Semantics

In Defense of Neanderthals

September 16, 2013

Multiple Pages
In Defense of Neanderthals

The most stubbornly hypocritical glitch in the egalitarian mindset is that eugenics is roundly and vigorously dismissed as a dangerous and discredited pseudoscience…unless it can be wielded to portray ideological enemies as genetically inferior throwbacks.

Thus, the same sheltered, daydreaming buttercups that strain to deny even basic visual differences between ethnic groups are the first to blame rural white poverty on things such as inbreeding and overall crappy genes. In such cases, eugenics are not only suddenly real, they are highly pertinent—decisive, even.

The same double standard permits politicians—who’d never dare publicly suggest that sub-Saharan Africa is not exactly the Hope Diamond of intellectual achievement—to smear large swaths of people who don’t kowtow to their dim notions of “progress” as “Neanderthals.”

Vice President Joseph Biden, that asshole, recently referred to Republicans as “Neanderthals.” A couple of years ago, current Secretary of State John Kerry, who resembles an archeological dig even while alive, dismissed global-warming critics as “Neanderthals.” In 2003, now-dead Senator Ted Kennedy said he would resist the appointment of any “Neanderthal” that George W. Bush might nominate as a judge. The Daily Kos, that festering armpit of self-congratulatory leftist delusion, recently suggested that NRA members possessed the “Neanderthal gene.”

The pejorative “Neanderthal,” despite being anthropologically hurtful and unabashedly homo sapiens-supremacist, is thrown around with gleeful impunity by the selfsame egalitards who insist that everyone is created equal…except, of course, for the knuckle-dragging prehistoric losers who don’t think like they do.

“No more anti-Neanderthal slurs and no more anti-Neanderthal job discrimination.”

If I know one thing about people, it’s that they need to feel superior to other people, and since it’s no longer culturally permissible to suggest that sub-Saharan Africa may be a teeny bit backward, one is free to indulge their innate craving to feel superior at the expense of the stocky, hairy, big-browed, club-wielding descendants of homo neanderthalensis whose genetic vestiges now listen to heavy metal, attend NASCAR races, own hunting rifles, pray to Jesus, handle serpents, and vote Republican.

Hell, it’s possible that the word “Neanderthal”—or at least a grunted prehistoric synonym for it—was the original racial slur.

In its pejorative usage amid the modern Anglosphere, “Neanderthal” is exclusively used to demean whites. In fairness, pale skin, blue eyes, and red hair were all Neanderthal traits. But although being Neanderthal is a white thing, it is not exclusively so. A landmark 2010 study suggested that not only did ancient Neanderthals breed with modern humans, all modern groups except for sub-Saharan Africans possess a small percentage of Neanderthal DNA.

So genetically, humans can somewhat tidily be divided into two groups: those who have Neanderthal DNA…and black people. If a black person’s DNA test reveals any Neanderthal ancestry, you can assume they have some cream in their coffee.

But Ted Kennedy? John Kerry? Joe Biden, that asshole? Neanderthals, every last one of them. And self-hating Neanderthals at that. The worst kind.

The percentage of Neanderthal DNA among the world’s six billion or so nonblacks usually ranges from 1-4%; a recent DNA test suggested that my own quotient is 3%, meaning I’m slightly more Neanderthal than the average European and WAAYYYYYY more Neanderthal than Mike Tyson, MC Hammer, and Kim Fields, that nice black girl who played Tootie on The Facts of Life.

When the 2010 DNA study was published, white-hating hominids gleefully announced that only “African peoples are 100 percent human,” that Europeans’ lingering Neanderthal DNA formed “the prehistoric sources of the white race’s aggression, racism and sexism,” that “white people are descended from unwashed hairy beasts not our African brethren,” and that “Africans are true homo sapiens, while the rest are watered down Neanderthal inbreds.”

That’s all very cute, except for the fact that the places where people are “100 percent human” tend to fall far behind the cavemen’s ancestral homelands when it comes to trifles such as longevity, technology, written languages, and living standards.

It’s touchy and toxic to ponder how those dumbass troglodytes were able to build civilizations that remain advanced far beyond those of the pure humans. Though we’ve all been trained to equate “Neanderthal” with “stupid,” it’s generally accepted that Neanderthal brains were at least as large as those of homo sapiens, but people will start calling you bad names if you dare raise the topic of differences in brain size among human groups. Therefore, the more plausible explanation for why primitive subhumans consistently outperform fully evolved humans is because they use the subtly persuasive methods of tricknology.

Neanderthals weren’t quite as dimwitted as, say, Barney Rubble or the giant dumb caveman in Eegah. They were a humble and hardworking folk who built homes and fashioned tools. They buried their dead, sometimes with flowers. They had a “sense of compassion” that led them to care for disabled children and the elderly. According to one website, they “lived in family groups, had names, hunted game, usually at night in groups, baked acorn meal bread, and had language, religion, cuisine, medicine, trade, tools, crafts and art, including music, dance and body paint.”

I can get behind all of that except for the body painting.

Most endearingly of all, they hated Brussels sprouts. So that’s where I get that from.

One could view the first dusky, lanky homo sapiens who ventured north from southern Africa’s steamy jungles and into the Middle East, Europe, and Asia as immigrants. Or one could view them as colonists. One could even view them as biological predators who almost completely eliminated the indigenous population. This is a case where the historical record is by necessity prehistoric, so it remains unclear why the appearance of interlopers out of Africa coincided somewhat with the gradual extinction of a Neanderthal population that had resided in Europe for nearly half a million years. Maybe it was all a wacky coincidence. Or maybe it was the first large-scale genocide in human history.

Still, those kooky kavemen are largely gone, and I’d like to place at least some of the blame on Africans because, well, that’s what I do. But they are not entirely gone. Strains of their ancient blood course through my veins, causing that sudden involuntary Berserker thrill whenever I accidentally hear a Led Zeppelin song.

But dead or alive, I believe it’s time Neanderthals received their due respect, or, as the so-called “pure humans” like to say, their “props.” So to all you pure, fully evolved humans out there who flit breezily through this world unencumbered with even a wisp of Neanderthal DNA: I want you to know that although we may not look and act like it, we are human, too, and we demand that you respect that part, goddamnit! We are your sons, your daughters, your brothers, and your sisters. When you cut a Neanderthal, does he not bleed? Huh? Does he not? Even if he’s a “she”? Of course she does! So before we all start stabbing one another, we should agree that we all bleed.

To all my fellow cavemen, cavewomen, and cavechildren: How much longer will we endure their insults? How much longer must we suffer the slings and arrows of their arrogant evolutionary disdain? “No longer,” I say. Those “Geico Caveman” commercials were a good start, but we need more positive depictions of Neanderthals throughout popular culture. No more anti-Neanderthal slurs and no more anti-Neanderthal job discrimination. Working together we were able to kick a woolly mammoth’s ass, so these modern humans don’t stand a chance against us. Do not give up hope. Burn bright, little Neanderthal flame. There’s a light at the end of the cave.

 

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