1. BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE TYLER PERRY THE MOST SUCCESSFUL BLACK MAN IN AMERICA
Nobody wants this to happen. Nobody. Sure, Obama has big ears, but Tyler Perry dresses in drag and wears fat suits. Perry’s ascendance to the #1 spot would be an American cultural catastrophe.
2. BECAUSE IT’S WHAT “THEY” WANT
I must clarify that the word “they” in this case doesn’t necessarily connote “the Jews,” although there are doubtlessly several Jews huddled inside this rancid horde. “They” are the ones, many of them white, who have been rubbing whites’ noses in their demographic decline and loss of power, who insist that it’s a virtue to placidly accept such things and “hateful” to resist them. They are the ones who, even though Americans have now elected a partially black man president twice in a row, insist that Americans can’t handle a black president. If Obama were to be shot, it would in a very perverse way satisfy those who love him even more than those who hate him.
3. BECAUSE IT WOULD GIVE THE GUN-GRABBERS MORE REASON TO GRAB GUNS
Obama didn’t waste much time after his reelection in endorsing a United Nations measure that appears to supersede American sovereignty regarding gun ownership, and if he were to be killed with a firearm—especially a large, high-caliber, shiny, and undeniably phallic one—it would constitute a public-relations holocaust for the gun lobby.
4. BECAUSE JOSEPH BIDEN WOULD BECOME PRESIDENT
President Biden would become the new Andrew Johnson to Obama’s new murdered Lincoln. President Biden would yell at babies, roll his eyes mockingly at senior citizens, and grope unwilling biker women in public. Plus, “Bidencare” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as “Obamacare.”
5. BECAUSE IT WOULD UNDERMINE URBAN-RENEWAL EFFORTS
If Obama were to be assassinated, legions of unkempt, ill-mannered, malodorous, blue-gummed, and yellow-eyed “urban” “people” would likely burn cities to the ground from coast to coast. It would become a national riot, and I don’t mean this in the sense of a “laugh riot.”
6. BECAUSE IT WOULD PLACE UNDUE STRESS ON AN ALREADY OVERWORKED SECRET SERVICE
As I’ve already documented, our public servants in the Secret Service are already running themselves ragged investigating fat dumb young blonde women on Twitter. They are also exhausted from bagging Colombian prostitutes. If they wound up getting blamed for not protecting Obama from assassination, this might constitute one of those rare cases of God giving someone too much to handle.
7. BECAUSE OBAMA WOULD BECOME A MARTYR
Sure, in the long run, being assassinated didn’t do much for McKinley or Garfield’s Q Score, but it cemented Lincoln and Kennedy’s fame for perpetuity. It would also grant him eternal saintliness and possibly even a higher spot in the Pantheon of Murdered Black Demigods than that of Tupac Shakur. And think of all the Barack Obama Boulevards and Barack Obama Memorial Fountains. And does any one of us really want to see the inevitable Steven Spielberg movie about it? As it stands, I think Obama is already, you know, sufficiently mythological.
8. BECAUSE IT WOULD CONSTITUTE AN UNNECESSARILY EMOTIONAL OVERREACTION
I realize that many Americans are unhappy with the election’s results, but that’s no reason to go bananas—or even bonkers, for that matter. As they say in anger-management classes, it would be a major “thinking error” if someone were to kill him. Many psychologists would rightly describe it as an instance of “acting-out behavior.” An Obama assassin would obviously have “issues” and need “meds.” So if you’re thinking about doing this, I suggest you take it down a notch. Take a “time out” and swallow a “chill pill.” Get a foot rub. Sip some tea. Do some yoga. Cool your jets. Don’t go getting any crazy ideas. No need to get your camouflage panties in a bunch over all this.
9. BECAUSE IT WOULD THREATEN TO DIVIDE AMERICA
Killing Obama as he soars like a giant black falcon over this proud nation would destroy the achievements of a man who has obviously brought this country together. It would divide a house against itself. It would bring discord to the message of unity and harmony he’s been pushing like a dope dealer on a Lower East Side street corner.
10. BECAUSE NOBODY COULD BLAME THE NEXT FOUR YEARS ON OBAMA
If the economy collapses and the country implodes as I expect it to do, killing Obama now would exempt him from much of the blame. Folks, we all know that wouldn’t be the right thing to do. Right, folks? So don’t assassinate him. As the saying goes, it just makes a double “ass” out of U + Me. Don’t even kill him with kindness, because he clearly doesn’t deserve it.
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