Taki's Mag

January Jones

This week brings a steamin’ hot plate of scandal, scandal, scandal—flour bombs, plastic babies, break-ins, drunk driving, Ecstasy, and placenta-eating. Be sure to save some room for dessert!

The box-office receipts for The Hunger Games’ opening weekend were $2.5 million less than the distributor predicted. Every radio spot I heard was touting the biggest opening weekend ever. Steve Sailer doesn’t think much of the film, so I’ll save myself the trip and the $30, or whatever it costs these days to buy a ticket and some popcorn. Sorry, Jennifer Lawrence—you’re cute, but not that cute.

Speaking of not that cute, I seem to be the only person who doesn’t think Jon Hamm is a mega-fox. It’s all about the Roger Sterling character for me. Draper and his new French wife are neurotic and annoying. Mad Men had the highest ratings ever with Sunday night’s fifth-season premiere, but if the reviews are anything to go by, this season will be a disappointment compared to the first few years. The writers have introduced a Civil Rights plotline, apparently not realizing that the show’s pre-Civil Rights setting provided most of its charm. Maybe that divine piece of work Betty Draper will burn her bra and become a lesbian.

January Jones, the actress who plays Betty Draper, claims to have eaten her own placenta after giving birth to her son recently. Why she would tell us this instead of revealing the baby’s father? With any luck the kid will look just like his father and Ms. January won’t have to spill the juicy gossip about who spilled the seed. Is the man married? Does she even know who he is? Did the sperm come from an anonymous donor? Do tell—the suspense is killing us!

Another mystery floating atop the gossip pages regards Russell Brand and his new lady love/loves. Some magazines show him with a woman named Oriela Amieiro, while other reports say the lady is model Nikolett Barabas. Come on, TMZ, can’t you get this stuff right?

In news that’s so wrong it’s right, Whitney Houston‘s ex Bobby Brown was busted on a DUI charge earlier this week. His blood-alcohol level tested over the legal limit. This was not Brown’s first DUI, but surely this was a grief-related incident and he’ll be as decent as a church mouse for the rest of his days.

Poor Simon Cowell has bigger problems than his V-neck shirts and lousy attitude. A stalker broke into his London house last weekend after smashing a brick through a window while Cowell watched television. Not surprisingly, Simon was terrified. Cowell has been the victim of security lapses in the past; his car was bugged in 2008.

Khloe Kardashian has called off her association with PETA ever since an aggressive activist flour-bombed her sister Kim at Kim’s perfume launch. Khloe says the bullying tactics are a no-no and she wants nothing to do with the organization for whom she posed nude. They treated Kim unethically, which doesn’t necessarily mean Kim’s an animal.

There was scandal at the Winter Music Conference in Miami last week when Madonna asked a crowd if they had met Molly, an apparent reference to Ecstasy. Some DJ who was probably only trying to get his name in the paper was up in arms about the remark because, well, because drugs are illegal. I thought it was pretty cool of Madonna, if that’s even what she meant, because she doesn’t seem to leave the gym long enough to take an Ecstasy tablet or dip that dirty tongue of hers into a bag of crystals. The most genuinely offensive thing at the conference was the hideous bathing suit Paris Hilton was wearing. Why, God, why?

The best always comes last, and I got the biggest chuckle this week from my favorite Jersey girl Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and her fiancé Jionni LaValle, who were spotted carrying around a plastic baby in preparation for their impending parenthood. Then again, Snooki’s had so much plastic surgery, maybe it’s her actual baby.