“White People Problems” is a loaded term that combines a facetious reference to white privilege with the accusation that we’re all pampered ingrates. Never mind that about half of America’s poor are white. Well, I’m not even remotely poor but I am white and I have problems, too. I’m overweight. I drink too much and like all white people, I’m constantly outraged. Seeing a school bus go through a red light or catching someone not picking up their dog shit can ruin my whole day. I actually have a lot of white people problems. For example…
1. I CAN’T GET MY GOLF SWING STRAIGHT
I have no problem hitting a ball 200 yards, but it always veers to the right at the last second. This means I’m in the trees every second hole and spend half my game trying to find the ball. I’ve tried correcting it with different stances, but a curve is a curve and the only thing that seems to straighten it is switching to one of those gigantic women’s drivers that looks like a salad bowl. It feels like cheating to use a club like that and I can’t enjoy my game if I feel like I’m cheating.
2. TURKEYS ARE DESTROYING MY LAWN
I hate these fuckers with a passion and every Thanksgiving I give thanks we’re about to eat a dead one. Turkeys get into my beautifully manicured lawn and uproot big clumps looking for grubs until it looks like I’ve been practicing my terrible swing all over it. I’m hoping a few months of snow will even it out, but I have a bad feeling I’m going to spend the majority of the spring patching holes again.
3. I FIND RAP MUSIC OFFENSIVE
My generation grew up with lyrics such as, “The peas are mushed/And the chicken tastes like wood,” but I just put on the new DJ Khaled and there’s an African American gentleman on there claiming, “It’s like a full-time job not to kill niggas.” Really? What’s your business card say—“Not a Killa of Niggas?” This is a surprisingly common sentiment among modern rappers, but with 93% of blacks killed by other blacks, it appears there are still a lot of openings. I think I’ll avoid explaining all this to the kids and put on some Jason Aldean instead.
4. THESE MONTHLY COSTS ARE KILLING ME
Being gainfully employed since I was 14 means I have accrued some cool stuff over the years, but these bills are killing me. I’ve got the maintenance fees at our Brooklyn apartment, plus all the bills maintaining our country house upstate, then there’s the caretaker at our place in Costa Rica, as well as life insurance, car insurance, E-ZPass, parking, the kids’ schools, the family health plan, the kids’ college fund, lawyers, brokers, cable, gas, nannies, babysitters, maids, groceries, taxes, charity….Nearly all of my substantial yearly income goes to outstretched palms, but the government has determined this doesn’t trickle down enough, so they hit me with a tax bill every year that would make your hair turn white. It’s like a full-time job just paying these bills.
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