Wild Things

10 Birds That Act Like Dicks

September 13, 2013

Multiple Pages
10 Birds That Act Like Dicks

At first glance, birds look like wonderful creatures who could do no wrong. It turns out that some of them are total jerks who bully the native species out of their nests.

The multiculturalists tell me all cultures are equally beautiful and say the world’s cultures are like beautiful myriad birds where the different species fly through the air showing off their stunning colors and singing their wonderful songs. This is merely wishful thinking, because everyone knows that most cultures suck. Fact is, a lot of birds are complete assholes, too. For example…

If you have a hummingbird feeder on your property, you may have noticed the males all look exactly the same. That’s because it’s the same guy. The hummingbird is an egomaniac that will not only claim your feeder as his personal property, he will stake the same claim to every feeder in the area. Put up six around your house and he’ll fly a circuit around the property making sure no one else gets even a taste of sugar. He’s like an unwanted houseguest who drinks all the beer in your refrigerator.

“Fact is, a lot of birds are complete assholes.”

The only thing more evil than a starling is a crow. They will eat just about anything, and they particularly enjoy devouring baby birds. A robin is about the cutest bird around and its song sounds like your eardrums are being kissed on the lips, but crows eat them all the time. Crows’ insatiable appetite extends to a taste for bluebirds, frogs, roadkill, and garbage. No wonder they call it a “murder” of crows.

House wrens are whores. Her mate never notices, but every time her eggs hatch, there is at least one in there that’s not his. That’s because she fucks everything that moves and does it behind his back so the poor bastard never realizes he’s raising someone else’s child.

Benjamin Franklin didn’t want the bald eagle to be America’s bird and he was right. Not only does it suffer from male pattern baldness, this breed of eagle is also a loser. It will only have a successful dive once every twenty tries. He usually just gives up and bullies some other nice bird out of its prey. When that fails, he chews on a corpse. Get a job, America’s bird. And try some Rogaine while you’re at it.

If you go near a robin’s nest she will kick your ass. An ovenbird will pretend she’s injured to lure you away from her babies. Owls, on the other hand, couldn’t care less about their offspring. Their eggs hatch in succession, one day at a time so the last one to hatch can be nine days younger than the first one. This means the youngest one can’t compete with his elder siblings and he slowly starves to death as his mother shrugs. A particularly vile owl is the great horned one. Not only does he laugh while his youngest children die, he will also go hunting just for fun and bite the head off his prey when he’s not even hungry. What a jerkasaurus.

I had to kill a prairie warbler the other day. It was dying on the street and I could see gulls nearby waiting to devour it. Formerly known as the crows of the sea, gulls have spent the last thirty years infiltrating the city and eating the crap out of every baby they can find. Gulls eat so many eggs they have brought nighthawks to the verge of extinction. Next time one flies down to peck at your fries, punch it in the face.

I killed the warbler out of mercy, but I didn’t feel bad about it. Killing warblers can help save warblers’ lives. That’s because these little shits regularly murder their neighbors’ babies. The males are even bigger sluts than wrens, which means the females have to compete with half a dozen other mistresses. To make the competing households look less stable, females will break into a nest and peck all the eggs to death. “You don’t want to date her,” the warbler will sing to her man after killing some bitch’s babies. “She’s crying.”

Possibly the world’s laziest bird, the female cowbird has never made a nest in her life. Instead, she skulks around good birds such as sparrows and waits for them to build a nest. Then she plops one of her eggs in there and forgets about it. The cowbird baby is way bigger than his stepbrothers and he eventually crowds them out of the nest while his adoptive parents try to figure out why their lives have become a living hell.

Same story with this hideous parasite. She poops out her eggs into someone else’s nest and is never heard from again. The cuckoo egg hatches faster than the eggs that are supposed to be there, so by the time the decent, hardworking, indigenous birds are born, they inevitably get crowded out by illegal aliens. The European Cuckoo is a welfare bird that no nest can afford.

They may look like birds, but inside every starling lurks the soul of a giant millipede with the head of a rabid wolf. Instead of building their own nests, starlings kick other birds out of their nests and then kill the young. Despite their tiny size, they are tenacious bastards and use attrition to defeat their enemy. I’ve seen a flicker, probably the biggest woodpecker there is, fight for days to get its nest back as the starling tosses egg after egg onto the ground, cackling sadistically. Starlings were introduced to North America via some douche who thought it would be cool to release every bird Shakespeare ever mentioned into Central Park. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Since then, starlings have taken over the entire continent and are spreading south to the Inferior Americas. You can grant them amnesty or commit to sealing our borders, but starlings are taking over and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Before we assume our ecosystem would be merrier with more birds, we may want to double-check the long-term gains. It took us a lot of work to hone Western culture into the near-perfect system it is today. The West is the best, so why mess with our nest? “If birds can’t even get along, what kind of birdbrain would think that humans can?”


Daily updates with TM’s latest


The opinions of our commenters do not necessarily represent the opinions of Taki's Magazine or its contributors.