Holy See

Desperately Seeking Conservative Pope

February 28, 2013

Multiple Pages
Desperately Seeking Conservative Pope

Very soon all eyes will turn to Rome and mainstream media will have dissident “Catholics” bloviating away on the boob tube. They will be “very very disappointed” when the cry “Habemus Papam!” is heard and will dejectedly say, “This selection has put the Church back hundreds of years.”

I can’t wait.

The Church is in a state of sloth from suckling on the state’s teat because most Catholic charities around the world are funded by grants, not the faithful. Priests have disappeared from their confessionals and rectories to hang out in louche leather bars. Lawsuits and inner-city decay have bankrupted dioceses around the world. Folks in Europe don’t even pretend the Church exists anymore. So we do not need a black pope, we do not need a pastoral pope, we do not need a friendly pope, and we do not need some smiling old forgettable jackass. We need a son of a bitch pope. We need an unsmiling grumpy old man who says things such as “Get your ass to work on corporal works of mercy or you’ll go to hell” and “Now, therefore, we declare, say, define, and pronounce that for every human creature it is altogether necessary for salvation to be subject to the authority of the Roman pontiff.” If talking-head media libtard gasbags squawk, he can always use the papal form of the old F.U.: “I shall remember you in my intentions at Mass.”

“Handicapping the next pope in the world’s editorial pages has been a predictable banality in mankind’s steady march toward ignorance and auto-genocide.” 

Do you think popes can’t be anything but cheerful avuncular uncle types? Think again. Stephen the VI was an SOB. He dug up his predecessor and had him tried for heresy and mutilated the corpse—twice. For three centuries, each new pope had to state at his coronation that he “smites with eternal anathema the originators of the new heresy, Sergius…together with Honorius, because he assisted the base assertion of the heretics.” Honorius is Pope Honorius I and the Roman Breviary contained the condemnation of him on the Feast of St. Leo II right up until the 18th century.

Handicapping the next pope in the world’s editorial pages has been a predictable banality in mankind’s steady march toward ignorance and auto-genocide. The mainstream media trot out the usual dissenting “Catholics” as the enlightened calls for changes in the Church, but they typically miss the point entirely. Tim Stanley has done excellent criticism of papal news coverage in the Telegraph, and Father Dwight Longenecker has brilliantly skewered the media’s coverage of the papacy. I won’t belabor the obvious other than to loudly restate clearly and unambiguously: The Catholic Church is a hierarchical church which tells you what you must believe to have a chance of getting to heaven instead of spending eternity in hell. It is not a soft, fluid democracy where you can write an editorial based on the zeitgeist or your own feelings passed off as thoughts and change dogma or ontological actions.

Pope Sonofabitch the 1st should also bring back all the stuff. Pope Paul VI was the last pope to be crowned with the papal tiara, signifying to paleo Ultramontanes such as myself that he was Emperor of the World. He ruined it all by promulgating the worst Mass ever in any language. Father Flake still flagellates his faithful with the bleating folk farts of its arrhythmias today, despite clear warnings from Rome to turn up the volume on the solemnity and turn off the sophistry. Pope Benedict the XVI brought back the papal cross of Pius XII and a nice red Saturno and has sported an ermine cape and hat. But I won’t be happy until Pope Sonofabitch the 1st restores the pomp, the pageantry, and his army the Papal Zouaves and then marches on Italy and says, “You fucktards don’t know how to run anything. You are doing it my way now.” Italy and Europe need a strong sharp kick in the nuts, and Pope Sonofabitch the 1st is just the guy to do it.

I love a good horse race and so have been glued to every article and scrap about who is “papable.” For those of us who do our theology with a fist around a double bourbon in a crystal tumbler while listening to J. C. Bach cantatas and quoting Chesterton, Belloc, and Waugh, this is the most fun we probably are going to have for a decade.

Folks within the Church usually begin their speculations on whether the next pope should be a young outsider like Karol Wojtyla, an older insider with a steady hand like Joseph Ratzinger, someone from somewhere where the church is growing, or a familiar Italian bureaucrat like most past popes. Intrade says that pasta baby has a 35% chance of being elected while also admitting there is about a 14% chance the next pope is from the USA or Canada. The website Paddy Power has even more specific opportunities to bet on potential popes, and it is a lot of fun to watch the odds move. Still, I caution any probabilities on this because of the old expression “He who goes into conclave a pope comes out a cardinal.”

At his election Leo the X famously declared, “Let us enjoy the papacy since God has given it to us” and proceeded to have all his enemies die of food poisoning. My hope is that the next pope is as mean as Urban VI, the first pope of the Western schism. Once elected, Urban was prone to outbursts of rage, which prompted the cardinals to think they had made a mistake, so they elected another pope. It was a bad decision that ultimately led to three guys claiming the papal throne at the same time but is impossible to repeat under current rules.

My pick for Pope Sonofabitch the 1st is really who the Church needs: Archbishop André-Joseph Léonard of Mechelen-Brussels. The guy is NOT a cardinal and has been passed over a few times. When even liberal Catholics think that Benedict XVI hasn’t awarded him a red hat because he is too conservative, the Archbishop has to be doing something right. He’s the right man for the right time for the only job that matters.


Daily updates with TM’s latest


The opinions of our commenters do not necessarily represent the opinions of Taki's Magazine or its contributors.