When a child is having a temper tantrum, you have to be very careful what you say. Even a gently concerned “What’s wrong?” can send them on a whole new tirade. The same goes with discussing abortion. If you approach a so-called “feminist” and calmly raise the topic they will yell, “I don’t believe for one second that you think a woman doesn’t have the rights to her own body!” Then they will cover their ears and storm out of the room. To them, there is nothing to discuss. Case closed. Period. End of discussion. Been there, done that. Discussing abortion is soooooo 90s!
So let’s tippy-toe lightly and take some baby steps toward this delicate subject and at least get these colicky infants to acknowledge one or two things about the subject that don’t include being raped and impregnated by your father.
1. IT’S ILLEGAL TO KILL A BABY
Can we all agree it should be illegal to let a baby starve once it’s outside the womb? OK, now that’s settled, how far back can we go? How about two months after conception? A two-month-old fetus is about an inch tall. Can we call that a human? Even if we dropped all questions about life before this point, starting the abortion debate here would be a huge step for mankind. Coloring the News shows how alarmingly common third-trimester abortions are. Is it OK to find those offensive? Most of the people who claim they have no problem with abortion couldn’t stomach to look at the Google Image results for the word, those babies.
2. YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP THE BABY
Abortion? Why not adoption?
3. MEN NEED TO LEARN TO WORK THEIR PENIS
Who are these moronic troglodytes ejaculating into women? Don’t they know how a penis works? Men masturbate daily and know exactly when they’re going to cum. Maybe after seeing a few friends sending child-support payments to a stranger for years, they would think twice about where they shoot their goo.
4. YOU FEEL DIFFERENTLY AFTER YOU SEE ONE COME OUT
I come from a world where abortion is birth control. My friends always bragged about it because they saw it as empowering. However, now that I’m getting older and these young pseudo-feminists have become older moms, preventing a life gets a lot more serious. I’m reminded of a friend of my wife’s who had two abortions in her youth. She has two kids now and says she doesn’t want another one. I asked her what she’d do if she got pregnant again and she said, “Probably lie on the floor and cry for three days.” In other words, she’d keep it. Once you see what they do after they come out, everything changes.
5. FREAKONOMICS WAS WRONG
Freakonomics noted that the crime rates plummeted after Roe v. Wade was passed and falsely inferred that correlation implies causation. I can smell the left’s latent classism where they don’t only want less people in the world, they want less of a certain kind of person. Most of the people I talk to look upon abortion as a real rain that’s “washing all the scum off the streets.” The important thing about Freakonomics’ abortion/crime theory is that it is completely false. They also left out the the fact that the nation’s jail and prison population balloned about tenfold since Roe v. Wade passed. That may have correlated with a drop in crime rates.
6. WHAT’S MORE POLITICALLY INCORRECT THAN KILLING RETARDS?
Liberals hate the word “retard,” but abortion-happy liberals kill retarded fetuses! Whether you are for or against aborting fetuses that are likely to have Down syndrome, can we agree you’re not allowed to wax sanctimonious about a class of people you are trying to exterminate?
7. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET PREGNANT, TRY BIRTH CONTROL
Working a condom is child’s play and getting prescription birth control is even easier. Let’s stop pretending it’s so hard not to get pregnant. I’ve slept with about 300 women in my lifetime—not that I’m boasting or want to call your attention to this fact, but if you want to know the truth, that estimate may even be low—but the only time I got a woman pregnant, it was intentional. Why are we still debating second-trimester abortion? She didn’t notice she missed two periods? The fact that a woman’s body makes a fresh baby house every 28 days for her entire adult life is a miracle. How did we get to a point where women don’t even notice when Aunt Flo stops visiting? Would it be OK to ban abortion entirely if there was a morning-after pill? If some moron accidentally cums in you, pop the pill and suffer through the five hours of nausea. Period. In other words, you’ll get your period.
8. MANY CHILDLESS WOMEN ARE UNHAPPY
We’re told women don’t need kids to be fulfilled. It’s become a feminist rite de passage to give your uterus the middle finger, but I’ve seen these women over time, and wow, are they miserable. Almost every woman I grew up with focused on her career and happily aborted the idea of having kids but now that they’re 40, they are dumping tens of thousands of dollars trying to turn back the clock with in-vitro fertilization. You can tell me they love their freedom but I can hear them crying to my wife on the phone.
9. FETUSES ARE FEMALE, TOO
If you really want to see a war on women, go to China. Abortion isn’t only legal there, it’s mandatory. Since families are more likely to abort a female, 2020 is going to have 30 million men wandering around wondering what happened to all the chicks. In this situation, feminists are left in the awkward position of saying a practice that wipes out their population is good for their population.
10. MANY WOMEN ARE AGAINST ABORTION
I’m not sure why it’s a given that abortion is feminist. Almost half of American women describe themselves as pro-life. Are they sexist? Most Americans are pro-life and it can’t be as simple as them not wanting women to have rights. The women who call themselves pro-lifers are not fools and they obviously see this issue as much more nuanced than the liberal babies make it out. So let’s stop all the tantrums and start calmly discussing it.
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