America’s energy policy is in shambles. Current green solutions of solar and wind power, like tidal and geothermal power before them, have proved inadequate. We have lots of coal, but it’s too dirty. The promise of nuclear fusion and breeder reactors remains only a promise. Clearly, America needs a low-tech green-energy source that could be ready tomorrow without political cronyism.
Fortunately, a solution exists to supply ample cheap green energy and, as an added dividend, bring domestic tranquility on a scale once unimaginable. It’s called “Women’s Empowerment.”
I live in New York, and as typical of most urban settings, the city abounds with health clubs, usually with a largely female clientele. You can see it from street level—no matter what the hour, masses of women are furiously marching on treadmills, pumping away on stair climbers, riding stationary bikes, doing aerobics, and otherwise exhausting themselves. This amounts to billions of wasted BTUs. It is also been my impression that the most energetic gym devotees are single liberal Democratic feminists. Married women surely work out, but less frequently, and they lack their angry feminist sisters’ intensity.
The trick is to harness this wasted energy and route it to the power grid. I propose a new era of neighborhood power stations consisting of gyms catering to women, especially those of the angry feminist persuasion. With minimal cost, entrepreneurs would construct Women’s Empowerment Centers (WECs) that would attract exercise-driven feminists. There would be zero carbon, zero radioactive waste, no birds killed by windmills, and no dangerous high-voltage transmission lines—clean, clean, clean, and cheap! These facilities would superficially resemble exercise clubs. Only a keen observer could tell the difference.
To “supercharge” these women, I suggest the old feminist standby—consciousness-raising. After a few minutes of warm-ups, a paid group leader would turn up the fury by reading aloud womyn’s herstory: how women were abused as property, how the patriarchy enforces the glass ceiling, livid details of what happens to women who rejected the sexual double standard, and graphic stories of botched female circumcision. The surrounding walls will be covered with anger-arousing statistics—women only earn 57% of a man’s salary, divorced women’s standard of living declines by 70%, women hold fewer than 10% of all top government and industry positions, and a woman’s blouse costs more to dry-clean than a man’s shirt. Attendants would distribute tempting food and drink while warning recipients that such delectables would make women too fat to attract a rich husband after their present spouse abandons them for a young tart.
White-hot anger would now be raised to blinding rage. Loudspeakers would broadcast messages in a male voice that women should accept their role as homemaker, that if they want to succeed in a man’s world they must learn to think rationally, and that daycare irreparably damages their children. These long discourses will be spiced up with jokes about why men don’t like intelligent women, advice from male doctors on coping with PMS, and tips on painful methods to remove ugly body hair.
The hyster-energy, as it is now called to distinguish it from male forms of power, is captured with a device called a self-esteem engine that mechanically transforms violent physical motions into high-speed revolution of a shaft. This shaft creates electricity inside a specially designed Gynamo. Output is calibrated in Dworkins, in honor of the late 20th-century feminist activist who championed women’s power. One Dworkin equals the energy from one working woman on the self-esteem engine for one 28-day period. On average, one WEC facility will generate about 24 Mega Dworkins (MDkns) per month, or enough to supply all the electricity to a city of about 30,000.
The power that women will create in these rooms is so great that safety standards must be high. Leakages into the surrounding environment could make the Three Mile Island accident look like a picnic. Temperatures are closely monitored, and pictures of Susan B. Anthony or Alice Walker may have to be flashed at the first sign of meltdown. Workers at these facilities, especially males, will wear extra-heavy-duty protection lest they are exposed to government-specified debilitating levels of rage. Elaborate plans are also necessary for the eventual retirement of “spent” energy producers who have lived an intense life raging at male domination and injustice. While no longer a vital source of liberated energy, these women are nevertheless still too angry to return to normal life.
Energy will be cheaper and more plentiful, with each community establishing its own Women’s Empowerment Centers network. But most important will be social transformation. Just as the feminists predicted, women’s power will uplift society. Compared to the tumultuous 20th century, life in the early 21st century will be almost serene. The tens of thousands of feminist women spending their days exhausting themselves at the Women’s Empowerment Centers will justifiably take much of the credit. Politics will now almost be totally free of shrill acrimonious debate, men will no longer seek solace in drugs and alcohol, and absent hordes of angry, bitter women, bachelors will return to the marriage market. All across the land, wherever an electric light shines or an electric motor hums, America can thank the power of women.
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