How-To

10 Real Resolutions for White Guys

December 22, 2016

(6) “IF YOU’RE A JUDGE, DON’T PRIORITIZE THE WELL-BEING OF AN IVY LEAGUE ATHLETE OVER THE WOMAN HE ASSAULTED”
I assume this refers to the Brock Turner case, and it has to be the most specific New Year’s resolution ever invented. Yes, single judge who might come across a case such as this in 2017, don’t do that.

While you’re at it, judge, try to do something about the alarming black-on-white rape stats (not including prison, which is even worse) as well as the horrible out-of-wedlock birthrates of blacks. The rate for black dads who don’t stick around their white baby mamas is upwards of 92 percent.

(7) “OF COURSE BEYONCÉ CARES ABOUT BLACK ISSUES”
Again, I don’t see how this constitutes a New Year’s resolution, but after “unpacking” the rant it sounds like they are talking about Fox News’ indignation after Beyoncé used Black Panther imagery during the Super Bowl.

White guys, the man in Dallas who shot five cops dead was a member of the Black Panthers. Your indignation is totally justified, so a good New Year’s resolution is to trust your gut. When entertainers bring fake news to your football game, get mad.

(8) “FEEL FREE TO TAKE KANYE WEST”
You’ll notice a lot of these resolutions take no work at all. This is because the people who made them have never had a job. Yes, white guys, feel free.

(9) “NOBODY WHO HAS BLACK FRIENDS SAYS THAT THEY HAVE BLACK FRIENDS”
There is a compulsion among white people to try to diversify your social portfolio and have as many different minorities as possible. This is virtue signaling to the point of self-abuse. White guys have limited leisure time, so it’s important you make sure the people you relax with are there for no other reason than that you enjoy their company. If you look around the room and everyone is white, that’s fine. If it’s a sausage party, that’s cool too. This resolution also goes for who you hire, what you watch, who you consult, and every other human interaction. White guys tried pandering and affirmative action and they learned the hard way that ignoring meritocracy makes for a lot less merit.

(10) “YOU COULD DO BETTER IN 2017”
Though this is true, it appears white guys have much less room for improvement than just about every other group in the country. Let’s leave shame where it belongs, in Obama’s legacy. 2017 is about Western chauvinism. We didn’t start slavery, we ended it. America bankrupted itself and went to the brink of destruction to make this land great and the only thing we have time for is gratitude, especially when it comes to the sacrifices made by law enforcement and the armed forces.

White guys need to stop trying to be black. We need to stop appeasing blacks and the alt-left by speaking their language and bending to their will. They are insatiable and our apologies beget more demands for apologies. You could do better in 2017, but for now, take a bow, white guys. You’ve done a great job.

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