THE DARK ANGEL DESCENDS ON BEVERLY HILLS
Singer Whitney Houston’s drug-addled body finally gave out on her. She had been on drugs for the past two decades, but somehow her fans were hoping she would revert back to her wholesome pre-Bobby Brown self. Was Bobby to blame for Houston’s drug abuse, or was she always a bit wacko and merely projected a squeaky-clean image? I can’t help but feel sorry for poor little Bobbi Kristina, Houston’s teenage daughter. News reports said the girl was inconsolable and possibly suicidal. She has been admitted to the hospital twice since her mother’s death last week. Whitney was found in a bathtub at the Beverly Hilton hours before she was due to perform at a major event at the hotel. Her body has since been shipped back to New Jersey for burial. The singer was on the verge of bankruptcy when she died, having blown a $100-million fortune. Houston joins a long list of musicians who have lived fast and died young. Let us hope her daughter’s life has a happier ending.
BABY HEF GOES BONKERS
Pornography and violence continue to go hand-in-hand, despite attempts to legitimize the industry. Hugh Hefner’s 21-year-old son Marston was arrested Sunday and charged with beating up his girlfriend, 2011 Playmate of the Year Claire Sinclair. Sinclair says Hefner had been violent with her in the past but that she is still willing to forgive him if he makes a public apology and seeks psychiatric help. Hefner’s dumb dad Hugh said the kids will patch things up if they really care for each other. Baby Hef certainly grew up in a disgusting environment that was surely unkind to women. Really, Marston, you should know better. Don’t take any tips from your dad.
THREE MEN AND THREE BABIES
A British man has given birth to a son. The child is believed to be the third of its kind. An American man and a Spanish man, both of whom have retained female organs despite choosing to live as men, have previously given birth. Three too many. Yuck. Third time’s a charm? There’s nothing charming about this.
NOTHING TO CLAP ABOUT
If that story wasn’t enough to stave you off sex forever, maybe this one will. The Centers for Disease Control says that gonorrhea will soon be untreatable. A new strain of the “clap” resists even the strongest antimicrobial medication. All the more reason to rock a rubber cock sock. Duh.
LOHER AND LOHER SHE GOES
Lindsay Lohan forgot to pay her taxes last year and apparently the IRS is after her for more than $100,000. Nevertheless, the other Long Island Lolita (Lohlita?) appeared at an amfAR benefit in New York last week looking as if she’d been dead for a year. The former child star had a ridiculous head of bleached-blonde hair plus extensions and thick bangs that were savagely unflattering. Lohan has since appeared at other events and locations around the city looking a bit better, but still as ragged as a blown tire on the side of the road. She has injected her lips and Botoxed her face which, in addition to the cheap-looking hair, bodes badly for her future appearance. Lohan isn’t even thirty yet but she looks much older. Lindsay, babe: Lose the extensions, go back to red, and quit going under the knife. You’re looking like a porn star and it ain’t pretty. But you are pretty. Get it together, sister, while there’s still time. Your parents may be wack, but you’re out-wacking them.
Stephanie Mack, AKA Stephanie Madoff, née Mikesell, is moving on with her life. In a New York Post article, Mark Madoff’s widow reveals how she is coping after her husband’s suicide and her father-in-law’s infamous Ponzi scheme crackup. Mack, who attended the Upper East Side’s tony Nightingale-Bamford School, says she told her children, “Daddy got a boo-boo on his brain that made his heart stop.” We are glad she has her life back and is appearing in magazines, but we wonder why she bothered changing her name if she’s still telling everyone who she is. We also want to know why she thinks “daddy got a boo-boo” when “daddy” was probably the only decent Madoff. Under different circumstances suicide might be a “brain boo-boo,” but in this case, it was the honorable thing to do. From his photos, Mark Madoff looked like a nice guy.
Poor Charlene of Monaco can’t catch a break. The oft-sedated wife of Prince Albert is apparently undergoing IVF treatments. Does she refuse to fornicate, or can’t he get it up for her? Maybe she’s too unhappy to conceive. Could she be infertile? We can’t imagine her plumbing wasn’t checked before the grand nuptials. Hormone treatments are supposedly making Charlene even more volatile than usual, and she is countering her unhappiness with many visits to the plastic surgeon. Rumor on the Riviera is she’s not even living in the royal palace anymore and has an apartment in town. What a sad and pathetic life. What makes things even worse is that Albert looks so happy in every photo op, while Charlene looks totally sapped. I knew the Grimaldis were warped, but this union really ices the cake.
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