5. IS HE AMBITIOUS?
He doesn’t have to be successful. He just has to put at least 40 hours a week into something about which he’s passionate. I don’t care if his passion is something retarded such as being a photographer. If he gets up at 9AM and starts organizing contact sheets while putting the jobs that pay on the top of the To Do list, he’s a keeper. But if he wakes and bakes, he’s a loser. There’s nothing wrong with marijuana but it is not an office supply and it should only be used to make sex better and movies funnier. The only thing worse than being dumped is having your live-in boyfriend sit on the couch all day and complain about how you think less of him because he sits on the couch all day.
6. DOES HE CALL HIS MOTHER?
If he doesn’t give a shit about the matriarch, how do you think he’s going to feel about you when you become a mom? If he talks to his mother once a day, he’s a beta male, but if he doesn’t speak to either his mother or at least his grandmother once a week, you’re about to get neglected.
7. CAN HE CALL IT A NIGHT?
It’s OK to party hard occasionally. But if there’s no down time/suffering/remorse, he has an addictive personality and will be partying hard for the rest of his life. The Mötley Crüe roadies had a rule: “One day on. One day off.” Every time someone broke that rule, they ended up in rehab.
8. IS HE A PROFESSIONAL MUSICIAN OR ACTOR?
Men are only as loyal as their options, and these two professions provide an endless supply of women who are just like you, only better. The only time it’s possible to sustain a marriage when the man is gone for four months at a time is when he’s wearing a uniform and people are shooting at him.
9. IS HIS PENIS TOO SMALL?
In this modern age you get to test-drive the dick before marrying his ass, but holding endless auditions can grow tiresome. If you don’t want to take the long route to discover it’s too short, here’s a shortcut: If he’s really handsome and nice but girls keep breaking up with him, it’s too small.
10. DOES HE STILL GET ALONG WITH HIS DAD?
This one’s tricky. Around half of marriages end in divorce, so it’s not like you can rule out everyone whose parents aren’t still together (though it’s a real plus if they are). If his dad was a womanizer and your boyfriend spent a lot of time with him, the odds are pretty high you’re living with someone who sees women as fuck-buddies. However, if his father was a total deadbeat and deserted the family, he may be less likely to repeat the mistake because he knows how it feels. But studies show fatherless men tend to lack the basic parenting skills and have trouble coping, so even though most of them say they intend to be better parents, they rarely are. Therefore, if his dad’s a mensch and they have a good relationship, things are looking good. If he hates his father, you’re either really lucky or doomed.
Geez, this is harder than I thought. Sorry, ladies—you’re on your own.
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