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Biden Takes Ryan to the Jerk Store

October 13, 2012

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Biden Takes Ryan to the Jerk Store

There is no bigger douchebag in American politics than Joe Biden. There is possibly no bigger douchebag in the solar system. His florid, monster-truck-sized, off-the-charts douchiness was on ample display during Thursday night’s vice-presidential debate.

Biden is a known plagiarist and perennial embarrassment whom Obama tagged for the VP slot even though Biden had once referred to him as “the first mainstream African American…who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” He later assured the American public that Obama “has a big stick.” At a 2008 rally, he told wheelchair-bound Senator Chuck Graham, “Stand up, Chuck, let ‘em see ya.” This summer he told a mostly black audience that Romney wanted to “put y’all back in chains.”

In normal circumstances against a capable opponent, such serial ineptitude and deep-seated character defects would have worked against him. If he had faced an agile, authoritative debater, Biden’s blowtorch hostility and forced, condescending smarm would have been liabilities. But the number-crunching, iron-pumping, bitter-beer-faced Paul Ryan was so exasperatingly ineffectual, Biden’s Douche Factor suddenly transformed into a magic nightstick that worked to his advantage. Ryan acted like a leaky vagina and thus wound up getting thoroughly douched.

“Biden’s style was appalling, but Ryan had no style whatsoever.”

Political debates depend far less on factual accuracy than they do on the combatants’ ability to sway gullible voters. And since both candidates mangled the truth beyond recognition on Thursday, it became a contest of style. Biden’s style was appalling, but Ryan had no style whatsoever.

Despite the fact that he’s 27 years older than Ryan, Biden acted like an infant, maybe even a fetus. He interrupted Ryan 82 times. On 14 occasions he referred to Ryan as “my friend” with a passive-aggressive intonation that suggested “my inferior.” He LOL’d more than a Facebook pajama party of teenage girls. He rolled his eyes, shook his head, smirked, hectored, bullied, feigned incredulity, and forced his laughter, all while flashing his shiny white bioengineered teeth. He dismissed Ryan’s comments as “amazing,” “incredible,” and “malarkey.”

Looking like a bloated stork that was undergoing chemo, the bellicose blowhard was so hostile at times it looked as if he was going to eat Paul Ryan’s head. He was aggressive to the point where he assumed martial arts hand postures. On several occasions he was vein-poppingly angry in a way that suggested he ejaculates blood while sleeping. At times he was even rude toward the debate’s haggard-looking moderator, Martha Raddatz.

If Biden was a Republican, the left-tilting media would never have shut its flapping lips about how he acted like a dreaded and despised ANGRY WHITE MAN, but alas, he’s not a Republican, so this was all depicted as “feisty” and “combative” rather than “hateful” and “repellent.”


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