Deep Thoughts

Divorce Your Wife

April 27, 2017

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Divorce Your Wife

As Louis C.K. says, “No good marriage has ever ended in divorce.” You made a go of it, but for whatever reason it didn’t work out. The solution is simple: end it. Life is too short to keep wasting your time with something that isn’t working, so grow a pair of balls and rip the Band-Aid off.

It’s actually perfectly logical that things didn’t work out. We are all in a constant state of flux. Remember the idiotic things you believed when you were 17? The idea of having to sleep in a bed with that person for the rest of your life is just unthinkable. That’s what your marriage has become, a long and torturous chain to the past.

Most studies show that 70 percent of divorces are instigated by the wife. Maybe she got a lump of money after her father died and figured, “Why am I lying underneath this old boor every night?” A large inheritance can skew the power dynamic. If her dead dad is providing for her more than the breadwinner, he tends to lose his authority. Besides, a woman’s libido crashes before a man’s, so being constantly hounded for intercourse when you don’t want it is going to lead to some animosity. When women are in their 30s and now 40s, they are getting harassed by kids all day. The last thing they want to do is answer to their husband’s demands when the house is finally quiet. After the kids move out, solitude becomes even more inviting. The temptation is there for a woman to ask that one last kid—the one her age—to move out, too. Ah, serenity at last.

“Marriage is not an egalitarian relationship where two people are drifting along in matching kayaks hoping the current keeps them together.”

This, of course, doesn’t absolve men. I’ve spoken to many divorce lawyers who tell me the 70 percent stat is often women responding to a man who has made it clear he has no interest in continuing the relationship. Infidelity is another complicated issue. Often, women are divorcing their husband for cheating. In other cases, the man is cheating because his wife isn’t interested in putting out. Adding porn to this equation is like adding poison. Why should a man try to seduce his wife or work out their differences when there are an infinite number of naked women on his computer dying to relieve him? In order for a marriage to stay sexually vibrant, both parties have to be interested in each other at the exact same time. What are the odds of that?

There are a million other reasons marriages fall apart. Feminizing men and masculinizing women is garnering catastrophic results. We are living in a culture where divorce is no big deal. My wife is a Democrat in hyper-liberal New York and I guarantee when she complains to her friends about a fight they say, “He voted for Trump. Dump his ass.” Men think divorce is cool, too. Look at Louis C.K. He gets to walk around the house naked and do whatever he wants. Guys like it when their buddy gets divorced because they get to hang out with him more often. The reasons for divorce are often perfectly justified. One spouse drinks too much and after 37 strikes, he’s out. Maybe he did that ugly cry face when his mother died and she can’t get over it. I know of one couple who never recovered when the husband fell asleep driving and flipped the car. There are some mistakes that are unforgivable, so when a married couple are faced with that situation, there is one solution: let it go. 

After a brief period of mourning, it’s time to find your new mate. She should be someone who is good with your kids. I’m always alarmed by how many discussions about divorce ignore how it affects the kids. They say, “I have the whole week to myself,” without realizing that’s seven days the kids have no dad. The norm for custody seems to be Wednesday dinners and every second weekend. That sounds like a cool uncle, not a dad. Assuming you get a good custody deal, she’s going to be seeing a lot of the kids and she should enjoy that time. She should also be your type. Sure, we change over time, but our “type” doesn’t really change. I saw Raquel Welch on Sesame Street in 1978 and knew instantly I’d be marrying something similar. It was a strange time to be discovering the kind of woman you will eventually marry because the late ’70s and early ’80s were when the divorce epidemic hit. My parents stayed together, but it seemed like our couch had various divorcing dads sleeping on it without a break from 1980 to ’85. I remember being surprised to see that the woman they ended up shacking up with always seemed remarkably similar to the one they just left.

Which brings me to the crux of this article. Remarry your wife. I don’t mean have a second wedding in Hawaii and drag everyone across the ocean to watch you make out. That’s so gay it’s basically gay marriage. I’m saying, say goodbye to the old marriage and start anew WITH THE SAME WOMAN. That’s right. Recourt your wife from scratch. Stop farting around her. Stop looking at porn. Stop masturbating. Stop giving her the reins. You’re an in-control single guy, trying to get with the perfect mate. She’s got a great relationship with the kids. If you “remarry” her, you get full custody. No lawyer’s fees. No giving up half your savings. No deeply traumatized kids. The idiot who flipped the car, or ugly cried, or drank too much, or even cheated, is gone. The woman who resented that guy has nobody to resent anymore. You don’t even have to tell her this elaborate process is going on. It’s none of her business, really.


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