A Sober Assessment of Our Prospects for Leadership

January 08, 2008

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On the day of the New Hampshire primary, a quick run down of the remaining candidates in the race, in order of their performance in the Iowa Caucus, according to pop culture references:


Democrats


Uncle Ben: Ethnic, but reassuring. He’s so articulate…. He sets such a good example, Morris. Vote for him, already!


Jack Tripper: Clueless, but the boys at the gym think he’s kind of cute.


Mommie Dearest: She will reduce the incidence of illegitimacy and sexual assault by rendering every man with a TV set impotent—just through that look on her face.


Republicans


Data. Like every Mormon this man believes he will have his own planet someday. What’s scary is that he thinks it will be Earth.


Jack D. Ripper. Wants to keep American troops in Iraq for next billion years, until the bodies of our dead soldiers are turned into still more oil—achieving American energy independence.


Foghorn Leghorn. The only rooster on earth who wakes up at noon. “Gawdammit, where’s my coffee—am I president yet?”


Willie Stark. I’m not left, I’m not right, I’m vertical…see? I’m flyin’ higher than Ross Perot. Every man a king, I’m B.B. King. Look—I’m King of the World! Goo-goo-ga-joob.


George Bailey: You sit around here and you spin your little webs and you think the whole world revolves around you and your money. Well, it doesn’t, Mr. Romney. In the whole vast configuration of things, I’d say you were nothing but a scurvy little spider.


Sonny Corleone. We’re goin’ to the mattresses, Michael. The Arabs? Dead. The Iranians? Dead. Those smarmy little right-to-life sh*theads? Let’s see what they they wake up with on their pillows….”

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