Curse of the Mega-Sore-Ass, Canine Kevorkian, & She Doesn’t Like You in That Way

CURSE OF THE MEGA-SORE-ASS

Dear Delphi,

I was at dinner the other night when my best friend’s new Texan love decided to share some appalling jokes. For example: “What do you call a queer dinosaur? A mega-sore-ass.” I was horrified and it is pretty safe to say everyone at the table was as well. There was a very awkward moment of deadly silence with a lot of quick glances and a round of eye-popping staring. I am worried about my friend’s taste in men, but more to the point, the dinner conversation never recovered. Nobody knew what to do and I am worried about ever having to dine with him again. Not that I found the joke that bad, but I don’t want his tasteless jokes to ruin my evening by putting everyone in a bad mood, which it did!

—Offensive Jokester in Cape Cod


Dear Offensive Jokester in Cape Cod,

“The number-one reason women refuse to sleep with men is because they are not attracted to them.”

It is a sad state of affairs when you can’t make a tasteless joke. In the 80s they had books dedicated to the topic. When did we forget that things can be simultaneously offensive and funny? At the end of the day the dinosaur joke is harmless. Are you upset because it is insulting to the dinosaur, the gay community, or because it’s too descriptive and crass? Or do you feel guilty because you want to laugh but don’t think you should? When you are ten, maybe you get peer-pressured into tasting a revolting concoction made by your friend; when you are older you can feel the peer pressure to behave in a PC, conformist way. Don’t let it happen to you; stand up for your rights! The best policy would be to do exactly as you please. If you want to laugh, then laugh. If you want to tell the Texan it is offensive and unacceptable, then tell him so. That would make for an interesting and fiery dinner conversation. Either address it or move on. Whom are you trying to impress by burning a tasteless joke-teller at the stake? Don’t take everything so seriously. If you don’t want to be bothered by the tension he creates, then don’t go out to dinner with him again.

 

CANINE KEVORKIAN

Dear Delphi,

I simply do not know what to do. I have a yellow Labrador named “China” who is 14 years old, and I have always adored her. But ever since my first child came along, I am day by day less and less and less enamored of China. Now she is blind in one eye, is 100% incontinent, is developing arthritis, and is obviously losing it because she recently wandered into the road and got hit by a car. She needs to go to the vet at least once every two weeks. Sometimes I wish she would run away and/or die. I feel really guilty about the whole situation, but enough already, right?

—Dog Guilt in Denver

Dear Dog Guilt in Denver,

I suggest that you take her to the vet and see if the vet will help you put her and you out of your misery. How much do the two of you have to suffer before one of you begs for mercy? If she were a person she would have written a living will or signed a do-not-resuscitate order! Do her a favor and put her down. Pets should be loved and treated well, but they are still pets and they do not trump your children. So if your dog is taking time and energy away from your children, save the kids and get rid of the dog. If the vet refuses to help, look for a doggie Dr. Kevorkian or do a private poisoning. If you simply can’t stomach the idea of letting her go, then give her away. Having to change and care for diaper-wearing children is hard enough; you don’t need a diaper-wearing dog as well. Enough is enough!

 

SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU IN THAT WAY

Dear Delphi,

My problem seems simple enough, but I really cannot ask anyone except you anonymously because everyone would laugh at me. I have been dating a woman I really like for a half-dozen dates, but we have still not slept together. She says she is “not ready.” How long should I wait around? I am 40 and she is 35.

—Frustrated in Far Hills


Dear Frustrated in Far Hills,

Run for the farthest hills! Unless she is an ardent Catholic and still an unwed virgin, she has obviously been around the block a few times, so you have to ask yourself why is she telling you she is “not ready.” I can only think of a few valid reasons she wouldn’t be ready: 1) She was recently raped by a masked man in the nearby park; 2) She is currently dealing with a messy STD and has to wait for the meds to clear it up; 3) She just had an abortion; or 4) She has recently undergone vaginal rejuvenation and needs some more recovery time. The number-one reason women refuse to sleep with men is because they are not attracted to them. I think that’s the problem. Forget about her and find someone who’s ready.

 

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