Liberals are not idiots. They’re just like you were when you first moved out of your parents’ house. It’s like their research is cryogenically frozen right before Google was invented. However, unlike extremist Muslims and Hasidic Jews, some of the things they believe are actually correct.
1. AMERICAN FOOD PORTIONS ARE TOO LARGE
Have you ever ordered a burrito at Chipotle? It’s a football. Two-thirds in, and you feel like De Niro trying to fatten himself up for the final scene in Raging Bull. I moved to this country 13 years ago and have never been able to finish 100% of an appetizer and a main course. Libertarians say it’s up to us how much we eat, but it’s not good for morale to throw platefuls of food into the garbage again and again. The obesity epidemic also costs all of us a lot of money. I spoke to a surgeon who said fat-related diseases are about to take over Medicare and it would actually be cost-effective for the government to pay for gastric bypasses. I hate Bloomberg’s nanny state and I don’t want anyone to be told how much sugar they can ingest, but I don’t have a solution for the imminent Lard Apocalypse. Do you?
2. CEO SALARIES ARE TOO HIGH
The Freakonomics guys should do some research on what the worker/CEO pay gap does to the economy. It’s not as simple as saying auto workers on $60K a year should get more of the $9 million that the head of GM makes. It’s about the “fuck this” mentality such disparities give the entire working class. You’re more inclined to steal, cheat, and lie when your boss makes 150 times as much as you. I don’t know how we prevent these people from making so much money and I certainly don’t want the government getting involved, but I do know things made a lot more sense in 1980 when CEOs only made 42 times as much as their workers.
3. OBAMACARE IS A GOOD IDEA
As I wrote a couple of weeks ago, the healthcare bill is a well-written piece of legislation that makes perfect sense. We already pay for illegals in emergency rooms, so why not get it on the books? Every civilized country in the Western world has state-sponsored healthcare, so it’s not insane to assume it would work for us. It wouldn’t work for us, but it’s not insane to think it would.
4. WAR IS BAD
Liberals are right to question the more than $700 billion we spend annually on our military. Why do we have 50,000 soldiers in Germany? Let’s get out of Italy, Japan, South Korea, and the entire Middle East. It may pain many neocons to admit it, but Israel doesn’t need our dollars. If a full-scale war breaks out, we can jump in the same way we would if someone invaded Greenland. We shouldn’t pay taxes for elected officials to issue a fatwa on someone else’s teenage son.
5. WOMEN WHO GET PREGNANT FROM A RAPE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO ABORT
Let’s give them this one. If some guy jumps out of an alley and rapes a woman at knifepoint and ejaculates in her and she’s unable to include the morning-after pill in her rape kit and she then gets pregnant from it, she should not be forced to carry that baby to term.
6. GAYS SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET MARRIED
Speaking of something that never happens, how about we let a gay lover visit his dying spouse in the hospital? Dan Savage seems to think this is an epidemic, so let’s cut this situation out of their talking points.
7. BLACKS ARE VICTIMS OF SYSTEMIC RACISM
Though I believe gays are born that way, I also believe blacks are conditioned to commit a disproportionate amount of crimes. It’s true that women are conscious of their purses when they’re in an elevator with a black man. It’s true that police are suspicious of blacks driving through a poor neighborhood in a Cadillac Escalade. It’s true that African Americans mock their peers who read books and try to better themselves. Liberals are right to point all this out, but they’re wrong when they point their finger at us. The group responsible for all this racism is blacks themselves. They’re also responsible for the fact that 93% of black homicide victims were killed by other blacks.
8. BIG BUSINESS HAS TOO MUCH INFLUENCE ON CAPITOL HILL
A liberal friend recently said to me, “The hypocrisy of capitalism is that only 1% of Americans are millionaires but so are 50% of Congressmen,” to which I replied, “That’s the hypocrisy of socialism.” The teachers’ unions have so many lobbyists on both ends of the political spectrum, they reserve the right to let a pedophile hang out with your kid. Just as we’ve separated church and state, we should start trying to keep big business out of government.
9. MACHINE GUNS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL
I don’t know who told gun-control advocates that assault rifles are machine guns, but they’re not. Being able to pull a trigger and have a seemingly infinite amount of bullets come out is so potentially harmful, it outweighs the benefits of Second Amendment freedom. Like allowing abortion in cases of rape, we hereby agree with liberals that citizens shouldn’t own machine guns. But assault rifles—where you need to squeeze the trigger for each bullet—should still be legal. Criminals don’t typically use assault rifles. They’re too hard to conceal. They use handguns. And if some revolver-toting hoodlums ever attack my house, I reserve the right to outgun them. I don’t need a machine gun to do that, but an assault rifle would be perfect.
10. DRUGS SHOULD BE LEGAL
Most liberals lack the balls to go full libertarian and say all drugs should be legal, but they do want pot to be decriminalized and they’re right about that. Almost a quarter of American prisoners are there because of drugs and a ton of them are black. When liberals talk about a war on blacks and focus on drug arrests, they actually sound sane.
Liberals have their hearts in the right place, but their brains are up their asses. Sure, being mean is bad and being nice is good. But when the data contradicts their feelings, they have a meltdown. Guns prevent crime. Logging helps forests. Affirmative action is racist. Illegal immigration doesn’t work and neither does welfare. Public unions are too expensive and the more money we spend on education, the less effect it has.
When I tell liberals cold hard facts that undermine their platitudes, I realize they’ve never researched their beliefs. They don’t know that 10,000 illegals come here every day. They have no idea that barely 10% of whites marry outside of their race. Nobody told them the number of white-on-black rapes is virtually nonexistent.
It’s not hard to find this information, so all I can conclude from their ignorance is that they don’t really care. They like to spout clichés because it makes them feel good about themselves. If there was any substance to what they were saying, they’d know more than the one sentence that just came out of their mouth. To them politics is fashion, and to question them is as pointless as asking them why they wear flip-flops to work.
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