When I was 13 I was looking at an old Penthouse out behind school and Dale Aiken said, “This is nothing. When you’re married, you get to see your wife’s tits anytime you want.” This seemed too good to be true. Twenty-eight years later, with a wife and two kids, I can attest that it is. This morning I asked my wife to show me her tits, and without looking up from the paper she said a very curt, “No.” When I said, “You have to show me them. You’re my wife,” she didn’t even respond.
I thought getting married was going to be like having a live-in sex slave, but it’s just as hard picking up chicks at home as it was in the clubs. However, being as tenacious as I am libidinous has led me to 10 simple tips that can help you score with even the most out-of-your-league wife.
1. WATCH HER FAVORITE TV SHOW
Bringing home flowers makes it look like you’re having an affair. Bring home a bottle of red wine instead and after the kids go to bed, open it up and watch her favorite TV show like you care. Get involved in the plot and say things like, “Is she insane? The judges hate when you take the easy route and cook what you’re known for. She’s doomed.” They seem to like incredulity a lot. After the show, she’ll be happy she has a best pal as a roommate and if you don’t move too fast, you can probably get in there.
WARNING: You are playing with fire watching these shows and if you let your guard down, it’s very easy to get hooked. I already have Stockholm Syndrome with Mob Wives, and missing an episode of Downton Abbey is as stressful as missing my period.
2. DON’T MASTURBATE
Your job as a husband is to act like you’re a fireman and your penis is the hose. If she’s in the mood on Christmas morning or an hour after your dad dies, you have to be able to drop everything and run into the flames, turgid firehose in hand. As the warden instructed the prisoners in Papillon, “Put all hope out of your mind…and masturbate as little as possible. It drains the strength.”
3. NO FARTING
Going to the bathroom with the door open or letting one rip in the living room doesn’t seem like a big deal when you’ve been living with someone for ten years, but know this: Every time you fart near your wife, a blowjob loses its wings. As Rachel Herz points out in her new book That’s Disgusting, nothing turns off a woman more than bad odors, so make sure you keep that shit as far from her nose as possible.
4. BIDE YOUR TIME
Unless someone slips her some Spanish Fly, you are not going to get laid while the kids are awake. Mothers get exhausted pretty soon after the kids go to bed, so scope out your window and only go for it when it’s open. If you’re repeating, “Wanna have sex?” all the time, you are seen as just another child that wants something from her. Actually, never say, “Wanna have sex?” You’re making love, not nachos.
5. FOOT MASSAGES ARE A GYP
Giving her a foot massage is the crack cocaine of picking up your wife. It works the first time, but then she wants more, and the next thing you know, you need a hand massage for your aching fingers. The only way massages work is when you do them in the middle of the day with no chance for sexual reciprocation. That makes it look like you’re not doing it just to get laid, which is a great way to get laid later.
6. MAKE THE KIDS LAUGH
You’d think disciplining the kids would make her feel like she’s living with a real man who can take care of her. Yelling, “Listen to your mother!” when she calls them for dinner shows you have her back, no? Nope. It makes her think this is the same old crappy marriage everyone else has. I’ve noticed I get way more points when I make the kids giggle. If your kids are running around the house laughing hysterically like it’s a birthday party, you had better save some energy for her because you’re about to get seriously laid, my friend.
7. DON’T TALK ABOUT YOURSELF
Remember in your single days how fruitful it was to ask her about her life? Apparently, that still applies. It’s cathartic to bitch about your job when you get home, but she’s not your therapist. She’s still that girl you were trying to pick up when you first met her. To give up on that is to give up on the whole marriage. When you get home, ask her about her day and do everything you can to pay attention. I find it helps to dig your fingers into your leg or bite the inside of your cheek until it bleeds.
8. DATE NIGHT
Our parents never had date night, but after they became our parents, our parents never got laid. Taking time out of your busy day to book a babysitter is so counterintuitive it borders on pussy-whipped, but it’s about the only sure thing a married man has left. Date night means she gets all dressed-up. That makes her feel less like a live-in maid who babysits your kids and more like the chick in that Chris de Burgh song.
I hate getting “comfers cozers,” as my wife puts it. I don’t even take my boots off when I get home, but married women don’t want to get banged by Lemmy in the bathroom. They want to have a sleepover with their gay friend and maybe get an “internal massage” after he leaves. That means you have to put on some stupid pajama-type clothes and sort of spoon her in front of the TV while pretending sex is the last thing on your mind. (I’m not sure why, but I find picturing Kevin Spacey’s gigantic head floating around the living room helps.) When she starts channel-surfing and getting bored, calmly turn off the TV and make your move. Her gay friend just left the building.
Fights are intense when you’re married because it’s like fighting with yourself. You know all the weak spots and can dig the knife right in just the right spot before twisting it in. I knew a heavyset urban-music producer in Vancouver who was arguing with his late-thirties girlfriend. She was just getting over a drug addiction and as he stormed out of the room she yelled, “See ya, fat wigger,” and he replied, “Goodbye, junkie spinster.” I’ve never heard more perfectly honed attacks.
Crossing the line usually means about three days on the couch, and it’s during that time you’re reminded of what life was like without her. Where the fight highlights all the worst things about a relationship, the doghouse reminds you why you got married in the first place. I don’t recommend starting a fight just for makeup sex, but the “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” boner is so intense, it can’t not make a baby. And that’s why we’re here, after all.
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