Cultural Caviar

All the Fine Young (and Ugly Old) Cannibals

June 05, 2012

Multiple Pages
All the Fine Young (and Ugly Old) Cannibals

The nightly sex-and-drug-advice radio show Loveline  used to feature a number of “games” that fans still recall with cultish affection.

One was “Germany or Florida?” After cohost Adam Carolla observed that all weird stories seemed to come out of either Germany or Florida, callers challenged the hosts to guess the dateline of the day’s freakiest crime reports—stories usually involving bestiality, comical attempts to get stoned on unlikely substances, long-term basement confinement, crazy old people, and/or unappealing public nudity.

So when I heard the announcer on my TV say something last week about “a naked man eating another naked man’s face off,” I reflexively yelled, “Florida!” then congratulated myself when his sentence ended, “today in Miami.”

According to one site, Florida had also witnessed other “zombie-type happenings” last month.

I didn’t start to panic until the zombie apocalypse started spreading beyond the reliably batshit Sunshine State—especially when the next cannibal sighting occurred a little too close to home.

By now you’ve likely heard way too much about Luka Magnotta, the bleached-blond “gay porn star” and known crazy person from Montreal. He’s accused of killing a Chinese exchange student with an ice pick, posting a video of the murder online, eating parts of his victim, mailing other bits to Canada’s political parties, and then going on the run with Interpol in hot pursuit.

“Who knew the cannibal community was such a rainbow of diversity?”

The juiciest tidbit (later revealed to be false) about our terrible twink concerned Magnotta’s rumored relationship with Karla Homolka. Canada’s most hated woman, Homolka helped her husband Paul Bernardo rape and kill her own sister, along with two (that we know of) schoolgirls.

On my blog, I quipped, “Now THAT’S a Gay-Straight Alliance!”—riffing on the government’s insistence that Catholic schools (not just “public” ones) host “anti-bullying” GSA social clubs for homo and hetero students.

I added, “Don’t tell me: Magnotta was ‘bullied’ as a kid, right?”

Right. The next day, Toronto’s NewsTalk 1010 reported, “Childhood acquaintances of Magnotta reveal details of his upbringing”:

“He spoke with a very soft voice, he had his hair slicked back, he wore a lot of gold rings on his fingers and he was just different,” describes a former classmate. “Kids being kids, he was picked on a little bit and made fun of….”

Great. Any hopes that Catholic schools had of being exempted from this latest example of faddish social-engineering faggotry just went down the drain, along with the blood of Magnotta’s victim.

First we were told that Gay-Straight Alliances would prevent “another Matthew Shepard.” Now we’ll ostensibly need them to keep the next John Wayne Gacy from stuffing kids in his crawlspace.

I can hear the cries now: “If only Luka’s school had an anti-bullying program,” except that argument might draw too much attention to how many notorious murderers have been gay. Who were lovers Leopold and Loeb except schoolyard bullies to the nth degree?

Sure enough, one wag is trying to popularize a Photoshopped image of gay serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer sporting “hipster” spectacles and declaring, “I ATE PEOPLE BEFORE IT WAS COOL.”

Speaking of famous homicidal homos, I predict that an enterprising gay porn producer will shortly release a Luka Magnotta rip-off quickie flick called Manhunt.

(Think I’m too twisted? Check out these gay-made porno epics that were “inspired” by gay serial killer Andrew Cunanan.)

Unfortunately, Canadian media’s wall-to-wall Magnotta coverage has featured plenty of “criminal profilers” whose insights into “the mind of a serial killer” always sound about as original and profound as a pageant contestant’s prescription for world peace. (I’m normally bored by Malcolm Gladwell, but his debunking of “criminal profiling” as glorified table magic was damn convincing.)

So we’ve been gravely informed that Magnotta is a “narcissist” (gay) who “can’t develop healthy relationships” (gay) and “lives in a fantasy world” (gay). I was a resident of Toronto’s Boystown for a dozen years and own a boxed set of Cracker. Where’s my Ph.D.?

If these “experts” can air their theories, so can I:

Magnotta killed and ate that Chinese guy as revenge for the Chinese guy who killed and ate a white Canadian in 2008.

(The only difference is, Magnotta was hungry again an hour later.)

Speaking of “Chinese” and “food,” Ottawa’s ChiCom Embassy had the nerve to issue a travel advisory warning citizens to “strengthen their personal security” when visiting Canada in the wake of Magnotta’s cannibal crime spree. This from the same people who chow down on Chow dogs—and, according to the latest reports, have a man-eating problem of their own.

So, it would seem, does the rest of the planet.

According to the New York Times Magazine, “People Eat Other People on a Pretty Regular Basis.” The article helpfully rounds up recent news stories of cannibalism out of Switzerland, Brazil, the UK, Russia, and even Indiana.

Photos of the accused—drifters and politicians of varying ages and hues—reveal that the one thing all these cannibals have in common, besides being male, is absolutely nothing.

Who knew the cannibal community was such a rainbow of diversity? You’d never expect such retrograde folks to be so progressive. They really do have something to teach us. Maybe they’re just…misunderstood.

Can “Zombie-Human Alliances” at your kid’s school be far behind?


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