Fuck Single Mothers (Figuratively)

April 22, 2009

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Fuck Single Mothers (Figuratively)

Not just Octomom but Bimom and Unimom, too.

It took me several years to gain my wife’s trust. For some reason she didn’t want to give her ovaries to a complete asshole who cared more about cocaine and comedy than fidelity. After about four years of courting and getting older, we both took a deep breath and walked down the aisle. Soon after that, some (well-planned) babies came out of her vagina.

The first thing that pops into your head when you become a new parent is, “How do single mothers do it?” The thought made me hate any man who ever abandoned a mother. I can’t even listen to TV on the Radio after hearing one of the guys in the band abandoned his girlfriend and their (well-planned) baby.

Unfortunately, math crept into the equation and told me only 38% of single mothers have been abandoned. That leaves over a million women a year having babies with no man, just because they want one. Today the U.S. Census tells us there are over 10 million single moms in America raising 2 children each without a dad (stop saying “single parent” by the way, barely 3% of single parents are dads who never married). It’s amazing that it feels outrageous to simply acknowledge: This is not good. My fellow New Yorkers think a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, but if you ask most young girls if they’d prefer a dad over a new bike, I’m guessing they’d choose the former. If they wouldn’t. They’d be wrong.

I’m sorry but after the relentless wooing it took to get these kids in my life and the heaps and heaps of attention it takes to keep them fulfilled, the first thing that pops into my head is, “What a bunch of stupid bitches most single mothers are.” Funnily enough, an old New York University study from the ’50s says they’re just that, specifically, “overtly dominant, aggressive, narcissistic and bitterly hostile.” Sounds accurate to me. Shit, I get uncomfortable when I see babies with pierced ears, but you’re cutting out 50% of their parenting? Isn’t that child abuse? Talk about starting your child out with a crippling handicap.

Oh. Excuse me for a second. It’s Saturday and right now, and my 2 year-old daughter is standing next to the kitchen table and hollering, “I want to see Woody Woodpecker!!!” We heard one in the trees yesterday so I brought her to the computer to show her what they look like. Woody appeared in the search and that led to her knowledge of this ancient cartoon. Now, I would love to sit her in front of my wife’s computer with Woody on a YouTube loop so I could finish this in peace, but I’m not going to do that. My wife and I avoid the electronic babysitter at all costs.

Speaking of which, can you imagine how much TV the children of single mothers watch? It boggles my mind and their kids’ minds at the same time. I wouldn’t be surprised if the TV is constantly on. The adverse effects of this kind of half-assed parenting are pretty evident all over America. Just go to your local prison. 80% of inmates come from single mother homes. A 2001 book called The Index of Leading Cultural Indicators discovered these fatherless children account for, “63% of youth suicides, 70% of teen pregnancies, 71% of all teenage drug and alcohol abuse” they also account for, “90% of homeless and over 90% of runaways.”

The Left’s favorite defense regarding all this is to say, “Most of the children from single mothers do just fine.” Well, when you’re talking almost 20 million, you better hope the majority do just fine. Liberals took New Math in school so they have trouble with the concept of “disproportionality.” I’ve done heroin half a dozen times, and I’m still here. That doesn’t mean it’s harmless. The only way people can defend single mothers is to dig up some horrible, abusive marriage where both spouses live in hell. It makes for good song lyrics but marriage is simply not the living nightmare the Left wants it to be.

According to the National Crime Victimization Survey single mothers are at least twice as likely to get beaten by their boyfriend than married women are by their husband. The same study also says married women are less likely to suffer any violent crime. The scariest part of this survey however, is what it says about kids, “Children of divorced or never-married mothers are six to 30 times more likely to suffer from serious child abuse than are children raised by both biological parents in marriage.”

So yeah, please don’t pile on me some anecdotal evidence about your mother raising you all by herself and your turning out just fine. You’re one in a million—or, more accurately, one in a hundred. Although, come to think of it, it’s difficult to quantify the damage 35 hours of TV a week did to you, so maybe you are damaged and the stats just don’t know it yet.

The baby boomers invented a world where we collectively worship everyone who’s hard done by (they also invented divorce and never being wrong). I have to admit, it’s pretty fun. Feeling sorry for blacks makes you feel like a Freedom Rider, but what if said blacks made themselves that way? Isn’t that just someone in blackface? Should we feel bad when drag queens are victims of sexism? Are paraplegics who got that way from driving drunk victims? Single mothers are unique because not only did they make themselves victims, but they brought another, more serious victim into the mix—their children.

Ooops. Sorry. One second. I have to go make the salt and pepper shakers talk to my daughter. They are shaped like gnomes and she loves to hear what they have to say. Oh! I hear angry squeaks! Sounds like my son’s awake. My wife is going to go get him. Cute, my daughter wants to go with her and see her brother get up. I’d love to get into this single mother thing a bit more but as soon as the baby’s dressed, we’re going to take both kids to the park. My wife will look after my infant son on the grass while I push my daughter on the swing and then we’ll switch and the girls will play while I look after the baby. Somehow we’ll all be knackered at the end and that means the kids will sleep more soundly giving us a few hours of freedom after 8 o’clock. Man, these kids are kicking our asses. OK, quick closing paragraph then I have to get the baby’s seat back in the car…

Almost everyone wants kids. It’s in our DNA. I wanted a motorbike really badly when I was 13 but I didn’t get one until I could afford my own at the ripe old age of 22. If you didn’t get around to meeting someone you can be with for, I don’t know, at least 18 years, I have some bad news for you. You can’t have a baby. Sorry. It’s not you. It’s the kid. It wouldn’t be fair.

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