How-To

10 Real Resolutions for White Guys

December 22, 2016

Multiple Pages
10 Real Resolutions for White Guys

MTV News just released a remarkably patronizing New Year’s guide entitled “2017 Resolutions for White Guys,” and boy, are us white guys angry. It’s a video with white beta cucks, ethnically ambiguous minorities, and a black guy in a kitten shirt telling us we need to “be better.” It’s a perfect example of how soft and retarded the alt-left has become, but the ten topics they list serve as a good springboard to tell white guys what they really should be doing.

(1) “TRY TO RECOGNIZE AMERICA WAS NEVER ‘GREAT’ FOR ANYONE WHO WASN’T A WHITE GUY”
This lie is officially done. We need to stop allowing these ingrates to ignore our sacrifices. If they want to pillory us for slavery and the Indian wars then we get all the good stuff white men did, too. For example, the platform and infrastructure these people are using to complain about us (I suspect the script these brats are reading was also written by a white guy and that the execs who okayed it are also remarkably white).

Americans lost a million white guys to the Civil War and the two World Wars. They ended slavery and defeated the Nazis and they had no choice in the matter. I’d prefer picking cotton to having my head blown off, but it made a great country and therefore, as Pat Buchanan says, “The time for apologies is past.” If you insist on dredging up America’s past, white guys need only say two words: “You’re welcome.”

“When entertainers bring fake news to your football game, get mad. ”

(2) “AGREE THAT BLACK LIVES MATTER IS NOT THE OPPOSITE OF ALL LIVES MATTER”
This reductive doublespeak is also done. When someone says something as infantile as “black lives matter” it is no longer your job to stoop down to their level and come up with a similar slogan. Also, stop trying to join black causes and be part of their revolution. You’re not invited and you look like a complete tool holding a sign that says “White silence is violence.”

We need to permanently move on from motherhood statements like “war is bad” and stop pretending “hope and change” is anything tangible. If you want to talk about innocent black kids who were killed unjustly by cops, we’re happy to discuss all six cases; otherwise, goodbye.

(3) “BLUE LIVES MATTER ISN’T A THING”
I’m not sure how this constitutes a “resolution,” but they’re right. Screw using their language. From now on it’s a given that blue lives matter. It’s also a given we are not living in a society where innocent blacks are hunted for sport. Justin Volpe is in prison right now because our society is officially against police brutality. If you find a case where an officer wasn’t persecuted for a real crime we’re all ears, but we are done with tolerating riots based on a Facebook meme.

(4) “STOP BRAGGING ABOUT BEING WOKE”
The video also insists white guys stop saying “woke.” I’ve never heard a white guy use such a term if he wasn’t kidding and I assume the only white guys who use it work at MTV but sure, using ebonics has got to go. The irony of pretending you’re educated by using a bad-grammar colloquialism isn’t a white thang, so stop it.

This also goes for all black mannerisms. If you’re about to get into a fight, don’t cock your head to the side and do that pimp-walk limp like you’re in the movie Shaft. Be mighty white about it, which means you say as little as possible, stand your ground, and deliver the best blows you can when you have to.

(5) “LEARN WHAT MANSPLAINING IS AND STOP DOING IT”
This is also a good point. Mansplaining is explaining to these cretins that their argument isn’t an argument at all. It’s wasting your time trying to convince mentally ill children with daddy issues that they’re wrong. “Patronizing” comes from “patron,” which means “to provide aid and support.” We have overdone this favor and it’s time to cut them off.

I suggest a couple of very basic skill-testing questions before you engage. What is the population of America? How much do we spend per student per year? How many illegals cross the border every day? If they can’t come close, get far away.

(6) “IF YOU’RE A JUDGE, DON’T PRIORITIZE THE WELL-BEING OF AN IVY LEAGUE ATHLETE OVER THE WOMAN HE ASSAULTED”
I assume this refers to the Brock Turner case, and it has to be the most specific New Year’s resolution ever invented. Yes, single judge who might come across a case such as this in 2017, don’t do that.

While you’re at it, judge, try to do something about the alarming black-on-white rape stats (not including prison, which is even worse) as well as the horrible out-of-wedlock birthrates of blacks. The rate for black dads who don’t stick around their white baby mamas is upwards of 92 percent.

(7) “OF COURSE BEYONCÉ CARES ABOUT BLACK ISSUES”
Again, I don’t see how this constitutes a New Year’s resolution, but after “unpacking” the rant it sounds like they are talking about Fox News’ indignation after Beyoncé used Black Panther imagery during the Super Bowl.

White guys, the man in Dallas who shot five cops dead was a member of the Black Panthers. Your indignation is totally justified, so a good New Year’s resolution is to trust your gut. When entertainers bring fake news to your football game, get mad.

(8) “FEEL FREE TO TAKE KANYE WEST”
You’ll notice a lot of these resolutions take no work at all. This is because the people who made them have never had a job. Yes, white guys, feel free.

(9) “NOBODY WHO HAS BLACK FRIENDS SAYS THAT THEY HAVE BLACK FRIENDS”
There is a compulsion among white people to try to diversify your social portfolio and have as many different minorities as possible. This is virtue signaling to the point of self-abuse. White guys have limited leisure time, so it’s important you make sure the people you relax with are there for no other reason than that you enjoy their company. If you look around the room and everyone is white, that’s fine. If it’s a sausage party, that’s cool too. This resolution also goes for who you hire, what you watch, who you consult, and every other human interaction. White guys tried pandering and affirmative action and they learned the hard way that ignoring meritocracy makes for a lot less merit.

(10) “YOU COULD DO BETTER IN 2017”
Though this is true, it appears white guys have much less room for improvement than just about every other group in the country. Let’s leave shame where it belongs, in Obama’s legacy. 2017 is about Western chauvinism. We didn’t start slavery, we ended it. America bankrupted itself and went to the brink of destruction to make this land great and the only thing we have time for is gratitude, especially when it comes to the sacrifices made by law enforcement and the armed forces.

White guys need to stop trying to be black. We need to stop appeasing blacks and the alt-left by speaking their language and bending to their will. They are insatiable and our apologies beget more demands for apologies. You could do better in 2017, but for now, take a bow, white guys. You’ve done a great job.

SIGN UP
Daily updates with TM’s latest


Comments



The opinions of our commenters do not necessarily represent the opinions of Taki's Magazine or its contributors.