Taki's Mag

Donald Trump

Welcome to Taki’s Mag, all you do-gooders who’ve discovered us this past week! It’s a big world, and there are people to save and hands to hold everywhere! Let us help all of you help everyone else! It’ll be like one big H-bomb of humans helping other humans. And then, after you’ve done good, comes the most important part—bragging about it to impress people.

If you do-gooding hordes need a new cause to champion, maybe you can help to save the Wayuu Indians from…themselves. These folks from the Colombian desert are one of only a few American tribes who have managed to resist European dominance. Now that a 10-year-old Colombian Wayuu girl gave birth to a baby girl, will she need saving from her own culture? Unfortunately, some misdirected do-gooder will have trouble intervening since the tribe has its own jurisdiction. But don’t fret; you can still go down there and do good by buying some of their beautiful bags and selling them for three times the price at Fred Segal.

If Colombia is too far for you, don’t despair, dear do-gooders: Britney Spears could always use another conservator, or maybe two is enough now that her father and her fiancé are helping Britney manage her finances after what now seems like a lifelong meltdown. Melissa Etheridge‘s ex Tammy Lynn Michaels still can’t manage on her own with $23,000 a month, so your services might be needed there. You’ll have to be able to keep her in the style to which she has become accustomed, so poor bleeding hearts need not apply.

If that’s not your bag or your bank, Lil Wayne and his pals might need a hand with the paparazzi down in Florida. On second thought, I think Lil Wayne can handle it himself even though he’s, well, little. This guy is the bee’s knees. I’m not much into rap these days, but there aren’t many bona-fide rock stars out there, and Wayne has the charisma and the chutzpah.

If you’re more of a Park Avenue do-gooder, Mike Wallace might need a hand. On second thought, that won’t work. Rest in peace, Mike. You’ll be missed. The infinitely wise ancient Greeks said we must not speak ill of the dead, so we shan’t.

Whitney Houston’s autopsy report was released late last week, and—surprise, surprise!—she wasn’t clean and sober before she died. Yup, the Whitster was still sniffing the snuff. No surprise there really, but the cocktail was surprisingly impressive. In addition to the cocaine, Houston had weed, Xanax, Flexeril, and Benadryl in her system. Oh, and a little champagne to wash it all down. It was recently revealed that her only daughter, Bobbi Kristina, wants to play her mother in a biopic on the singer’s life. Let us hope Miss Brown isn’t a method actress.

This week in Chicago the adorable American Idol alum Jennifer Hudson is set to attend the murder trial of a man accused of killing three of her family members. I might even hold Jennifer’s hand myself since this story breaks my heart so much. What this poor girl has been through goes to show that life isn’t only unfair to the poor and talentless.

If that isn’t the sort of do-gooding you’re into, how about helping Bob Weinstein handle his supposedly alcoholic wife? Apparently the couple are separating and she is seeking a restraining order against him, alleging abuse. We wouldn’t be surprised if the dude is violent given all the rumors that circulate about his brother Harvey’s horrible temper and widely abusive attitude. Maybe you could do a good deed and get the scoop for us. You’ll get lots of brownie points, I promise.

Two of the most annoying people in Hollywood are rumored to be dating. Do some good and turn Kim Kardashian and Kanye West into wax figures like Madame Tussaud’s has done with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge in London. Doesn’t this girl date anyone without a “K” in their name?

Lazy? Hell, you could just do some good and buy Madonna’s new album MDNA off the Internet. Apparently it is the biggest and quickest fall in opening history.

Are you more of the hands-on type? The TSA could use some assistance. While you’re at it, Jim Belushi might need someone to hold his roach clip. The actor was recently caught with a joint in his pocket at Martha’s Vineyard Airport. We are happy to hear he was let go but not so happy the doob was confiscated. You know those notoriously unprofessional TSA agents probably smoked it up on their lunch break.

NBC fired the unnamed producer who doctored George Zimmerman’s 911 call in order to make it sound more “racist”—and who drastically inflamed American racial tensions by doing so. Thanks for nothing, whatever your name is—you turned this whole Trayvon mess into such a fiasco, even Al Sharpton abandoned Trayvon for Easter. I’m so sick of this whole race-baiting business. Where is The Donald when you need him? Don, please, please tell these fools that their Word of the Day has officially lost its meaning and that “racists” don’t live here anymore.