10 Great Things About the Burqa

July 25, 2014

Multiple Pages
10 Great Things About the Burqa

Islam is poppin’ off. We’re told it’s the fastest growing religion in the world and they also say it’s the fastest growing religion in America. We all know diversity is our strength and America is a melting pot so it behooves us to give this “religion of peace” a chance. Take the burqa, for example. Only a small percentage of Muslim women are expected to be veiled but millions count too. I think it’s supposed to be about modesty and not letting sexuality run rampant, but I’m speaking as an outsider so it’s all conjecture. Here are ten great things about this wildly different cultural showpiece.


In the non-burqa world, women are seen as sex objects. Ugly women with something to say are considered too repulsive to listen to. Beautiful blondes are seen as ditzes. When a woman walks down the street in short shorts and a low-slung tank top, it’s virtually impossible for anyone to hear what she’s saying.

But when she’s covered in a black polyester bag, you have no choice but to focus on the words coming out of her mouth. When a woman wears a burqa, she is her voice and nothing more. Of course, all this assumes you’d be coming across her in the workforce or in a social situation, which I’m not sure happens.

“Getting ready in the morning can be a bigger pain in the ass than anal sex.”


Men think about sex every bunch of seconds. I live in a “hipster” community in Brooklyn and the main drag has so many beautiful women on it, you spend half your time walking down Bedford Ave. with your fist in your mouth. It drives the Hasidic Jews insane! It’s not fun being horny all the time. You feel like a fat person on a diet working at McDonald’s.

When women are hidden, the boners cease. Now you can walk down the street and say hi to your buddies like the whole world is one giant old man bar. It’s sort of like the FBI went through the book you’re reading and Sharpied out all the sex scenes.


Nothing ramps up the sexiness of your spouse like hiding her in a sheath all day. In your home, on your watch, she can wear whatever she wants. The other upside of this pressure cooker is she’s been dying to vamp all day. Finally freed from the tethers of her invisibility cloak, she busts out the 6” Luis Vuitton heels with Lady Gaga’s Versace safety pin dress. Her hair and makeup look like she’s accepting an Academy Award and it’s all for you. She’s yours alone and nobody can know about it. It’s like you’re Elliott and she’s E.T.


Here’s one I bet you never thought of: When you’re going on a road trip and the baby’s in the back crying his eyes out, he is vying for his mother’s attention. If she turns around to see if he’s OK, he’ll start crying even louder because it shows she’s available for more snacks or his bottle or a pacifier or whatever. However, if a woman is wearing a burqa and you’re driving at night, she could likely turn around and stealthily check on him without him seeing anything. She’s like a human baby cam. Wait … if she’s not allowed in the front seat, this whole idea goes down the drain.


Getting ready in the morning can be a bigger pain in the ass than anal sex. She can’t wear the same thing two days in a row and she has to coordinate her dress with her shoes and her top. There are work-appropriate clothes and summer outfits and they all have to match. It’s EXHAUSTING. When you can just throw a $30 blanket on your head every day, you can think about other important things like learning to fly a plane. It took us a quarter of a century to get a woman to fly a plane and part of that delay may have been due to women having to worry about outfits. Have you seen the crap Amelia Earhart was expected to wear? She looked like a tomboy rodeo clown. Of course, I’m assuming Muslim women are allowed to take flying lessons and it would be a safe bet for them to be flying jumbo jets around New York City.


If you look at history you see male accomplishment after male accomplishment. Crowbarring females into every industry gets real laborious real fast. Enforcing Sharia law not only lets you forget about sex, it lets you get to work. We don’t need women voting or contributing to the economy in any way. We don’t need them in the arts or sciences and we don’t need to be wasting time trying to figure out ways for them to become equal human beings. Let’s just relegate them to what they’re best at: making more men. Burqas erase them from a society and prevent us from wasting time thinking about them.


When you say inconvenient truths like the paragraph above, it hurts women’s feelings. It can be a bummer to see their smiles turn upside down and you end up censoring yourself. It’s also annoying see them turn red with rage when they’re offended. They get so fucking uppity. When they’re behind a black cloth, however, you can say whatever you want without getting distracted by their emotions. Now they’re just mannequins and you can say all the sexist shit you want.


Deep down, if you truly resent women, it’s nice to know they suffer. They know and accept this. In fact, a lot of them like the pain. They have a higher tolerance due to childbirth and being tortured is part of their genetic makeup. Look at how many enjoy a good sauna. I remember Comedian Billy Connolly said they look like they’re in a “bin bag,” and he wasn’t far off. A burqa is usually made of black polyester. When the summer hits the Middle East, the thermometer goes way past 100 degrees and it’s gotta be twice that in a garbage bag. When you see a woman covered in these hot months you know she’s in agony. Fucking bitch.


There are about 5,000 honor killings a year and with good reason. When a teenage girl refuses an arranged marriage, she is bringing shame to the entire family, forever. If you don’t punish her for this, you look like a bitch. A lot of pussies chicken out when it comes to honor and will just throw acid in her face. Disfigured women look gross but when they’re wearing a burqa, you can’t see their faces. Now you can restore honor to your family without being reminded of what you’ve done every time you look at your sister’s mangled visage.


If a woman does something dishonorable or is raped by a mob, she should probably have rocks hurled at her until she dies. This takes some mettle because you see her collarbone get broken and her cheek split open way before the final brain hemorrhage. It probably takes forever to kill a woman with stones and when the whole village is watching, you want to be killing a woman who has been sufficiently dehumanized.

I mean, imagine it was Western culture, and the woman being stoned to death was Pam, the red-haired, freckle-faced lady who sells pies at the local bakery. When she starts crying and begging for mercy, you’re like, “Uh, this is awkward.” Then, when she’s gone, people are all, “Where’s Pam?” They notice there are no pies and her likable chatter has been erased from the village. When you prevent women from making their presence known, it’s easy to obliterate them.

I think I get it now.


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