September 09, 2016
NEW YORK—Hi, I’m Jocelyn, and I’m passionate about cloud storage!
As founder and CEO of MeCloud, I’m excited to be bringing a consumer-facing enterprise team to application design while using my 35 years as a Certified Life Transformation Coach to establish a soul connection between digital technology and the divinity dwelling inside your hidden Truth Spirit.
What we do at MeCloud is take a large variety of codebases and use them to drill down into all cognitive and fiscal aspects of your current life, employing Oprah’s SuperSoul litmus test to turbocharge your results strategy. Cost of the initial two-day workshop, taught by leading low-carb branding influencer Vicki Wolverton, is $199, and we also provide a 20 percent discount on Wisdom Keeper journals that will last a lifetime, or at least until they’re uploaded to your personal asteroid address on MeCloud!
My purpose is to put your creative track on steroids. After Vicki’s boot camp, you’ll be encouraged to express your unique inner power by writing poems, songs, lyrics, and prayers about the god-in-you and then releasing those spirit-investments into the world by sharing them in an online forum moderated by Ramakant Patel, a MeCloud Associate Life Strategist and internet marketer known for his miracle work with digestive diseases in the Dominican Republic and the reduction of opiate use in ninth-grade special-needs children. Ramakant’s DSL Forum (Discover Share Learn) is moderated 24/7 by Happiness Sprinklers who make sure your contributions are not demeaned or diminished by negative-energy wellness vampires.
[Please note: If you are asked to leave the DSL Forum, you will be redirected to a free diagnostic conference with certified Strategic Interventionist Wanda Van Hasselbeck, who holds advanced degrees in Reiki Energy Healing and Guided Meditation. Wanda can prequalify you for participation in teaching modules for misery-free weight loss, smoking cessation through use of the metaphysical sciences, executive burnout stress counseling, anger management channeled through iambic-pentameter sonnet writing, and a special course for victims of narcissistic abuse who learn to become survivors through neuro-linguistic uses of the Tibetan Healing Arts.]
As a single mom who had to learn to love my own parenting challenges while managing a professional dance career, then becoming the only nurse in Calhoun County, Iowa, to be certified to administer intralipids through a double-lumen catheter, I eventually obtained a master’s degree in Facebook marketing and feel that I’m now uniquely positioned to manage MeCloud’s palette of transformational therapies, including UPA (Unlimited Potential Awareness), IPA (Identify Process Achieve), and TOTET (Take Out the Emotional Trash). To do this, I’ve put together a team of intuitive spiritual counselors and small-business consultants who redefine the word “innovation”:
(1) Ngapoi Nga-Wang Jigme, a Bhutanese priest who achieved unparalleled results in his native country while treating fibromyalgia and developed those techniques into an acclaimed acupuncture therapy for professional Scrabble contestants.
(2) Theresa Fillmore-Chang, the San Francisco Realtor who invented holistic dining.
(3) Alexandra Holloway, former head of Human Resources at Tinker Morgan Karpell & Foster, who discovered the intense insight inherent in the processing of medical disability claims and developed MeCloud’s “Human Resources for Human Resource Professionals” as well as “Guidance for Professional Guidance Counselors,” our only two courses designed to allow total anonymity.
(4) Wanda Ferguson Crabbe, certified Christian Whole-Being Family Counselor and author of 271 books, including Becoming the Woman God Fashioned Into Loveliness, How to Decode Your Husband’s Moods Before It’s Too Late, Making PTSD Work for You, How to Speak to Your Kids So Your Kids Will Speak to Your Mother, Joy-Based Dream Building, Jesus-Centered Kitchen Etiquette in the Blended Family, and I Adore Me: Answers for the Confused Single Mom. [Please note: Mrs. Crabbe’s Amazon best-seller, The Next Person You Meet Might Be Jesus, has been withdrawn from publication after being deemed frightening to nursing-home patients. MeCloud apologizes for any inconvenience, especially to the family of the late Estelle Sturtivant.]
(5) Dr. Stanley Flanagan of Tufts University, author of Jump-Starting Your Colon and the world’s leading expert on triple-amputee counseling, holistic bullying solutions, and the treatment of retired adult-film actors with chronic rectal issues.
(6) Connie Culligan, Change Evangelist, Chief Happiness Officer, Dream Builder, and Bikram Hot Yoga Instructor, who uses her career as a regional fitness-club marketing manager to create “You Are the Prayer” barefoot-dancing marathons. Connie also lectures on “Avoiding the Stairmaster Butt” and serves as the Assisted Living Sports Director at several Albuquerque-area facilities.
(7) Julia Winterthorn Spradling, author of Unwrapping the She-Wolf, shamanistic energy practitioner and certified Heart Work Facilitator, who uses Incan menstrual rituals to shape deep-spirit female bonding in “You Can Fly” divorce transition workshops as well as “Ignite Your Passion” pole-dance therapy for victims of erectile-dysfunction partnerships. Julia is also a business recovery coach with credentials in addiction counseling who can bring the warrior spirit to your organization and/or bring the warrior spirit to your penis.
(8) Annie Cabell, a retired burlesque artist who at one time was the only accredited nude dancer in Communist East Germany, works exclusively with women in thrice-weekly intensive seminars designed to solve specific problems. “Put Your Best Foot Forward” is a video course in erotic techniques for women married to a partner with a metatarsal or phalanges fixation. “Awakening the Dormant Vagina” is a nine-week course for post-menopausal divorced women that has a 99 percent success rate and is co-taught by adjunct transformation facilitator Tony “The Pistol” Strazzatelli. Tony also works with men in a sliding-scale program called “Stress Free Income for Parolees,” empowering and promoting internet-based industries tailored to long-term ex-convicts with facial tattoos.
I’m proud of our team at MeCloud, but more important, I’m proud of you for making the initial $199 life pledge, downloading the app, and starting on the exciting road toward bundling your neuroses into a single cloud-storage brain pod. We don’t believe in quick fixes at MeCloud—this is a journey, not a Band-Aid. Life is not a dress rehearsal! Within one year of uploading your baggage to the cloud, you’ll begin to cast off your chains and seek out new realities, whether that be changing jobs, changing partners, or changing genders. But we don’t abandon our people, so when you do take that fast ferry to Fixer-Upper Island, we’ll be there with career counseling and placement services.
Maybe you’ve always wanted to work in the exploding animal-rights industry. We can get you there. Maybe you’ve always had a desire to work with sick children. We can not only put you on the road to sickness, but we can provide the sick child. Maybe you want to combine careers, working with animals who create realities for sick children, or maybe you want to learn couples glamour photography while designing board games for Unitarian singles meet-ups. Whatever might have registered in that rear-lobe dream cavity of your unique brainpan, we can make it happen!
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