Joe Bob's America

How to Think Trump

December 28, 2016

Associate Justice of the Supreme Court: In an effort to bring more diversity to the court, Trump’s appointment will be Pam Grier—black, female, and keenly aware of injustice ever since she was unfairly defeated by Roberta Collins in the mud-wrestling scene of The Big Doll House. Pam is a big supporter of oral arguments and thinks she can bring brevity and clarity to deliberations with lines like “Death is too easy for you, bitch!” and “You just handle the justice, I’ll handle the revenge myself.”

Director of the Office of Management and Budget: Oliver Winstead, former treasurer for the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, who holds the record for number of times subpoenaed (174) and hours of depositions given (12,905) while extracting four bankrupt casinos from the court system without ever losing a night’s sleep.

Director of the National Security Agency: Barron Trump, age 10, currently a student at Columbia Grammar and Preparatory School in New York, because he’s “really good with computers.”

Ambassador to the United Nations: Alexandria Nichole Mills, Miss World 2010, who lives in Bardstown, Kentucky, home of both Jim Beam and Maker’s Mark, and believes in world peace.

Secretary of Agriculture: Josh Sobel, former head of men’s fragrances at Tommy Hilfiger, whose brilliant combination of juniper, red currant, coriander, and frozen ginger resulted in the eau de toilette spray Trump Success getting into Target stores in the Midwest. Josh has a plan to stop growing all that wheat—ewwwwww, gluten, yuk!—and start growing lavender, jasmine, violet leaf, orange blossom, peppermint, chamomile, and gingko biloba because “HELLO, don’t they look a lot nicer and smell better?

Secretary of the Interior: Heather Montana, former head of guest relations at Trump International Hotel & Tower Waikiki Beach Walk, who has some really, really great fantastic ideas about how to put a golf course on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon in which every drive is threatened by a 6,000-foot drop and to create a health spa adjacent to Old Faithful so that the 204-degree water at the vent can be air-cooled to a perfect 120 in the National Park Service Unisex Steam Room.

Secretary of Transportation: Retired fighter pilot Chris “Iron Jockstrap” Ledbetter, responsible for seventeen chicken incidents in the eastern Mediterranean and South China Sea, currently living in a trailer house in the Chihuahua Desert but willing to move to D.C. if he can implement his “all jets, all the time” transportation strategy, which would create a system of single-occupant commuter planes in order to relieve rush-hour traffic congestion while providing a major boost to the energy industry since the amount of jet fuel consumed would cause a 50 percent hike in the benchmark price of West Texas Intermediate crude.

Secretary of the Treasury: One advantage of being President is that you have virtually unlimited powers of pardons and paroles. Since the national debt is at an all-time high, since it’s impossible to ever make good on our international financial obligations, and since most of the President’s triumphs have been in Palm Beach, Florida, that maelstrom of millionaires and billionaires where any deal can happen at any moment and any current problem can be solved by restructuring it into future promises, this is the most inspired appointment of all. The next Secretary of the Treasury will be Bernie Madoff.

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