The Untold Story

10 Things I Like About White Guys

March 02, 2017

Multiple Pages
10 Things I Like About White Guys

White men have been getting a bad rap lately. We’re complete idiots in commercials and on TV in general. Other races and genders roll their eyes at us and say things such as “Dear white people” in a tone that implies they’re going to explain this to us one last time. I never really thought of myself as a white male until everyone said it’s a terrible thing to be. After looking it up, turns out we’re pretty great—maybe not “supreme,” but definitely a combination of race and gender you should peep. Here are my 10 favorite things about us.

White guys want to know what you do for a living. They also want to know how that business functions. They’re not trying to gather information or steal it in some kind of long, drawn-out piece of espionage. They’re generally interested in where your company buys the zippers they need to make the camera cases your factory produces. This goes for all classes of white guys. Rich guys want to know how a poor guy’s job works and poor guys are fascinated by how a rich guy’s job goes. Even Trump, I’m told, won’t stop asking his guests questions about their lives.

You know that show How It’s Made? This is what white men watch when there’s nobody around to ask questions to. It’s basically just a long documentary about all the innumerable inventions white men have dreamed up. From how garden hoses are cut to how tractors are built, the show is an amazing example of this strange trait that appears to be unique to white men. I don’t know why we are so good at this. Asians are smarter than us, but they can’t seem to invent shit. Perhaps white men have the exact balance of arrogance and naïveté needed to come up with something as unfathomably weird as electricity.

“While we may have been behind much of the bad in the world, we’re also behind the vast majority of the good.”

If you go to Sundance this year, I highly recommend you rent some skis. Even if you don’t use them, the process is a fascinating example of the incredible systems white men have created. The place can be completely packed but within twenty minutes you’ve: signed a release, had your feet measured, got your boots, been matched up with the appropriate bindings, had them attached to the skis, and paid, all in one long, continuous assembly line.

We’ve done this all over the world and some don’t seem worthy of such gifts. We brought roads and infrastructure to India and they are still using them as toilets. Our criminals built nice roads in Australia but aboriginals keep using them as a bed. The next time someone bitches about colonization, the correct response is “You’re welcome.”

Back at the turn of the century, white men suggested we publicly flog men who beat their wives. The rationale for this was that putting them in jail punishes the woman because now she’s out a breadwinner and that may discourage reporting abuse in the future. Feminists say we need to “teach men not to rape,” but we do. We throw them in jail for 15 years and we’ve been doing so for a very long time.

The narrative is that white men were Nazis and rapists and slave owners, but white men also killed the Nazis, jailed the rapists, and abolished slavery (as Pat Buchanan says, we didn’t start it, we finished it). We have a lot of women here marching for rights they already have and minorities complaining about oppression, but nowhere in the world is there more free speech, gay rights, feminism, and need to embrace diversity than in the West. Personally, I think they’ve gone a little far with it all, and the fact that appeasing these ingrates only makes them complain more makes me think they’re getting a little spoiled. 

Where black people think camping is suicidal and Chinese people cut down trees because they’re bad luck, white men get a sense of euphoria from being in the forest. We like following a creek for miles just to see where it goes and then using a felled tree to cross it like a little hobbit bridge. Only a tiny percentage of hunting is shooting animals. The rest is just sitting perfectly still in a tree and taking it all in. Days after being in the woods, we still feel a euphoric buzz remembering how magnificent it all was.

I’ll never forget the time my dad said, “I could be happy in an abyss. Now…if there was a chair there that would be good, and if there was a six-pack that would be okay, too, but I don’t need those things.” I told him that an abyss is death and he shrugged and said, “You need to release yourself from the fear of it. It’s cathartic.” This is probably why we do so badly in divorces. We can be happy in a studio apartment with a cot and a hot plate. If we can’t have that, drop us off at the edge of the forest with a tent and some hot dogs.

We revere old, established brands like Pendleton, Woolrich, Filson, and Red Wing. The classic Champion T-shirt and white Chuck Taylors are like fine silk to us. Ray-Bans make us think of early rock & roll and NASA and we wear them with pride. Designer brands are for stupid people with no allegiance to their culture. We respect old companies like Levi’s because they remind us of hardworking American businesses that were American when America began.

Pepperdine University just took down their Christopher Columbus statue because the colonizing he did 500 years ago doesn’t meet 2017’s standards. White men aren’t like that. When we want to jump off a cliff into a lake we scream, “Geronimo!” because it means bravery. That Apache warrior slaughtered at least 5,000 white men, women, and children. We respect him for it and see him as a worthy adversary.

The same goes for slavery. Jim Goad has made the argument that there were at least as many white slaves in America as black slaves. The term “kidnap” comes from the thousands of Irish and British children who were shipped over here. Yes, many were house servants, but that’s because the ones picking cotton got sunburned to death. You don’t hear white men talking about white slavery, ever (and no, America was not built on slavery—the balance sheet was zero after the Civil War so we started from scratch). White men don’t talk about the potato famine that killed a million of them, either. America lost over a million men to the Civil War and the two world wars. They had no say in the matter, but we don’t cry about it. We sing, “What a hell of a way to die.”

Where women seem content with just sitting on a beach and baking in the sun like some leftover chicken nuggets in the toaster oven, men need to find something to do. We will go build a sand castle or take our daughter for a walk to collect seashells. Even when we piss, we need to do something. If we’re not blasting off some other guy’s shit particles we’re seeing how much ice we can melt or what we can write in the snow. To avoid sprinkles when we tinkle, a white man in Amsterdam put life-size stickers of flies in the urinals. Men become fixated on blasting the picture and no splashes go anywhere else. We’re always up to something. Why, I’m typing out an article right now (my wife is watching Real Housewives).

I don’t have any contracts with anyone right now. I have handshake deals with Anthony Cumia, Ezra Levant, and Taki Theodoracopulos. If I had to leave any of these jobs to do something else, I would sit down with my boss and explain the basic mathematics of why I am considering another offer. “If it makes dollars, it makes sense” is the way we tend to operate. When you stray from this, you get lawsuits for sexual harassment because someone didn’t like a joke in the lunchroom or someone else simply can’t get over the fact that they were fired. White men occasionally behave like this too but it’s usually because they didn’t grow up with a father.

White men are inseparable from Christianity and we’re both misunderstood. While we may have been behind much of the bad in the world, we’re also behind the vast majority of the good. That’s what happens when you create the modern world.

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