Apologies Are for Fags

November 10, 2011

Multiple Pages
Apologies Are for Fags

“There’s nothin’ like having a nation of fags looking for you,” joked Eddie Murphy in his 1987 stand-up comedy film Raw. He was referring to a backlash over his previous stand-up film Delirious, which included the lines, “Faggots aren’t allowed to look at my ass while I’m onstage” and “I’m afraid of gay people. Petrified. I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a faggot.”

He was forced to apologize and has since been embraced by the mainstream, but what was the big deal? Did anyone honestly believe Eddie Murphy woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat after graphic nightmares where he’s anally penetrating Mr. T, who then clenches up his butt cheeks and rips Eddie’s dick off?

Murphy had been scheduled to host the Oscars this year to promote his new movie Tower Heist. The film’s director, Brett Ratner, was going to produce the Oscars with Murphy but made the mistake of saying “Rehearsing is for fags” at a recent Q&A in LA. The subsequent uproar forced Ratner to resign his post. In solidarity, Eddie Murphy did the same.

“The bullied have become the bullies.”

Ratner’s resignation was combined with the faggiest apology letter I’ve ever read. The most nauseating line was: “I am grateful to GLAAD for engaging me in a dialogue….” Gag me with a spoon! Can the rest of us get a public apology for that sentence, please? I haven’t heard words like those since college. The insatiable Pink Mafia has decided Ratner’s self-flagellation isn’t cutting it, so beyond the apology and the resignation they are now working with him on “public discussions about LGBT issues.” Personally, I’d rather suck a dick.

I’ve known people who say they have worked with Ratner in the past. They say he is a lecherous pervert who is constantly trying to get fellated. One extra tells me Ratner offered her a promotion if she did the deed. She says she did and got the promotion but couldn’t take advantage of it because she was too hung-over to go to work the next day.

It’s called “Hollywood.” It’s a Sodom and Gomorrah cesspool where everyone knows the deal and shamelessly drops to their knees to milk it for all it’s worth. Who cares?

What bothers me is not Ratner’s horrible personality but the fact that we still have to nail ourselves to a cross every time we make a not-so-great joke. Did Ratner mean, “I fucking hate rehearsals. They’re as disgusting as those despicable faggots you see prancing around town”? No. He meant it as in, “Rehearsals are for pussies.” That’s it. One blogger said without irony that Ratner’s joke was almost as reprehensible as public flatulence: “How about next time he just fart into the mic?” GASP! Can the Poo Community get an apology for such insensitivity? Ratner’s flippant vernacular was a parody of the way we all spoke in eighth grade and the way most of us still speak today—duh! I don’t think I’ve ever entered a bar without saying, “Hey homos” to my friends or at the very least, “Oh, what are you guys doing here? I didn’t know this was a gay bar.” The fact that everyone got their panties in a bunch over it is, well, queer.

Back in the good old days, everyone laughed when Mrs. Jefferson said “nigga, please” and Archie Bunker said England’s “whole society is based on a kind of a fagdom.” We were less uptight thirty-five years ago. What country is this—Iran?

I want to remain fair and balanced, and since I don’t know what it’s like to take a dick in the butt, I contacted every homo in my address book to get their take. It’s a great way to sneak the requisite “some of my best friends are gay” line into this article. I live in New York City, so swinging a cat usually generates about a dozen fairies. The vast majority of them agreed with me. John, a thirty-something clothing retailer originally from the Midwest, said, “I think it’s really fucking gay. I was surprised sites like dlisted.com, whose opinions and humor I usually appreciate, gave a fuck.” Canadian film director Bruce LaBruce said, “I’ve always found GLAAD to be a quasi-Stalinist group of word, image, and thought police. Forcing someone to apologize doesn’t make sense if they don’t mean it. Policing words just makes GLAAD stronger and ultimately makes these words more powerful. They’re turning the ‘F’ word into the ‘N’ word, but ultimately it’s just censorship. These days I feel like I can’t even say the ‘F’ word myself online, and I’m one of the biggest ‘F’s on the planet!” Bruce added that Ratner should be forced to stop directing movies, but only because they suck.

I had to go all the way to Britain to find a homo who stood by Ratner’s “decision.” A forty-something graphic designer named Jason said that the word fag “still stings” and takes him back to his London youth when tolerance was much rarer. “You wouldn’t talk like that at a board meeting,” he said. I pointed out that it wasn’t a board meeting but a late-night Q&A after a comedy movie, but Jason wasn’t having it. He did admit comedy specials are off-limits, though: “Those are clearly in a joke setting and you get what you pay for.” He refused to allow the Q&A to fall within “joke setting” and added, “Fuck him. He got what he deserved.”

So out of the 11 fudge-packers I spoke to, nine disagreed with GLAAD, one agreed, and one made no sense—actor and comedian John Roberts, who said, “It’s totally OK to use the term ‘fag’ but only if you are ‘a gay’ or surrounded by your closest homophobic friends who can take on the angry group of bears that will hold you down and fuck your face after you say it.”

I honestly can’t think of any joke or even publicly spoken thought that should be banned or censored. I certainly can’t think of one that should require a letter of apology or a symbolic resignation. If someone insults you, insult them back. Are you so devoid of wit that you need to run in the other direction and report the person when someone offends you? The bullied have become the bullies. GLAAD’s actions imply gays are these hard-done-by minorities who need protection, but they’re obviously powerful enough to make one of Hollywood’s biggest producers prostate prostrate himself in front of them and beg for his career back. If you’re not “afraid of gay people” or at least recognize you’re going to have to please a hell of a lot of them to make it in Hollywood, you’re not going to make it in Hollywood.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, and there’s nothing wrong with being gay. I’d way rather have a gay son with balls than a straight son who’s a pussy. However, tarring and feathering everyone who uses silly slang in an unimaginative joke and making them write these pathetic mea culpas is more than cringeworthy. It’s downright offensive.


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