Looking Back

2013: The Most Racist Year Ever

January 03, 2014

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2013: The Most Racist Year Ever

Experts agree that 2013 was the most racist year since the one that started the Civil War. Everywhere you looked someone or something was being racist, even asparagus. Most of these ten commercials were from 2013, and they were all racist, including the one made by a black guy. It’s racist to criticize the president, so in a year where his approval sank to an all-time low, it’s clear our prejudice has climbed to an all-time high. (It has nothing to do with the part where he lied about Obamacare and spent more time building a defective website than Roosevelt spent defeating the Nazis.) Here are 20 more racist things that prove 2013 was nothing more than a giant Klan rally.


1. THE WORD “OBAMACARE”
I don’t care if Obama himself calls it Obamacare. It’s a word used by white men when they’re criticizing a black president; ergo, it’s racist. “Ergo” is also racist because it sort of sounds like “Negro.”

2. THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Even though he lives in DC, one word Obama does not use is “Redskins,” and he told the team they should consider a change. Referring to Indians in any way is likely racist, and drawing a cartoon of one is even worse than drawing a cartoon of Muhammad.

3. SAYING SANTA IS WHITE
This is racist not because he’s white but because he doesn’t exist or something.

“When everything is racist, nothing is. Isn’t that the end of racism?”

4. DUCK DYNASTY
This show is racist because it features rednecks and a lot of them are racist. I mean, look at them. They look the way the guys in those KKK robes probably look when they’re not wearing their robes and hunting for blacks. The show’s dad Phil Robertson recently relayed his experience working with blacks picking cotton, and he said the ones he met seemed perfectly happy. This is tantamount to saying slavery didn’t happen. What’s next, letting people play their guitars in a place where slaves once were? To make matters worse, the Robertson family was recently discovered to have a lot in common with the cops who sodomized Abner Louima.

5. THE SECOND AMENDMENT
Basically, any laws that don’t restrict guns are racist. The Trayvon verdict taught us that Stand Your Ground laws are really just a license to randomly shoot black kids. The fact that 93% of black murder victims were killed by other blacks (often with an illegal gun) is a hatefact, and hate is not to be tolerated in any form.  

6. THE TEA PARTY
First they may have said nigger and now they’re secretly thinking it? What is it going to take to shut them up? Though there is no evidence the Tea Party is racist, it’s obvious to anyone with a brain that their brains are.

7. VOTER REGISTRATION
Asking voters to have a reasonable amount of ID wasn’t always insane. Back when George W. Bush won, voter fraud was rampant. However, when Obama was running, voter fraud didn’t exist. Trying to enforce any kind of standards is ultimately attacking blacks who can’t be bothered with standards. It’s a trick Republicans do to prevent Democrats from voting. Of course, if it looks like a Republican candidate is doing well in 2016, voter fraud may become an issue again and we will have to start regulating elections more strictly.

8. STOP AND FRISK
Laws that have police asking black people questions are racist. This is true even if they stop whites at a rate disproportionately higher than the quotient of whites who are murder suspects, and it’s also true if this procedure saves lives. Why, it’s even racist if it saves black lives and makes black neighborhoods safer. The point is, anything that annoys one black person is wrong, even if he was annoying tons and tons of black people.

9. ENFORCING IMMIGRATION
There are few things more racist than calling illegal aliens illegal. Being a person can’t be illegal. The only thing worse than using this Mexican N-word is suggesting they reverse their crime and return home. Actually, it’s more than racist. It’s “horrific.”

10. CHRIS CHRISTIE
While pushing for a school voucher program that would help black kids get into private schools, Christie said discrimination is bad and added that he’s sad an “African-American female speaker of the Assembly” is blocking the bill. Forget the discrimination part and the part about the voucher helping poor black kids. Focus on the part where he noticed a woman is black. OK, now become “appalled.”


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