Shaidle Unchained

DNA Despair

December 13, 2016


The graph read: 44% Ireland, 30% Western Europe, 10% Great Britain, 8% Scandinavia, 4% Iberian Peninsula, 2% European Jewish (as I mentioned last week), 1% Finland/Northwest Russia, and less than 1% Italy/Greece.

Damn.

For someone who’s frequently called a “€œwhite supremacist,”€ the only group I make fun of more than the Italians is the frickin”€™ Irish, those lazy, petty, bitter losers. Let’s see their “€œFamous Invention”€ Souvenir Dish Towels!

But I also knew this Highland-free result was impossible. Yes, we are besieged by men who think they are women and whites who insist they”€™re black“€”but my grandmother was not pretending to be Scottish, like some old-lady Hebridean version of Breaking Away, as an excuse to decorate her house with plaid crap and Scottie-dog knickknacks. (Seriously. The whole damn place…)

So what the hell? I sulked for a couple of weeks, questioning pretty much everything I thought I knew about my identity.

Then, while writing this column, I uncovered something that Ancestry DNA doesn”€™t make at all clear until you dig pretty deep into their site:

The company doesn”€™t differentiate between Scottish and Irish DNA because they”€™re apparently too similar. They just call said results “€œIrish”€ because obviously the place is run by some Fenian bog-jumper.

Ha, I thought”€”but only briefly.

Because if the Irish and the Scotch (as we call them in Canada) aren”€™t that different genetically, how does a human-biodiversity thought criminal like me reconcile the obvious:

That Highlanders are a bold race of masterminds (okay, not Grandma…) and the Irish are, well, not?

And the worst part of all?

When it comes to DNA, I finally understand how the O.J. jury felt.

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