as they do.

Oh, they”€™ll call you a retarded, sickening, loathsome, repellent, malignant, subhuman, slithering, imbecilic, anencephalic shitstain on a piece of shit that was wrapped in shit and baked in a shit casserole at 400 shitty degrees for 60 shitty minutes”€”but that’s only because you were engaging in hate speech and deserve to die a slow, painful death for it.

But just you try getting into an earnest discussion with them about trivialities such as, I don”€™t know, the facts and whether anyone in the room is making any sense. It can”€™t be done. It’s been a long, long, lonely time not only since I”€™ve seen a leftist who is able to argue, it’s probably been before Chelsea Clinton sprouted pubic hair that I”€™ve encountered one who is so much as willing to argue. They figure if they call you right-wing, conservative, or”€”kill yourself immediately if they even suggest it”€”a “€œracist,”€ that’s an effective magical substitute for a legitimate argument.

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