Biden Takes Ryan to the Jerk Store

October 13, 2012

Multiple Pages
Biden Takes Ryan to the Jerk Store

There is no bigger douchebag in American politics than Joe Biden. There is possibly no bigger douchebag in the solar system. His florid, monster-truck-sized, off-the-charts douchiness was on ample display during Thursday night’s vice-presidential debate.

Biden is a known plagiarist and perennial embarrassment whom Obama tagged for the VP slot even though Biden had once referred to him as “the first mainstream African American…who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” He later assured the American public that Obama “has a big stick.” At a 2008 rally, he told wheelchair-bound Senator Chuck Graham, “Stand up, Chuck, let ‘em see ya.” This summer he told a mostly black audience that Romney wanted to “put y’all back in chains.”

In normal circumstances against a capable opponent, such serial ineptitude and deep-seated character defects would have worked against him. If he had faced an agile, authoritative debater, Biden’s blowtorch hostility and forced, condescending smarm would have been liabilities. But the number-crunching, iron-pumping, bitter-beer-faced Paul Ryan was so exasperatingly ineffectual, Biden’s Douche Factor suddenly transformed into a magic nightstick that worked to his advantage. Ryan acted like a leaky vagina and thus wound up getting thoroughly douched.

“Biden’s style was appalling, but Ryan had no style whatsoever.”

Political debates depend far less on factual accuracy than they do on the combatants’ ability to sway gullible voters. And since both candidates mangled the truth beyond recognition on Thursday, it became a contest of style. Biden’s style was appalling, but Ryan had no style whatsoever.

Despite the fact that he’s 27 years older than Ryan, Biden acted like an infant, maybe even a fetus. He interrupted Ryan 82 times. On 14 occasions he referred to Ryan as “my friend” with a passive-aggressive intonation that suggested “my inferior.” He LOL’d more than a Facebook pajama party of teenage girls. He rolled his eyes, shook his head, smirked, hectored, bullied, feigned incredulity, and forced his laughter, all while flashing his shiny white bioengineered teeth. He dismissed Ryan’s comments as “amazing,” “incredible,” and “malarkey.”

Looking like a bloated stork that was undergoing chemo, the bellicose blowhard was so hostile at times it looked as if he was going to eat Paul Ryan’s head. He was aggressive to the point where he assumed martial arts hand postures. On several occasions he was vein-poppingly angry in a way that suggested he ejaculates blood while sleeping. At times he was even rude toward the debate’s haggard-looking moderator, Martha Raddatz.

If Biden was a Republican, the left-tilting media would never have shut its flapping lips about how he acted like a dreaded and despised ANGRY WHITE MAN, but alas, he’s not a Republican, so this was all depicted as “feisty” and “combative” rather than “hateful” and “repellent.”

To Biden’s credit, he even nailed Ryan on a few factual matters. Although a self-proclaimed Zionist who apparently knows the Secret Jew Hand Gesture, he ably swept aside Ryan’s suggestion that Iran was only a twinkling of an eye away from having fully functional nuclear weapons. When Ryan spoke against Obama’s stimulus, Biden said he had two personal letters Ryan had written him requesting stimulus money. But beyond such aberrations, Biden dominated the debate mainly by acting like an impudent boor.

Ryan’s giant failure was that for someone who aspires to be a heartbeat away from the presidency, he couldn’t even handle a raging buffoon such as Biden. Paul Ryan unmasked himself as someone made of flimsy plywood rather than presidential timber. He simply rolled over like a whipped puppy and allowed Biden to take him straight to the Jerk Store.

Republican spin doctors have attempted to portray Ryan’s abject passivity as coolness under pressure, but it was the coolness of a corpse. He was tentative, cautious, sincere, polite, and earnest, all of which worked against him. He was conciliatory even as Biden kept jabbing him with a pitchfork. As the debate started, he blew a giant opportunity by tiptoeing gingerly around the Benghazi cover-up. He looked even worse when he appeared to suggest that another war in the Middle East might be preferable to allowing Iran’s mullahs to get their mitts on a nuke or two. He sidestepped the moderator’s direct request for him to be specific about how he plans to pay for across-the-board tax cuts. Worst of all, Ryan displayed none of the youthful passion that was expected of him. Instead, Biden was the passionate one, even if it was due to senility rather than youth.

Polls conducted immediately after the debate yielded conflicting results. A CNN survey declared Ryan the winner, 48 percent to 44 percent. CNBC gave it to Ryan by a 20-point margin. But CBS gave it to Biden by 19 points.

Throughout the debate, mention was made of the fact that Biden and Ryan are both Irish Catholics. But while Biden acted like a drunken leprechaun, Ryan behaved like a chastened altar boy. And though Biden’s problem may have been that he acted too Irish, Ryan’s fatal flaw was that he didn’t act nearly Irish enough.


Daily updates with TM’s latest