How-To

A Man’s Place and a Woman’s Role

July 04, 2014

Multiple Pages
A Man’s Place and a Woman’s Role

In New York and LA, tradition is for squares. Unfortunately, these rebels rarely come up with anything better. If you want to reinvent the wheel and design a whole new way to live an adult life, go bananas. Nobody gives a shit. If, however, you don’t have a smarter plan, here’s what’s been working for generations.

A man sows his wild oats, and shortly after turning 30 he settles down and marries a woman. She then bears children. A woman also has a wild phase but realizes her ovaries have a “best before” date and starts to weed out the losers in her mid-twenties.

A man provides food and shelter for his family. A woman makes the babies and maintains the household. I don’t understand why a woman would have to work. You’re already paying rent and buying groceries. Why is it so much more expensive to have a roommate? You sleep in the same bed. Kids are virtually free, too. Public schools abound, food is cheap, and hand-me-downs are everywhere.

A woman gets up with the kids, prepares their lunches, and makes them breakfast. A man can lie in a little bit longer because he has to be alert to make money. Morning is a woman’s time to shine. Men must shine later in the afternoon.

“A woman kisses the children good night every night and a man provides his children with a ‘force field’ that protects them from monsters and bad dreams. This is done by waving his hands over their bodies and making a sound that resembles a lightsaber.”

A man takes the kids to school and kisses them goodbye. If a woman wants to nap after the kids leave, that’s nobody’s business. She can sip margs and watch Real Housewives for all we care.

All day a man has to be thinking, “Is what I’m doing right now providing income?” Within reasonable ethical boundaries, a man never refuses a job that will increase his family’s wealth.

When the kids come home from school, it’s a woman who nurtures them and deals with micro issues like bullying or the quality of their homework assignments. The man deals with macro problems like what school they go to. If private becomes the only option, it’s the man’s job to provide that. If he can’t afford local private schools, he must move and then commute to work. I know. It sucks.

When a man comes home from work he has to be “on” for the kids. He does not get a moment to relax and read the paper. The second he walks through the door, a woman is relieved of her duties and can go lock herself in her bedroom. She can zone out until dinner.

A woman keeps a clean house and provides a healthy meal for the family that the man has paid for. Once a week, they can order in or go out for dinner. Again, the man pays for absolutely everything. A man tidies up after dinner and sometimes even loads the dishwasher. He rarely does the dishes. The children should do that.

A woman buys the groceries and makes sure the cupboards are stocked. A man unloads them from the car. A man always unloads the car. A man always drives too. If he is exhausted, he grabs a coffee. The only time a man should let a woman drive is if he’s drunk, but a man should never drink if he’s going to be driving the family somewhere that night (men can drive drunk when they’re alone—it’s fun). While driving, a man chooses what to listen to. There is some controversy about this, as women will fiddle with the stations for their own amusement. While the driver always controls the radio if his passenger is male, the rights of a woman to control the radio are still open to debate.

When preparing for a vacation, a woman handles packing for everyone but her husband. A man packs his own bags but he carries everyone else’s. A woman handles buying the plane tickets and choosing the resort. A man makes sure the taxi arrives on time and he times it correctly so they don’t miss their flight.

A man handles all home repairs and improvements. If he is not proficient at this, it’s his job to hire someone to fix it. Even the dishwasher and the dryer are the man’s problems. He must ensure that everything in the house works. A man also keeps an eye on long-term problems with his home, like the foundation. He notices if the porch is shifting and fixes it using a car jack and cement. A man handles everything lawn-related. He makes sure the grass is green with very little clover and no bald patches. A woman tends to the garden and keeps it weeded.

 

Men and women alternate reading the kids stories and putting them to bed. A woman kisses the children good night every night and a man provides his children with a “force field” that protects them from monsters and bad dreams. This is done by waving his hands over their bodies and making a sound that resembles a lightsaber.

When everything is taken care of and the house is quiet, it’s the man who initiates intercourse. A woman usually obliges. If a woman does no cooking or cleaning whatsoever and is not employed, she obliges 100% of the time. Similarly, if it’s the man who cooks the meals, he gets sex whenever he wants. If a woman is conservative in some duties, she should be liberal in others. To the non-married much of this talk will sound like rape. There is no such thing in marriage. It’s more like if your sibling was a vampire. If things got really bad, you’d cut yourself so he could eat.

A man never refuses any kind of intercourse in any capacity whatsoever.

A woman gets a babysitter and initiates date night, unless it has been over two months since the couple went out, at which point the man must step in and arrange a babysitter.

A man buys the Christmas tree, brings it home, and mounts it. He puts the angel on the top but the woman and children decorate the rest of the tree.

A woman tries to stay relatively slim and attractive. Men would do the same if women cared. Men prefer a woman to wear high heels and maintain long hair, but once a woman has borne a man children, everything else is gravy and he has few demands.

Women cry when they hurt themselves. Men swear. Both men and women cry at movies, but women cry when romance goes awry and men cry when the downtrodden band together to overcome adversity (this includes the Christmas spirit scene in Elf and the end of School of Rock).

When there is a bump in the night, a man grabs his baseball bat and goes to investigate, even if he is nude. When a child bumps his head, a woman makes him feel better. A man decides which accidents mean we have to go to the hospital.

A woman chooses the doctor and makes sure the children get their shots and regular checkups. A man handles his own medical affairs.

A woman organizes the birthday parties. A man cleans them up by putting everything in a heavy-duty contractor bag. Men don’t recycle.

On Saturdays a man can sleep in as late as he wants. The kids will watch cartoons. On Sundays, it’s a woman’s turn to sleep in. The man makes breakfast on this day, ideally pancakes. Saturdays are called “Cartoon Morning.” Sundays are called “Pancake Morning.” 

If you tweak this formula in one direction, you have to balance it out in another. Stay-at-home dads receive no fellatio. Working moms don’t have to cook. Changing the formula is messy business and I don’t know why you’d want to mess with it. Tradition is the result of trial and error, so err on the side of caution and give it a try.

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