Why are women in bars? I mean, I know why they’re allowed in bars. It’s the law, but why do they bother? Isn’t it like Gay Marriage? You want the right to do it but you don’t actually want to literally do it. Bars are about poisoning your body and arguing about politics, which, when you get right down to it, is arguing about numbers. Women aren’t predisposed to either of those things. So why do they do it?
They do it because it’s empowering to be a man. So, they sugar coat the booze, add some food coloring and dive into the numbers fight. I was at a pub the other night and that girl who always talks about being raped showed up. I think her name is Megan Iwasraped. Within about ten minutes of meeting her, she made it clear to the table she had been raped by blurting out, “I was raped.” This instantly had the desired effect and made us treat her with kid gloves because of the oppressive oppression that permeates every aspect of her life. It was like she took a pill and instantly became black.
A little bit later, one of the guys I was with leaned over and whispered something into her ear. Then they made out. Then they faced the table smiling and holding hands. It was one of the strangest social gestures I have ever witnessed. After enjoying the sympathy rape victims get and then being treated like an attractive sexual being for a change, she was feeling empowered enough to play with the big boys. I had been saying there was no way anyone could call themselves a feminist today and not be constantly bitching about Islam. I criticized Jezebel for their lack of Neda coverage and she showed me some posts she had done on that very subject by pulling them up on her iPhone. Touché. Maybe this is one of the few women who DOES belong in bars, I thought, the exception that makes the rule.
Unfortunately, the conversation left the cold, hard, facts and drifted back into arbitrarily defending the Middle East. We even got into that cliché of comparing high heel shoes to burqas. Oy vey. Sexism in the West does not exist when put next to sexism in the East. When my wife and her friends have a girl’s night out they’re all wearing stilettos so high the air is thin and the LAST thing they want to do is run into some dudes. In fact, they usually book a karaoke room just so they can be alone. Women wear high heels because they feel like it, and nobody’s going to give them 15 lashes if they don’t. This is not the case in Hofuf. Today’s Islam is all about the repression of women no matter where they live. Muslims are throwing butyric acid in women’s faces in London right now for not marrying the right guy. Two thirds of all murders in the West Bank are honor killings. Yemen, Lebanon, Egypt… they all have dozens of honor killings a year. It’s all about the Global Village when it comes to recycling your coffee cup but when Human Rights rears its ugly head, you shy away and pretend it’s none of our business.
See? This is what bars are about. Using numbers to argue political points. It’s like Dungeons and Dragons and I totally understand why half the population finds it boring. Men use their little number figurines to battle it out and if they lose, well, that works, too. That’s how we learn. Since when do women want to play a mathy version of Risk? The president of Harvard lost his job for saying numbers is a male game but behind closed doors, every female I know happily admits stats, figures, and all that jive, bores the shit out of them.
Anyway, during our “debate” the Middle East kept getting high fives and I was starting to hear talk of the burqa being empowering. “So why is it made out of black polyester,” I asked. Why not some flowing white cotton? “It’s not made out of polyester” she retorted before adding, “Polyester is an oil based product. They export oil.” Huh? Is that why toothpicks are verboten at the lumber yard? “Get that out of your mouth Harv! We need to export that! We only use plastic toothpicks here!” Megan realized she wasn’t making sense so she pulled out the Jezebel race card: “What about rape?” she asked. As Heart’s “What About Love” played in my head with new lyrics, I smiled and said, “Honey, America ain’t got nuthin’ on the Middle East when it comes to rape.” She then said, “Did you just call me honey?” and stormed out of the bar. Thank God.
I don’t get the modern New York feminist. Why do they want to be men? What’s so disgusting about being a woman? They are so determined not to fall into the parent trap or the kitchen jail they have single sex in the city until their ovaries dry up and they feel like worthless, lonely, pieces of shit (“No I’m not. I’m a cougar! Cougar power. Right ladies? Right? Um… hello?”) I remember a comment on Jezebel that said, “I resent mcguinness saying it’s ‘natural’ for women to have children.” How’s that for the pendulum snapping off its hinges and flying into the toilet? Today’s feminists actually resent what it is to be a woman. They resent the ability to give life. Ooooooh kaaaaaaye.
The irony is, by discrediting all it is to be a female and trying desperately to prove they are just as male as most men, they become the textbook definition of a misogynist. No ladies, you’re not as good at fractions as us and you can’t bench press as much as us. So fucking what. YOU’RE MAGIC. Living beings that populate the world come out of your body. You’re a magic alien with super powers that we all need to exist. Now you want to beat me at checkers, too? It’s like me sitting at a bar and telling Superman, “I know way more about punk seven inches than you AND I am way better at making pant jokes than you. Therefore, I’m better.” Then he says, “Oh yeah?” And goes flying out the top of the bar knocking ten foot holes in every floor he goes through. Then he flies to Mars and gets some huge rock nobody’s ever heard of. Then he brings it back and puts it on the bar and says, “Nigga, you’re not even in the same league as me.” To which I would respond, “Oh.”
However, women are taught never to discuss their superpowers. In fact, they are vilified for succumbing to them. Feminists worked hard to prove women are more than baby machines and to make babies is to trivialize that work. Look bitch, if you are one of the 5% that doesn’t want to enjoy the miracle of birth, you should have every right to do just that, but don’t drag the rest of the natural world down with you. Women earn less than men because they choose to. While men are happy to order pizza and go over the BNR Proposal all night for the big meeting tomorrow, women would rather go to their daughter’s dance recital. Good. That works. Why are you messing with it?
Why do I give a shit? Well, in a Catch-22 to beat the band, I consider myself far more feminist than this blogger or anyone at the website she works for. I want what’s best for women and rejecting their natural state is making them miserable. That’s right. The Bastardization of Instinct that is modern feminism has been making women unhappier every day since its inception. Their bodies tell them to breed so they do, but then there’s this strange inclination to “do it all” and be a man, too. This leaves them running two lives which is a pain in the ass. The ones who don’t breed are even more miserable. Way to go sisters. You wrecked yourself. Now leave us to our rotten barley and oats. We have some number fighting to do.
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