Bitch

A Sorkin Excuse of a Man

December 15, 2010

Multiple Pages
A Sorkin Excuse of a Man

I read an article the other day in The Huffington Post by Aaron Sorkin, screenwriter of A Few Good Men, The West Wing, Charlie Wilson’s War, and more recently, The Social Network. Sorkin’s piece was highly critical of TV program Sarah Palin’s Alaska, particularly a scene where she killed a caribou. The scene is boring, but you can watch it here if you wish.

On why Palin’s hunting is disgusting, Sorkin starts:

Like 95% of the people I know, I don’t have a visceral (look it up) problem eating meat or wearing a belt. But like absolutely everybody I know, I don’t relish the idea of torturing animals. I don’t enjoy the fact that they’re dead and I certainly don’t want to volunteer to be the one to kill them and if I were picked to be the one to kill them in some kind of Lottery-from-Hell, I wouldn’t do a little dance of joy while I was slicing the animal apart.

First: Yes, only you, Aaron Sorkin, know the definition of the word “visceral.” You are a god amid mortals.

Second: You have no problem eating meat or wearing a belt, but you don’t enjoy the fact that animals had to die because of it? What flawless logic. The very act of enjoying a steak or a belt involves enjoying the fact that an animal has died.

“When was the last time a politician didn’t do something for political gain?”

Third: There is a difference between needlessly torturing an animal and killing one while hunting.

Fourth: You don’t want to volunteer to be the one to kill them, and if you were picked to kill them, you wouldn’t do a little dance of joy while you were slicing the animal apart? OK. No one dances during a field dressing—that would be dangerous. And of course you wouldn’t want to do the killing, you metrosexual piss-poor excuse of a man. You would rather have someone else kill the animal so you could enjoy the fruits of its death.

Sorkin continues:

You weren’t killing that animal for food or shelter or even fashion, you were killing it for fun. You enjoy killing animals. I can make the distinction between the two of us but I’ve tried and tried and for the life of me, I can’t make a distinction between what you get paid to do and what Michael Vick went to prison for doing.

There are millions of people who enjoy killing animals. It’s called “hunting.” It’s clearly not something that Jewish New York screenwriters do with their families. And there is a clear distinction between hunting and what Michael Vick did. One involved torture; the other does not. If you are, however, prepared to equate simply killing an animal with torturing an animal, we are back to the problem of your steak and your belt. You can’t have it both ways.

He goes on:

And you didn’t just do it for fun and you didn’t just do it for money. That was the first moose ever murdered for political gain. You knew there’d be a protest from PETA and you knew that would be an opportunity to hate on some people, you witless bully.

What? Are you serious? An aspiring politician did something for political gain? The sky is also blue. And look, the grass is green. Hot is hot. Cold is cold. And you, Aaron Sorkin, are a sniveling prat. When was the last time a politician didn’t do something for political gain?

In an attempt to nip potential criticism in the bud, Sorkin ends his piece by referring to the fact that he abused cocaine and was arrested for it in 2001. People who hunt for sport—absolutely indefensible. People who snort coke off a leather office chair after dinner at Morton’s—no big deal. What a paradigm of clarity you are, Aaron.

It’s no wonder Aaron Sorkin is so squeamish about hunting. If a little drug bust can make him queasy enough to faint, there is no telling what actually getting his hands dirty would do.

I do not support Palin’s White House aspirations. She lacks major experience (much like the current White House occupant), and I feel that looking “presidential” rarely involves wearing pink ski vests with extra-fuzzy collars to interviews.

But there can only be one proper response to Sorkin’s article from flyover America:

“Hey, Aaron! Go fuck yourself.”

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