“White People Problems” is a loaded term that combines a facetious reference to white privilege with the accusation that we’re all pampered ingrates. Never mind that about half of America’s poor are white. Well, I’m not even remotely poor but I am white and I have problems, too. I’m overweight. I drink too much and like all white people, I’m constantly outraged. Seeing a school bus go through a red light or catching someone not picking up their dog shit can ruin my whole day. I actually have a lot of white people problems. For example…
1. I CAN’T GET MY GOLF SWING STRAIGHT
I have no problem hitting a ball 200 yards, but it always veers to the right at the last second. This means I’m in the trees every second hole and spend half my game trying to find the ball. I’ve tried correcting it with different stances, but a curve is a curve and the only thing that seems to straighten it is switching to one of those gigantic women’s drivers that looks like a salad bowl. It feels like cheating to use a club like that and I can’t enjoy my game if I feel like I’m cheating.
2. TURKEYS ARE DESTROYING MY LAWN
I hate these fuckers with a passion and every Thanksgiving I give thanks we’re about to eat a dead one. Turkeys get into my beautifully manicured lawn and uproot big clumps looking for grubs until it looks like I’ve been practicing my terrible swing all over it. I’m hoping a few months of snow will even it out, but I have a bad feeling I’m going to spend the majority of the spring patching holes again.
3. I FIND RAP MUSIC OFFENSIVE
My generation grew up with lyrics such as, “The peas are mushed/And the chicken tastes like wood,” but I just put on the new DJ Khaled and there’s an African American gentleman on there claiming, “It’s like a full-time job not to kill niggas.” Really? What’s your business card say—“Not a Killa of Niggas?” This is a surprisingly common sentiment among modern rappers, but with 93% of blacks killed by other blacks, it appears there are still a lot of openings. I think I’ll avoid explaining all this to the kids and put on some Jason Aldean instead.
4. THESE MONTHLY COSTS ARE KILLING ME
Being gainfully employed since I was 14 means I have accrued some cool stuff over the years, but these bills are killing me. I’ve got the maintenance fees at our Brooklyn apartment, plus all the bills maintaining our country house upstate, then there’s the caretaker at our place in Costa Rica, as well as life insurance, car insurance, E-ZPass, parking, the kids’ schools, the family health plan, the kids’ college fund, lawyers, brokers, cable, gas, nannies, babysitters, maids, groceries, taxes, charity….Nearly all of my substantial yearly income goes to outstretched palms, but the government has determined this doesn’t trickle down enough, so they hit me with a tax bill every year that would make your hair turn white. It’s like a full-time job just paying these bills.
5. BEING AN ENTREPRENEUR IS STRESSFUL
Running startups is fun because you get to call the shots and create something from scratch. You feel like you’re part of the American dream when you create jobs and build a business, but there are about a dozen failures behind each success and having employees is like having kids. You need to keep a roof over their heads and that means you’re never off the clock. If a client wants to be entertained after a 16-hour shoot, you had better take him out and you had better be entertaining. If his jokes aren’t funny you have to fake-smile and by the end of the night, your cheeks feel like they’re being murdered.
6. THERE ARE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN EVERYWHERE
Living in New York City is like getting slapped in the face by your own erection every five minutes. Can we get some sharia law up in this bitch? I’d rather see burqas all day than have to stare at women who look like they’re walking down the runway in a ZZ Top video. I can’t even fantasize about them because infidelity would ruin my marriage and hence my kids’ lives, so I have to imagine my family doesn’t exist. Then I’m just sad.
7. MY KID’S TEACHER SAID “LIKE”
Private schools cost a fortune in New York but the public schools are so terrible, the supply still can’t meet the demand. Once you’re finally afforded the opportunity to pay through the nose just so your kid doesn’t spend all day fighting Puerto Ricans, you’re still stuck with a teacher that says your boy’s progress is “Like, really amazing.” OMG. My father’s generation learned Latin for free. Today it costs tens of thousands of dollars to teach your kid to talk like a babysitter.
8. I HAVE TO GO THE BEACH
You’d think being dragged to Saltaire every summer would be enough but nooo, my wife has to haul the whole family to the Caribbean every winter. Who came up with the idea that beaches are fun? You stand in an outdoor oven until your skin feels like it’s going to burst into flames, and the only respite is a body of water that’s either bashing you in the head or pulling you out to sea. You can’t even swim in it. All you can do is bob there, soothing your sunburn while avoiding the next wave. God already made a beach for white people. It’s called a “lake.”
9. I CAN’T DRILL THROUGH THIS TREE
I want to build a tree house for the kids but instead of using lag bolts or carriage bolts, I want to go with this Garnier Limb everyone’s talking about. The problem is you have to drill right through the tree to make it work and the only drill bits I can find to go that deep are for cement. That means they’re dull as shit and it can take all day just to get through. Doing the job right and building something that lasts is a real pain in the ass.
10. I’M RACIST
I didn’t think I was. My goal when hiring someone is getting the most qualified person for the job. When choosing friends I gravitate toward those with the same interests as me, but because my personal world doesn’t perfectly mirror the demographics in which I live, I’m racist. Black women can set up dating sites searching for white men because they “deserve better.” Gays can dominate elections and even go on smear campaigns with impunity. Hispanics can create a government-funded, pro-illegal organization called “The Race.” But because these groups aren’t winning, only they can complain. Winners can’t complain. They can’t even complain that they’re not allowed to complain. I think that’s racist, too. The population stats say we’ll get to be on the losing team in about 40 years, but I’ll be too dead to complain by then.
Oh well, as Elmer Fudd once said, “I don’t weally like complaining anyway. It doesn’t feel white.”
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