A Presidential Debate That Will Never Happen

October 01, 2012

Multiple Pages
A Presidential Debate That Will Never Happen

Good evening, Mr. Obama and Mr. Romney. I’ll be your moderator tonight. I hope our audience welcomes you with as much warmth as they can manage.

Before I proceed with my questions, you should know a few things about me. I didn’t vote in 2008. I didn’t vote for my current congressman, my current governor, or my current president. In fact, I’ve never voted for any candidate—ever—who won.

And I don’t plan on voting next month. The state I live in will go for Romney, and the county where I live will elect anything that’s black and Democratic, so my ballot won’t make a difference either way. I’m pretty much silenced in the political process.

I realize you feel that it’s within your power to grant me some illusory “right” to complain about all this, but I could bitch until the bloodhounds start barking and it won’t make a dent in the machine that supports both of you.

No one I know—no one—says they feel hopeful about the future. If you’ve taught the American public anything, it’s how to accept feeling powerless without completely losing our minds. I feel as if your entire system depends on a toxic mix of the electorate’s apathy and learned helplessness. And at times I almost feel as if you delight in rubbing our noses in our despair.

Sure, there are many who feel hopeful, but I think all three of us can agree that they’re naïve.

“Good evening, Mr. Obama and Mr. Romney. I’ll be your sole interrogator tonight.”

In politics one ascends to higher office by climbing a golden ladder of lies and evasion, and you two are currently competing for the top rung.

Mr. Obama, you have broken many promises. Mr. Romney, your actions—and even your face itself—reveal someone who lacks an ideological core. So because I don’t trust either one of you, I’ve had you injected with what are deemed to be the most currently reliable truth drugs. You’ve also been wired to polygraph machines and have been given the hand-held lie detectors currently used by the US military. We all know these methods aren’t 100% foolproof, but they may serve as deterrents.

Now for my questions.

The first subject is foreign policy. Islamic terrorism has cost a few thousand American lives over the past dozen years, but ironically not as many American lives as have been lost in our endless wars of retaliation. How would you justify that? Moreover, how does a global network of overseas military bases “defend” us rather than create a worldwide impression that we’re the aggressors? Why does the US seem highly selective when it comes to which corrupt dictatorships they subvert and overthrow? If you’re honestly concerned with national security, why isn’t there a 100-foot wall along our Mexican border and 100,000 armed agents ready to defend it?

There’s been a lot of noise lately about whether or not Iran is developing atomic weapons. But why is there almost total silence regarding whether Israel already has hundreds of atomic weapons? Finally, what does the average American get for supporting Israel beyond death (via terrorism) and taxes (via perpetual wars of conquest)?

Now let’s deal with matters closer to home. If there’s any wealth redistribution to be done, wouldn’t it benefit society more to set up a meritocratic system that subsidizes people with demonstrated potential rather than trying to prop up and placate those who may simply be stupid and lazy? Would you support financial incentives for high-IQ couples to procreate? If not, why not?

If you favor gun control, do you also favor disarming the American military and all law-enforcement agents? If not, why should we get rid of our guns?

If you insist we have government-sponsored healthcare, would you endorse a system that penalizes lapses of personal responsibility such as people who eat like pigs or who smoke and drink too much? If not, why should people who take care of themselves be forced to carry the burden for the slobs who don’t?

Oh, about that social diversity that we’re constantly told enriches us—can you point to a multicultural and multilingual nation in world history that survived and prospered rather than fractured and imploded? How do you propose to unify a country while cramming diversity down its mouth? If you’d honestly like us to believe that everyone’s the same, could you please point to any peer-reviewed studies that demonstrate physical and cognitive equality among groups of different continental origins? If you refuse to abolish the notion of “hate crimes” altogether, would you at least agree to apply standards equally, despite the respective races, genders, and sexual orientations of the perpetrators and victims?

Mr. Obama, don’t you feel as if the fact that your own aunt and uncle have brazenly flouted immigration laws is a slap in the face of everyone who’s attempted to legally gain citizenship? And why have both parties refused to enforce federal immigration laws? Why do either of you pretend to care about America’s working and middle classes while you penalize them with taxes to support millions of “undocumented workers” who drain social services, suppress wages, and often display a pesky refusal to ever assimilate?

This nation’s public schools were once the best in the world and are now the world’s laughingstock. If we must have public education, when are you going to drop the feel-goody social justice Cultural Marxist kiddie brainwashing bullshit and focus on verbal, math, and logical skills?

Now for the economy.

How do you justify the fact that the American dollar is now worth only four percent of what it was in 1913? Do you honestly feel that further “quantitative easing” will benefit poor and middle-class Americans? Would it actually benefit anyone except the Federal Reserve? Would you support an independent audit of the Fed? What about a repeal of the Federal Reserve Act itself?

The public debt is currently over $16 trillion, which is roughly triple what it was only a dozen years ago. How do you propose to keep this under control without massive austerity programs or squashing us all under a new totalitarian police state? If you sincerely care about American families, workers, and businesses, why wouldn’t you raise huge tariffs on imports and repeal NAFTA?

I’d like to address the role of government itself.

How can you possibly justify the National Defense Authorization Act, which permits the infinite detention of American citizens without trial? Why are you afraid to reveal—down to the penny—how you spend the tens of billions you soak from us yearly for the CIA, FBI, NSA, and sundry undercover “black budget” operations? With decades of evidence that the federal government routinely lies to its citizens, why should we trust you about drone surveillance? Why should we trust you about anything?

Finally, I’d like to ask you about creeping globalization and the gradual erosion of national sovereignty. Would you support an immediate withdrawal from the United Nations? Specifically, would you resist the UN’s efforts to impose global taxes of any kind?

If not, why should I remove your handcuffs and untie you from your chairs?


Daily updates with TM’s latest