PC World

A Pox on all Your Blankets

November 20, 2012

Multiple Pages
A Pox on all Your Blankets

You know how “If you remember the 60s, you weren’t there”? Here’s mine: “It’s not ‘genocide’ if you’re still here.”

Sorry, disgruntled African Americans. There are exponentially more of you in the United States today than there were when your “genocide” began.

And no, I don’t just mean “in prison.”

And no, I didn’t reach that figure using some right-wing “3/5ths compromise” statistical table magic. Silly rabbit! Those tricks are for libs.

Sorry, too, “Palestinians.” Now entering their—what?—fourth generation as “refugees” (a world-historical record!), “Palestinians” have one other accomplishment to their (made-up) name: They discovered the secret to immortality, albeit through faking their own deaths on video and faking their own lives on paper. And somehow I missed that Hitler Channel special, “Inside the Mansions, Sports Cars, and Shopping Malls of Bergen-Belsen.”

That said, I’m handing the Fake Genocide Death-Time Achievement Award to the Indians or First Nations or whatever they are this week, because as a Canadian, I have to deal with those undead human toothaches more directly and regularly than either of those aforementioned zombie species.

“It’s not ‘genocide’ if you’re still here.”

You try putting up with Chief Big-Screen TV’s semiannual complaints that evil white Canadians won’t toss them an extra zillion dollars to top up the previous bazillion they’ve blown on giant salaries for his fellow chiefs and huffable solvents for their subjects/hostages, all while getting away with murder and assorted mayhem and not paying taxes.

Hell, I’d kill my grandmother to get in on that kind of “genocide.” I’d just get sent to “sentencing circle,” right?

I forgot that you guys have Indians, too—some of them aren’t even fake—until two back-to-back “news” stories gave me a much needed if short-lived post-election jolt of Schadenfreude. (Which in turn reminded me that, alas, those damn smallpox blankets never really existed.)

On November 12, the gals at jezebel.com—whose days are always heavy, from what I can make out—screeched, “Victoria’s Secret’s Racist Garbage Is Just Asking for a Boycott.”

That’s because during the lingerie giant’s recent fashion show, “model Karlie Kloss wore a Native American headdress. Outrage at the offensive costume was immediate. Over the weekend, Victoria’s Secret apologized and said the televised version of the show will not feature the headdress. But the cultural appropriation of Native American regalia continues.”

As does the cultural appropriation of other people’s faux outrage by pale-faced squaws, who need to be reminded (as do most liberals) that boycotts only work if you already buy the product being targeted, and none of these broads would deign to squeeze into a cheap red waspie to turn on their boyfriends.

Now, I carry no water-filled cups for Victoria’s Secret. I buy their stuff because, even with duty, taxes, and shipping, mail-order underwear is still a better deal than having to touch, see, and smell other (alleged) human beings at the mall. I preferred Frederick’s of Hollywood—they’d been around longer and made better quality yet trashier-looking stuff—until they decided, about 10 years ago, to start imitating Victoria’s Secret.

So for my 24 dollars, the meatier story is this one:

The band No Doubt just ditched the video for their new song “Looking Hot” because it featured lead singer Gwen Stefani “dressed as a Native American” and was therefore “racist.”

Before you could say, “And Cher wept,” No Doubt—you’ll never guess—”issued a statement” which I assure you is not an excerpt from a Tom Wolfe novel:

Being hurtful to anyone is simply not who we are. As a multi-racial band our foundation is built upon both diversity and consideration for other cultures. Our intention with our new video was never to offend, hurt or trivialize Native American people, their culture or their history. Although we consulted with Native American friends and Native American studies experts at the University of California, we realize now that we have offended people.

When John Updike wrote his short story “A&P,” No Doubt lead singer and for-some-reason beauty icon Gwen Stefani was the type he had in mind when he penned that immortal line about “the kind of girl other girls think is very ‘striking’ and ‘attractive’ but never quite makes it….”

But that’s not why I hate her or what elevates this particular “racism” “controversy” above Level One, i.e., “Must Be Tuesday.”

It is that almost 20 years ago, one of my favorite performers was called an anti-Native American bigot by a smug, bratty, and even homelier up-and-coming singer named…Gwen Stefani.

Fans of future Radio Hall of Famer Adam Carolla treasure his every four-letter word, and his 1995 “interview” with Stefani and her band—when he asked if Stefani’s boyfriend/guitarist was “an American Indian or a 7/11 Indian,” refused to apologize, then tripled down by calling himself “a guinea, a wop, and a dago”—has retained minor classic status in the Aceman-ishads.

Carolla, with considerable justification, rarely avoids the opportunity to gloat. In the puny wake of Stefani-quiddick, fans switched on his November 6 podcast eager to hear their hero take a long-time-coming audio bow. But the best reaction came from one of Carolla’s guests after they’d watched the “controversial” music video and hashed out the details.

On the show to promote his new album, “a tribute to the great black songwriters of the 20s, 30s and 40s,” gravelly-voiced old white singer Billy Vera said, “I’ve got a little Cherokee in me, and I could give a fuck.”


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